The right to bare arms

and bare legs and bare asses and pretty much anything else you can think of. It's Tuesday and the topic for the Men's Club and the Demystifying Divas: What is appropriate swim wear.

I devoted much of my time on the beach this past weekend to observing what people chose to wear. The Wife and I discussed the mater on a number of occasions and the best thing we could come up with is the people wearing what they shouldn't where they shouldn't were in the area on vacation and weren't planning to ever see the people they were visually accosting again. It's either that or their is a governmental regulation on the amount of material that can be used to make a swim suit. While we didn't run into anything nearly as horrendous as this guy, there were some that were close. See I've noticed that past a certain point as the size of the person increases the bathing suit stays the same, it's just their sense of shame that degenerates.

We discussed it a bit more as we were eating at various restaurants away from the beach (several miles away) and noticed people coming in without first going to their abode and changing. A couple of the places with out door patios allow them to sit outside, others without an out door area explained what the appropriate attire was. Some of them got upset and made a scene, some of them shook their heads and hurried away. The thing that got, and still gets, to me is what the hell were they thinking in the first place.

So I decided it was time to create phin's guide for swim wear:
1. Cover your ass. Whether you're 18 with ass you can bounce a quarter off or 60 with an ass you can hide a herd of midgets in keep it covered. Nobody wants to see your ass cheeks hanging out of your swim suit.

2. If you feel the need to ask someone if your bathing suit is too small or if it makes your ass look fat. It is and it does. Don't put that person in an awkward situation by asking them and most defiantly don't offend people by wearing it out in public.

3. Men with abnormally hairy chests shouldn't wear large gold chains to accessorize their chest hair. I promise you it isn't pretty, it is grotesque and you aren't going to meet the Coors Light Twins dressed like that.

4. If you aren't going to shave or wax your bikini line, don't wear a bikini or anything else that reveals your thighs. Period. Nobody finds the throw rug protruding from your swimwear attractive.

5. The people pointing and laughing at you on the beach aren't laughing with you. You've either had a wardrobe malfunction or you didn't understand the first four steps.

6. Swim wear is made for the beach or the pool area and shouldn't be worn outside that area unless you are heading directly too or from said area. Even if a city is named Whatever Beach. This means you can't head from the beach to a restaurant five miles into town wearing your swim suit and expect to be seated. Unless you're headed to the Nascar Cafe at the Redneck Riviera, then it's expected (and don't forget to keep a Marlboro hanging from lips at all times).

7. Wrapping a towel around your waste and putting on a T-Shirt doesn't make your swim suit appropriate either.

8. Don't leave your sense of decency behind when you put on a bathing suit. People with small children don't want explain the various parts of the human anatomy to their children on vacation.

9. Crack Kills

10. The only time a man should wear a Speedo is if he is swimming in the Olympics (and that's questionable).

11. Women that are Very Pregnant shouldn't wear string bikinis. Yes it's a wonderful time in your life, yes you have a glow about you, no I don't want to see your tummy that is now the size of a beach ball.

12. If you're comfortable wearing it, your friends aren't doubled over laughing and the family pet isn't gnawing at the draino bottle when you walk around the house in it, go for it.

Hopefully these guys didn't wear speedo's when they were blogging about swim wear:
The Foreign Minister of Naked Villainy is daring people to google for naked chicks.
Puffy aka Stigmata is still roaming around europe and will hopefully post pictures from the beaches.

These bikini clad bloggers are also discussing swim wear.
Silk is man thong blogging.
Chrissy says it's all about comfort.
sadie is searching for her bikini.
Kathy says who cares.

The guest Diva for the week Kate says it's anything goes on the Jersey Shore.

The Wizard is taking the Week off.

Posted by phineas g. at 11:30 AM on June 14, 2005

Number One is my very favourite point, Can I quote you on that???

Posted by: sadie at June 14, 2005 02:49 PM

I’ve been quoted for saying a whole lot worse. So you’re most definitely welcome to quote me.

Posted by: phin at June 14, 2005 03:44 PM

You always manage to get not only a smile, but a chortle out of me.

Good job!!

(and, I don't just chortle for anyone!)

; )

Posted by: Chrissy at June 14, 2005 10:14 PM

LMAO...You had me roaring!

Posted by: Sissy at June 14, 2005 11:12 PM

Guess I won't be mentioning what I saw on the nude beach in Jamaica...

Posted by: Harvey at June 15, 2005 09:15 AM