This would be a disclaimer

I received an e-mail the other day with a link to Herche's Blog disclaimer. Since I'm not a lawyer I got all scared and figured I'd best do like the e-mail said so the meanies won't be able to sue me. Except I wasn't too keen on some of the wording so I modified the contents to come up with the Phineous T. Goldfish disclaimer, which is remarkably like the Herche disclaimer, only cooler.

If'n you want to use the disclaimer you've gots to do is post this:
"We, the drunken or otherwise inebriated and misunderstood bloggers of the blogidohexiweb, in order to facilitate the promotion and transportation of disinformation, pudding wrestling, filthy lies, sarcasm, lingerie clad pillow fights, ensure the voices in our heads are obeyed, provide inaccurate news and opinionated opinions in the face of an increasingly accurate and unbiased media, and to poke fun at our culture's asinine obsession with Shep Smith's sexuality and Britney Spears chesticles, do abide by, adhere to and generally follow Phineous T. Goldfish’s Blogidohexiweb Disclaimer."


By accessing this website, a web browser's user is familiar with and accepts the following clauses.


Section 1

Santa's Clause 1: The views expressed and lies told by the "author(s)" on this blogithingamabob do not necessarily reflect the views of this blogithingamabob, the views of those who link to this blogithingamabob, the views of this blogithingamabob’s interweb hosting servicer, blogithingamabob layout designer, or any other organizers, servicers, picture drawer, insigniaer or avatarers in any way willing to be associated with and / or victimized by the "author(s)" of this site.

Santa's Clause 2: The views expressed by a "author(s)" on this site may or may not be the views of the "author(s)" as we're like to be repeating the talking points being telepathically transmitted by the Rethuglican party leadership, drunk, under the influence of other mind altering substances (all legal of course) or just telling lies we heard at the strip bar last night.

Santa's Clause 3: Comments and other lies uttered by the non-"author(s)" on this blogithingamabob are not the responsibility of their writers and the accuracy and completeness of comment content is not guaranteed; however any inaccuracies spotted and $5.00 (USD) will get you a cup of coffee at Starbucks (if the Pinko-Commie Coffee snobs at Starbucks haven't raised their prices).

Santa's Clause 4: All marks (trademarks, crayon marks, service marks, wall marks, collective marks, scuff marks, design rights, personality rights, copyrights or registered names) used or cited by this site are the property of their respective owners; until we steal them and claim them for our own. At which time possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Section 2

The Easter Bunny's Clause 1: This site does not offer legal, medical, psychiatric, veterinary or any other kind of professional advice. Nothing on this site should be construed as professional advice. However if you find the articles, posts or comments on this site beneficial the "author(s)" should receive ample compensation in the form of nonsequential unmarked bills or "services rendered" by ladies of the evening.

The Easter Bunny's Clause 2: The information provided herein is of a general nature, except where the "author(s)" are specific and shouldn't be substituted for the advice of a licensed professional unless the "author(s)" claim to be a licensed professional in which case they're lying. A competent authority with specialized knowledge, magic tea leaves, the blood of a virgin chicken and a case of potted meat is the only one who can apply the general information on this site to the circumstances of your case.

The Easter Bunny's Clause 3: Please contact your local bar, strip club owner, neighborhood watch association, witch doctor, voo-doo princes, Llama Orgeler or local pimp in your psyciatric ward to obtain a referral to a "competent" professional if you do not have other means of contacting a "lady of the evening".


Buddha's Clause 1: This site has no control over the information you access via inward or outward bound link in the post text, sidebar, header, footer or comment sections. Sure we visit the sites or we wouldn't link to them, just don't hold us accountable for their actions, unless they've done something good or earned lots of money; then we expect our portion of the proceeds and gratuitous pictures of dancing midgets.

Buddha's Clause 2: This site does not endorse linked site(s), cannot guarantee the accuracy of any information found on linked sites or the correctness of any analysis found therein and should not be held responsible for it or the consequences of a user's use of that information. However should the user be an attractive female of legal age and inspired by said information to post pictures of her breasteses on the interweb a "Hey look at my tee-taa's (o) (o)" link would be greatly appreciated.

Buddha's Clause 3: This site may advertently and intentionally link to content that is obscene, prurient, useless or pornographic. This site and it's "author(s)" in any way possible condone, endorse and take responsibility for such content and if you find a great site and want to share it, that would be greatly appreciated.


Section 1

Chanukah Harry's Clause 1: Publication of information found on this site may be in violation of the laws of the country or jurisdiction from where you are viewing this site’s content. If so you're breaking the law and don't blame us when some pinko-commie with poofy hair makes you his "love slave". Graphic tales of your sordid affairs with said poofy pinko-commie shouldn't be repeated, unless you're a nubile young lady of legal age and willing to provide pictures, minus said poofy haired pinko-commie.

Chanukah Harry's Clause 2: This site publishes "content" and is maintained in reference to the protections afforded it under local, state, provincial, international and federal law; anyone breaking said laws will be sent to bed without pudding and / or spankings.

Chanukah Harry's Clause 3: Laws in your jurisdiction may not protect or allow the same kinds of speech or nudie pictures. If so that really sucks, I'd consider moving from Kalifonia to Canada, they're just as liberal, plus they say eh, a lot, eh, which can be kind of cool, eh.

Chanukah Harry's Clause 4: This site does not encourage, condone, facilitate or protect the violation of any laws and cannot be responsible for any violations of such laws. However if you're going to break these laws please give us ample warning so we can call crime-stoppers and makes some mad cash; plus we want to watch you receive the beat down from "the man".

If you agree with the above ramblings and want to protect yourself, your pet hampster (don't tell us if he's wrapped in electrical tape and please don't send pictures) and your blog, as well as draw attention to Amerika's lack of entertainment involving pudding, feel free to post this disclaimer and rid yourself of pesky erectile dysfunction issues. Then check yourself into the nearest mental hospital, unless you're a hot rich young lady who wouldn't mind moving to the Netherlands and being part of a harem, in which case send naught photos (the more usage of pudding the better) and a bank statement.

If for any reason you decide against our better judgment to link to this disclaimer and you're unable to send a trackback, send me an email and I will provide a reciprocal link and possibly detail on how much fun can be had with a garden hose and a kiddie pool filled with chocolate pudding.

Most importanly of all though, Froggie says to remember to have a nice day.

Posted by phineas g. at 10:15 PM on October 05, 2005 | TrackBack

Oh, I like Santa's Clause 4! And the frog. I am so going to steal the frog. NOW I understand the pudding thing! Why didn't you say so earlier? I have an entire collection of said pics! ;)

Posted by: Theresa at October 6, 2005 09:28 AM

... a thing of beauty...

Posted by: Eric at October 6, 2005 09:50 AM