The quandary of strip clubs

It's Tuesday and today's topic: Strip Clubs.

I personally have never been a big fan of Strip Clubs, but that isn't to say I haven't been to more than a couple, of dozen. Part of my job involves travel and being fairly young, the owners of the businesses I was meeting with felt obliged to keep me "entertained". When I was single more often than not this meant a trip to their local strip joint; thus there are several stories I'll pull from when discussing the do's and don't of Gentlemen's Establishments.

If you've never been to a strip joint there are several things you should know:

• Unless you're in Vegas, New York or another major metropolitan area the girls won't look like they do on the posters outside (until you've had half a dozen $5 - $8 dollar drinks).
• If you're trying to catch a buzz while in said strip joint stick to beer. You'd be amazed at how watered down the booze is in adult establishments (Partially to keep folks from getting to rowdy).
• To quote Chris Rock: "There is no sex in the Champaign room, there's Champaign in the Champaign room, but there is no sex in the Champaign room".
• If you decide to get handsy in a strip joint, you will get your ass handed to you by a bounder that would make Sam Elliot in Roadhouse his bitch.
• Your new best friend named Candy really doesn't give a damn what you do for a living, that your wife is out of town, that it's your last night before getting married so long as you keep stuffing bills in her garter belt she's your best friend.
• Men if you're in Montreal Canada it is worth attending the Canadian Ballet; just so you can say you've been. No the Canadian Ballet isn't really ballet and I wouldn't take your spouse with you, just ask a male hotel clerk, cabbie or limo driver; they'll get you where you need to go.
• Never eat at a strip joint named Café Risqué

As I mentioned earlier I've been to more than a few strip joints. There are several things I'd rather do than go to a strip joint with a client, such as have a root canal done without anesthesia or get my 'nads waxed; but since those weren't options I couldn't choose from them. Now not all of my experiences have been bad and more likely than not something damn funny is going to happen. Not that you'd be allowed to discuss what happened to somebody in public as that would be a direct violation of the code.

Most of the guys I know aren't going to a strip joint to find the next love of their life or even hoping for a roll in the hay with one of the dancers. Most of the time it's a "special" occasion (birthday, bachelor party, etc..) when a group of guys head out to see some bouncies and make asses out of themselves.

I could really do without going to another strip joint. Why? Well the allure of paying, as I mentioned earlier, $5 - $8 for a drink really doesn't excite me. Not that I'm cheap, I just don't like water in my scotch, 'cause we all know fish have sex in water. I'm not really a big fan of the perfume that is misted out of AC vents to keep the place from smelling like a hog house. The music is almost always too damned loud. As my friends and I have gotten older the bachelor party ritual of strip joints has been replaced with offshore fishing trips and golf outings.

For the ladies wondering if we were going there for some type of sexual gratification, nope, in all honesty it could be best compared to taking a shower with rain gear on. Everything required is there, but the additional elements keep it from being a truly satisfying experience.

Why do men go to strip joints? Well not that the scenery hurts, but mainly its somewhere we don't have to worry about making an ass out of ourselves. There's a certain comfort in knowing that as long as you don't jump up on stage and start stripping yourself there will always be somebody that's a bigger ass than you.

There are several things in life that are certain, death, taxes, Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store and men don't talk about what their buddies did at the strip joint.

If you're looking for a crowd that really knows how to have a good time in a strip joint. Find the bachelorette party headed to the Cheetah Club in Vegas. That's right a soon to be married woman and her bridesmaids know how to raise hell in a boobie bar; but that a story for another time

For more coherent rambling about adult establishments:
The men:
The Wiz learns about stripping from his preacher, really he does.
Zonker talks about working with strippers or something.

The divas:
Sadie's clueless and admits it (This shall forever be a day of infamy).
Chissy talks about boobs, jubblies hooters.
Michelle offers advice for those thinking about becoming strippers.
Kathy proves her husband is a brave man.
Silk just wants somebody to take their clothes off.

Puffy is still at Thee Dollhouse researching the topic.