Oh gawd. You do realize that everytime you post about gimps, our emails get very strange for awhile.

If you want to be really humorous, you should make it more realistic. How about you rendition the puppies to Morocco, and have our friends over there cut up their penises with scalpels? I hear the new-and-improved Iraqi govt's Interior Ministry has some men who have found creative new uses for an electric drills. And I can think of few things more hilarious than kittens being sodomised with broom handles, can you? You can book a cheap flight at AirTorture dot com.

Of course you can make it really, really realistic and saw the puppies' heads off and show the video on the internet. Nawww, too Muslim. Right, Elendil? Although it'd be especially fun to have people encourage the puppies to ask themselves "Why do they hate us?"

Anyhow, I'm celebrating Torture Month by sitting in a small room with fabric-covered walls for forty hours a week. The room is open at the top so all of my co-torturees can hear every phone conversation and vice versa. Meanwhile, I occasionally get dragged into what they refer to as "meetings." In these "meetings" we discuss project methodologies, best practices and the like. It's quite painful but that is, as far as I can tell, the point of it all. Trust me, I'm keenly aware of the torturous nature of corporate life all year 'round but I do appreciate this special month!

Good point, Zonker. Phin, When you sodomise the kittens, tell them that they deserved it because some other kittens beheaded some puppies. Then the kittens can justify their puppy beheading to each other with tales of kitten sodomy. If we play it right, we might be able to generate enough momentum to keep us celebrating Torture Awareness Month well into 2020. Hurrah!

Elendil, you're barking quite literally up the wrong tree. Why don't you further your cause a bit more productively by going after those who really are seeking to harm other living beings? Your anger here is displaced. Get lost.

Aww, whatsa matter agent bedhead? You aren't finding the jokes about torture funny anymore?

...yeah, you're probably right. Mocking Torture Awareness Month is really funny, but actually contemplating what that implies... not so much. Makes it kinda hard to maintain that casually dismissive conservative hipster air when someone mentions the broom handles, hrm?

Well, if that icky uncomfortable feeling of yours ever blossoms into a fully-formed conscience, you know what to do. The NGOs can always do with more support, especially of the 'hold your govt accountable for its actions' kind. Until then, have a safe and happy Torture Awareness Month everyone, it's been a riot.

Steven Lynch's song "Kill a Kitten"

when the game of life makes you feel like quiting it helps a lot if you,
kill a kitten
mark my words cause from were im sitting you cant go wrong if you,
kill a kitten
theres no crime that you'll be commiting, i know the law you can,
kill a kitten
and if you need yarn for that scarf you're knitting you'll get pleanty if you,
kill a kitten

feed it turpin-tine
or break its spine,
crush it with your shoe
as long as you
kill a kitten

if the one you love isn't quite as sh-mitting, she'll like you more if you
kill a kitten
and i quote the bible cause that's where it's written "if ye loveth jesus ye must
kill a kitten"

flush him down the can,
hit him with your van,
throw him at a train,
make him snort cocaine,
drown him in a lake,
bake a kitty cake,
sick some TNT,
up his cat booty,
do what you must do,
as long as you
kill a kitten

killing kittens isnt easy
if the thought makes you feel quzzy
grab a pitch fork from the shed
and kill a puppy dog instead

kill a kitten
kill a kitten
kill a kitten
fluffy kitten
you gotta kill a kitten
kill a kitten

meow

Nothing is the matter, Elendil - except for the fact that you make me laugh my ass off.

What a maroon. Self-important, false nobility (speaking truth to power, no less), along with the usual pseudo-intellectual mental masturbation. If it had brains and courage, would go after those who do real torture (hint, it isn't us). Ah well, such things usually do make good comic relief.

Those who do "real" torture, Laughing Wolf? Oh, you mean like the Egyptians and the Syrians? Yeah, they use electricity, rip out fingernails and everything. They're real barbaric.

Yeah, good thing that we get diplomatic assurance before we conduct extraordinary renditions to those places. Wouldn't want our prisoners getting tortured now, would we? Ha ha ha.