And the winner ...

for best description of collegiate admissions offers goes to:

The Hatemonger's Quarterly with this beauty:

After all, we, the crack young staff of "The Hatemonger’s Quarterly",have always considered college admissions officers slightly below crack whores and pirates on the official evil scale.

Fitting description for the Director of Admissions at the University of which I'm alumni. I still hope his crotch gets infested by the fleas of a thousand camels.