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May 10, 2005
Know thy Enemy: Puppies
Posted by Sydney at 09:03 PM | TrackBack (0)
As undisputed overlord of the blogdodecahedron I have noticed a recent trend in blogging. There has been a decline of .999283% in Cat blogging the past twenty-two minutes. Luckily, being brilliant and talented I noticed the trend before it became a problem. The problem you see is that certain people are blogging about their new puppies instead of cats. This is totally unacceptable.
Since most of my readers aren't as smart, handsome, talented, funny or lucky as I am I figured I'd best present you with some facts about the vile creatures known as puppies. So I sent my crack smoking research team out to come up with:
FUN FACTS ABOUT PUPPIES
* Puppies are actually illegal aliens from the planet pluto. I suggest rapid deportation to the closest celestial body, no not my body, the moon. Sure they've adapted to breathing oxygen, but in a couple of generations they should learn to deal with a reduced atmosphere.
* When given the choice between kicking a puppy and a liberal, choose the puppy. Puppies are much more dangerous and logical than liberals. Plus you don't want to pick up a reputation for picking on the "Slow Learners" do you?
* Puppies are actually parasites, much like tapeworms, except puppies feed on human brains.
* Some people find puppies to be a great source of nutrition. We call him Glenn Reynolds.
* If Frank J. had a puppy, I probably wouldn't be doing this list. It just wouldn't make since to post a Know Thy Enemy segment about puppies if IMAO was an Animal Lovers Blog would it?
* Get your mind out of the gutter, not that type of Animal Lover you pervert
* Puppies are generally smarter than Liberals which is why Buddy (Former President Clinton's Dog) was always trying to run away.
* That and he developed a gender confusion complex due to Former President Clinton always talking about "That Bitch".
* Puppies for some reason are attracted to cat turds. Given the choice between a Scooby Snack and a cat turd the puppy will probably choose the cat turd.
* Did I mention puppies are smarter than Liberals
* Puppies attack for unknown reasons. Many times they disguise their attacks by looking playful and licking your face.
* In a fight between a Puppy and Aquaman, the Puppy would snarl at Aquaman, causing Aquaman to scream like a girl and retreat into the ocean.
* Even though they are displayed in Taco Bell commercials, they puppies aren't on the menu.
* If cornered by a puppy, don't blow into its face as that will only irritate him. Instead, scream hey its Glenn Reynolds with a blender, this should scare the puppy away.
* Some men don't like the strong puppies. They're called cat bloggers.
* Puppies, unlike the Ted Kennedy, can be house broken.
The greatest thing since canned tuna
Posted by spacekitty at 09:03 PM | TrackBack (0)
There is a plague among the feline world. This plague is dangerous, mean, cruel and stinky. The plague I'm discussing an unclean litter box.
Face it Toms, it's practically impossible to lure that cute little alley cat over to your pad if your litter box smells like last months leftovers.
Not to worry though, because I spacekitty have found the answer to your problem. It's the Litter Robot.
You read it right, no need to go back up. It's the LITTER ROBOT
The litter robot really is the greatest thing since canned tuna. No longer do you have to worry about the stench of last nights trash can surprise ruining the mood. Once the Litter Robot gets a whiff of an offensive odor it launches it into the neighbors back yard for their puppies to snack on. No muss no fuss. And once you're done, no need to bury the dirty deed, since it's going to be disposed of by the Litter Robot, you can leave with your paws fecal matter free.
I Would Like My Litter Box Cleaned Daily
An Editorial by Garfield.
Posted by Garfield at 12:38 PM | TrackBack (1,225,978)
On the television lately there have been advertisements and Infomercials regarding self cleaning Litter boxes and new "improved" litters that allow the time between cleanings to increase. As one who uses a litter box, I do not like this.
Yes, some may point to the advantages of this, such as more time for the person cleaning the litter box. I am not much of a people cat, though, and am quite unconcerned with my cleaner's time constraints. If, perhaps, the automated litter boxes were also cat nip dispensers, then I would see more of a silver lining. Mainly, though, I only see trouble.
"How can you expect a cat to use an automated litter box cleaner, would you trust a robot to wipe your rear end?"
First off we'll deal with the extended change litter, the poop and pee buildup just wouldn't be sanitary. Think of all the "presents" we will be trailing throughout the house as we stand in our own waste to go potty. Then as we bury our business, it would only be covered by earlier deposits. Oh the horror of poop on poop action.
How can you expect a cat to use an automated litter box cleaner, would you trust a robot to wipe your rear end? Just think of the dangers. One malfunction and fluffy gets tossed over the fence with the poop.
Garfield is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO's Catblog and is the author of such books as "Frank J. peed on my head to: I'll never drink out of the toilet again", "The importance of breastfeeding your new kitten" and "Teaching your Kitten Box".
Comments (1,555,789) | Editorials
A new hero in town
Posted by RightWingCat at 12:40 PM | TrackBack (0)
It's RightWingCat here to share the news.
Okay well it's not really news, it's more like propaganda. Yeah propaganda's a good word for it. Calling it an outright lie would be harsh. Plus several hours have been poured into this. Okay well not really hours, more like a couple of minutes, but there was some time dedicated to this post.
Being a slow news day in the media I don't really have that much to share, other than IMAO's recent switch to a catblog. And with the switch there have been some changes. One of these changes is that Aquaman's been fired. That's right, we tossed his pillow biting, fish talking too, hobo smelling (boy did he smell bad) rump out into the streets. If you encounter him just say "BOO" really loud; he'll wet himself and run away screaming like a
So without much more interruption I'll get around to introducing the Hero & Savior of IMAO:
That's right kids, your eyes aren't deceiving you, it's Puss n Boots
Given Puss n Boots' ability to kick Aquaman's ass and his threat to poke us with a sharp stick we decided to give him Aquaman's old job.
Not to worry though, he won't be posting for a while as he's on an undercover assignment
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