Selective Reading

Ever since Phin announced that he and the Missus evidently had experienced "the sex" and were expecting the Phinlet, I've been trying to warn the fine fellow of a certain phenomenon. Yet no matter how many other topics I covered in an email, he'd manage to adequately reply to all of them yet judiciously avoid one subject.

That subject unfortunately was a complete shock to me, and even moreso because when a couple is expecting their first child, it seems that everyone in the world revels in doling out advice. This advice is multifarious, varied, and contains tidbits both useful and completely without value, but it paints broad brush strokes on the wall that is impending parenthood. Yet I never received advice on that one topic that I wish someone had warned me about when my child was a newborn - the fact that what lies beneath will change all intuitive and learned theories in my mind regarding the laws of physics and biology.

The Poop Up The Back Phenomenon

How do babies somehow manage to defy gravity and crap upward? It isn't as if the babies hang upside down from the side of their playpens. To wit, I'd advise an "upright baby" policy which dictates that we In addition, most parents wise up and keep babies in an upright position if at all possible and place them on a slight incline when sleeping. This isn't a foolproof practice, because the inexperienced digestive tract just doesn't know how much strength it has at times. In fact, I would bet just about every parent knows the dismay of seeing their child in brand new onesies with a distinctive brown stain running up to the neck.

It's something that you cannot escape, and when you buy those adorable sleepers and overalls, you certainly won't imagine them smeared with poop up the back. Two things are certain, hoeever: (1) Blowouts will occur in public and at special events, and (2) The child will often perform these astounding feats against gravity while looking quite innocent and possibly even smiling. Hmm. I guess that I don't really have any advice to dole out after all...