Ask Auntie Llamkette

Dear Llamkette,

Over the past week America has watched as Ophelia has plotted her course and now prepares to unleash her fury on the coastal inhabitants of Eastern North Carolina. The poor unsuspecting North Carolinians will definitely be at a loss for words and how will they get their pleas for help and message out unless I'm allowed to capitalize on their misery help them?

Nobody covered the catastrophic losses of Hurricane Katrina like I did. I was the first Reporter in New Orleans and one of the last to leave. Oh sure there were the locals, but who wants a bunch of half baked crawfish eatin' creoles telling them what's going on? I mean it takes an anchor from a cable news network to get the message out. Much like an anchor holds a ship in place I was there to stay the course and get the message out about the travesties taking place in New Orleans. Sure that doesn't make much sense, but you try to make an anchor reference okay?

I just don't understand why the big meanies at Fox News won't let me go? Is there anything I can do?

Your pal,
Shep "The Hurricane Master" Smith

Dear Shep,
The reason you haven't been allowed to head to North Carolina is because your blazon displays of idiocy while coving the stories unfolding during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina proved you lack self-awareness. If those "big meanies" in the offices of Fox News allowed you to head to North Carolina you'd probably end up locked in Bubba's basement squealing like a pig for days on end.

What you don't understand Shep is that hurricanes aren't a new phenomena and North Carolinians have been dealing with them for decades. The "big meanies" seem to understand that the coastal inhabitants would whip your ass when you interrupt their recovery and rebuilding efforts to ask your stupid questions about; how they feel and if their lives will ever be the same.

You're probably also itching to find stories displaying the worse side of human nature, the dregs of society waiting for an unfortunate situation to take advantage of. Well Shep you're probably not going find that in North Carolina. See when the area was ravaged by Hurricane Floyd in '99 the residents rolled up their sleeves and started helping each other out; instead of waiting for the Government to get in and do something for them. They acted much like the folks in outside of New Orleans that were affected by the Hurricane; you know the people the media has dodged like the plague the past couple of weeks.

See Shep, the reason those "big meanies" won't let you leave if because they got tired of screaming "SHUT.THE.HELL.UP.SHEP." at the TV screen also. So it is personal and but it's in your best interest.

Your pal,
LLamkette