The War of Lateral Aggression

I speak to you as a North Carolinian in a solemn hour for the life of our country, of our Empire, of our Allies, and above all the cause of good and true Barbeque. A tremendous battle is raging in Memphis and other parts of the Country. The Memphians, by a remarkable combination of propaganda and trickery have begun their full fledged assault on the taste buds of America. They have penetrated deeply and spread alarm and confusion in their trick.

It would be foolish, however to disguise the gravity of the hour. It would be still more foolish to lose heart and courage or to suppose that maybe there is room for tomatoes in Barbeque sauce, however much you like the idea of spicy catsup. We may look with confidence to the stabilization of the border known as I-95, and to the general engagement of the masses which will enable the qualities of the only true Barbeque to be matched squarely against those of their adversaries with spicy catsup at hand. For myself, I have the invincible confidence in our Barbeque and in Barbeque connoisseurs throughout the South.

We must expect that as soon as stability is reached on the Western Front, the bulk of that hideous apparatus of aggression which has smothered taste buds throughout the Southeast will be turned upon us. I am sure I speak for all when I say we are ready to face it; to endure it; and to retaliate against it - to any extant that the unwritten laws of war permit.

There will be, many men, and many women, on this island of sanity, who when the ordeal comes upon them, as come it will, will feel comfort, and even pride - that they are sharing the perils of the lads at the front, God bless them - and are drawing away from them a part at least of the onslaught they have to bear. Is this not the appointed time for all to make the utmost exertions in their power?

Our task is not only to win the battle - but to win the War. There will come the battle for our sauce - for all that Barbeque is, and all that Barbeque means - that will be the struggle. In that supreme emergency we shall not hesitate to take every step, even the most drastic, to call forth from our people, the last ounce and the last inch of effort they are capable. The interests of property, the hours of labour, are nothing compared with the struggle for Barbeque and honour, for right and freedom, to which we have vowed ourselves.

We have differed and quarreled in the past; but now one bond unites us all - to wage war until victory is won, and never to surrender ourselves to servitude and shame and tomatoes in or on our Barbeque, whatever the cost and agony may be. This is one of the most awe-striking periods in the long history of Barbeque. It is also beyond doubt the most sublime. Side by side, unaided except by their kith and kin in the great Dominions and by the wide Empires which rest beneath their shield, North Carolina’s peoples have advanced to rescue not only Memphis, but MANKIND from the foulest and most soul-destroying tyranny which has ever darkened and stained the pages of history. Behind them - behind us - behind the cookers and smokehouses of Eastern North Carolina - gather a group of shattered States and bludgeoned American: the Yankees, the Lexingtons, the Tennesseans, the Texans, the Kansans, - upon all of whom the long night of Barbequeism will descend, unbroken even by a star of hope, unless we conquer, as conquer we must; as conquer we shall.

Centuries ago words were written to be a call and a spur to the faithful servants of Truth and Justice: 'Arm yourselves, and be ye men of valour, and be in readiness for the conflict; for it is better for us to perish in battle than to look upon the outrage of our nation and our altar. As the Will of God is in Heaven, even so let it be.'

In the words of General Omar Bradley In war there is no prize for the runner-up, well except for a plate of faux barbeque smothered in tomato based faux barbeque sauce.

And so coninutes the War of Lateral Aggression as we pursue the three keys happiness.

Note: A majority of this post was blatantly plagiarized from Sir Winston Churchill's "Be ye men of Valour" Speech.

Posted by phineas g. at 11:42 AM on September 23, 2005 | TrackBack

sign me up!

Posted by: caltechgirl at September 23, 2005 01:46 PM

I want to indicate that even up here in Yankeetown (i.e. NYC) you can get proper barbecue. There's a restaurant called Brother Jimmy's that not only has got sweet tea and proper barbecue, but all ACC all the time (sorry if you prefer the Pirates).

Posted by: meep at September 24, 2005 05:43 AM

Damn Downeasters. Might as well have been born without tongues for all you know about barbecue.

Thank God it's America, where taste-challenged mopes like you have the inalienable right to eat like whatever kind of trash animal you want.

God bless Lexington. God bless Pig Pickin's in Winston-Salem. And may God have mercy on the rest of you....

Posted by: Sam Smith at September 24, 2005 10:30 PM

All that trash talk about that Eastern Sauce has kept me from joining the North State Blogs, all I can say is... I use yellow maters in my BBQ. Yummy!

We'll probably have to leave North Carolina and form our own state... West Carolina!

Posted by: Thunder Pig at November 21, 2005 03:04 PM