Headline Nooz

Since nothing really tickles the old fancy today I figured I'd run through the nooz headlines.

The courts have upheld the conviction of Gary Glitter, the British pedophile rocker with a thing for underage girls, for playing show and don't tell with several young girls at a seaside villa. He claims he was teaching them English, funny of all the euphemisms for sex I've never heard it called that before. Oh well, it looks like Old Gary gets a to spend several years in the pokey where he'll undoubtedly make several new friends who will be more than willing to teach him about going Greek. Hey Gary, when you meet Ben Dover opt for the KY without sand.

Man does it stink in here, who farted?

On the upside. Kate Moss will not be charged for trying to snort the entire countryside of England. Seems after getting their information from a Tabloid the police couldn't find enough supporting evidence to make the charges stick. Here I was thinking tabloids were the way to go. Oh well I guess I'd best cancel my subscription to the Enquirer, maybe not, I'd like to know how that whole story about the baby that was born a couple of weeks back with three testicles, four arms and a head shaped like a donkey. I hear he bears a striking resemblance to John Kerry. I of course blame Global Warming.

Man it really reeks in here. I'm thinking it somebody sharted. So far nobody's claimed it. Man the old wet farts suck, but they could at least have the decency to leave the room, 'specially since people are starting to gag.

Poor Brit Brit, she's on an emotional roller coaster. She admitted to being an "emotional wreck" on NBC's Today show. Gee, that's a surprise. Bit-Brit's never been noted to be the poster girl for mental stability has she? Sure she's better off than Angelina Jolie, but who isn't? Oh, she's blaming the pregnancy and the hormones, that's a big surprise. I'd always though pregnant women were a bastion of hormonal stability. I don't get it. Nothing makes sense, nothing. Up is down. Black is white. Right is wrong. Oh, look a happy pill. There that's better. The guy in the white jacket is super nice and always on time with the meds.

Nobody's claimed the shart yet. I'm thinking it's the goofing looking guy gnawing on a bag of Cheetos and banging away on the keyboard one handed. Wonder where is other hand..., never mind, his crotch is orange. He musta found that Midgets with Attitude site I bookmarked the other day. Wait, that's my reflection in the mirror. The mystery continues.

Finally a victory for the masses. Colorado Springs city council voted and overturned a law that was banning pigs inside the city limits. The basis of her argument: Her husband is a lot more messy, isn't nearly as cute and farts three times more than the piglet does. The city council then adjourned the meeting so they could get to Bubba's Barbecue Shack in time for the Pig Pickin'.

Somebody crack a window, spray something, anything, just get the damn rancid smell out of here. I'm pretty sure the culprit is the cute little blond across the isle. She looks pretty angry, like her panties are all knotted up or wet from where she sharted. Damned women, for some reason the have an uncanny ability to sneak out a fart that'll gag a maggot. But this time it bit her on the ass, kind of.

Oh, here's a surprise. Al-Qaida sought to start a war between the U.S. and Iran. Really, did they even need to print this? It's like saying Teddy Kennedy had too much to drink last night or Micheal Moore shut down another "All-You-Can-Eat" Chinese Buffet. Now if they'd found evidence that any of this had been false, well that'd be Pulitzer material.

And now for the battle Foreskin. Mom wants him cut. Dad doesn't. The child's mother wants him circumcised to prevent recurring, painful inflammation she says he's experienced during the past year. Here's a thought. How about teach junior the proper way to use soap and a wash cloth. Smegma bad. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Circumcision: You're either Foreskin or against it.

Well the cute blond is leaving. Perhaps my "come to phinny" look doesn't work so well after all. Good news though is the stench is dying down a bit. Really folks. If you don't learn anything else today just remember you an never trust a fart.

People Magazine has named it's Hottest Bachelors. Apparently sexual oreintation wasn't a factor as Taylor Hicks is the top pick. Expect to hear Agent Bedhead's angst filled screams when she sees Matthew McConaughey didn't make the list.

Why is it men fart and women "poot"? 'tis a double standard that should be done away with. There wasn't a damned thing dainty about the gaseous expulsion from that little blond and it left a good number of us gasping for air. Of course maybe it wasn't her, but that wouldn't explain the look of rage she was walking around with, unless she's frustrated, maybe I should send her that Pudding Wresting Midgets site I found the other day.

Well that about does it for me.
The happy pill is kicking in and the voices are quieting down.