« More from the mail box | Main | Nerves »

Lumberjack Syndrome

I awoke this mornin' about 2am askairt. As askairt as I've ever been before in my short thirty years hear on earth. When I was shocked awake I realized that at some point during the night aliens had snuck into my bedroom and replaced my lovely bride with an ill mannered twin.

The thing that startled me awake was loud snoring. Matter of fact I was pretty sure that a drunken lumberjack had passed out on the other side of our bed. But the snoring quit when I pinched her nose shut so I'm pretty sure her boyfriend snuck out before I woke up.

She's making frequent trips to the bathroom. She's up every couple of hours, if I didn't know better I'd think she was spending all her spare time at the bar pounding beers with all the other pregnant chics in town.

Then there's the swelling, everything is swelling, including the lump she left on the back of my head.

Pregnant women scare me, they're so damned mean and violent.

note: Parts of this post are complete and total B.S., but I'll leave it to you to decide which parts.

Posted by phineas g. at 04:32 PM on December 21, 2005 | TrackBack
Comments

So it was a load of bollocks right up to the part where she hit you? ;)

Happy Christmas Phinny! x

Posted by: silk at December 21, 2005 04:57 PM

I think the real question here is - did you deserve the lump on the back of your head, even if it is b.s.?

Posted by: Theresa at December 21, 2005 05:51 PM

I refuse to answer those questions for fear of further incriminating myself.

Posted by: phin at December 21, 2005 06:04 PM

Just wait... it gets better. Soon you may not be able to sleep in the same bed with her. If you do she'll roll over and your spawnling will start kicking you in the kidney.

Posted by: Contagion at December 21, 2005 06:51 PM

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night. I work all day.

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.

I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Mama.

Posted by: basil at December 21, 2005 08:06 PM

Oh. My. Your poor wife is going to need a sense of humor in the delivery room.

And you might leave YOURS at the door.

LMAOOOO!

I can SO relate to the Lumberjack thing. Doesn't mean I thought it was funny. *frowny*

Okay. It was funny. Sorta. Damnit.

Posted by: Margi at December 23, 2005 12:38 AM