Happily married

Theresa is looking for comments / experiences that lead to happy marriage. Now most of the suggestions were pretty good, but as I thought about it this afternoon I realized there was quite a bit lacking. So I present to you phin's guide to a happy and healthy marriage*:

Now the way I look at it there's two options. You can ether be a dandy boy and start sitting down to pee or you can take to heart the words I'm about to share with you. Now I ain't claimin' it'll be easy getting your woman properly house broke but it really is worth a little bit of work. Imagine, being able to watch an entire race or football game without hearing her nag about something. This my friends is your path to enlightenment.

1) Weekly beatings and scheduled closet time for her. You've really got to start this out from day one. It really goes a long way to asserting your dominance and letting her know who the boss is. Otherwise she'll start thinking she's got rights and want to vote or even worse she'll want to drive.

2) When talking with your wife, be sure to use small words. This way she'll be able to understand you, remember, nothing more that three syllables or she'll spend all day trying to sound it out and this cuts down on the amount of time she can cook, clean and raise the chirrens. What may be even worse is she'll start thinking and we all know she can think or she can work, but she can't do both.

3) Help with the laundry every once in a while, like once a month instead of leaving your clothes piled up on the floor in the bathroom strip in the laundry room. Just make sure she has your robe and cigars waiting for you by the recliner. There's nothing worse than strolling through the house with a bit of "the turtle" going on.

4) Be sure she has plenty of "her" time. I'd suggest golfing of fishing with your buddies. This will leave her plenty of time to get those chores done without having to pester you. Plus without you in her hair she'll have plenty of time to whip up your favorite meal for you and your buddies. Just make sure she doesn't forget the appetizers.

5) Remember she works hard too. So every now and then she needs to be reminded of just how much you appreciate her. So when you're sending your girlfriend a dozen roses be sure to pick up an extra to take home to the missus.

6) Make sure she doesn't meet your girlfriend. I can't really express the importance of this one. Women tend to be a tad bit jealous and well when you throw a twenty year old with perky jubblies into the mix you're just asking for her to get jealous and want to start working out again to get the girls to perk-up. Which as you know will cut into her cooking and cleaning time and well we just can't have that.

I'm sure there's something I'm missing, but figured I couldn't spring all this advice on y'all at once. Just remember it takes years to get a woman properly trained, so once she's nice and obedient she'll be hard to replace so don't trade her in, unless it's for twins.

* I really should start an Adventures in Involuntary Celibacy category, 'cause if the missus reads this I'll be sleepin' on the couch wearing a titanium cup for a month.

Posted by phineas g. at 08:09 PM on July 14, 2006 | TrackBack

Oh. My. Gawd. Yeah, I think you need to start that category too. I am sooo not letting Mike read this!

Posted by: Theresa at July 14, 2006 08:17 PM

Amen brother! You need to borrow a football helmet and goalie pads, let me know.

Posted by: Mike at July 14, 2006 08:28 PM

You really are a scream!! I best not let Mr. Bug read this one!

Posted by: LadyBug Crossing at July 15, 2006 06:32 AM

I suggest you write a book. An excellent reference that would be! (and another humor source for me)

Posted by: Miss Cellania at July 15, 2006 09:46 AM

I beat my bitch at least once a week.

Works for us...


Posted by: Yabu at July 15, 2006 10:51 AM

Golly whiz, finally a real man! If you just take all those things off a woman's mind she could become a real homemaker who sews all the families clothes and gets up an hour early to get the bread set to rise. If you lock up the TV room when you leave the house you can be sure she won't be distracted and let valuable time slip through her fingers.

Boy, and are you right about the girlfriend! I was so upset when I found out about her I couldn't iron a shirt right for weeks. Best just not to trouble us with too much information.

Why don't you just sign this little life insurance policy and then stretch out on the couch while I fix your dinner.

Great spoof!

Posted by: Gillian at July 15, 2006 06:12 PM

You're such a freak, Phin.

BUT, you're our freak.

That must count for something.

Posted by: agent bedhead at July 17, 2006 03:31 AM