Nasty

Dude, your barbecue tastes like feet.

I guess the reason the story is "news" is because it happened in North Carolina, where we know what real barbecue tastes like. If the "incident" had taken place in Memphis, Texas or Kansas they'd have never know the difference.

The nectar of life

I'm guessing, just from reading other blogs and comments around the intertubes, that most people who frequent blogs are coffee drinkers. I'm no different, with at least a pot a day habit.

Where I probably differ is that nine months out of the year I drink iced coffee almost exclusively. Now, I'm not referring to coffee that's been brewed and then refrigerated, I'm talking about cold brewed coffee. The two have completely different flavors.

From reading various sites it looks like there are several methods with the Toddy Coffee Maker leading the way. Granted I haven't tried it, but I don't see where it'd be worth the hassle of adding another gadget to my kitchen. When it comes to brewing the nectar of life I take a rather simplistic approach, coffee grinds and water go into a pitcher, then gets poured through a reusable cone filter.

Plus, there's a reason I don't drink hot coffee very often. It burns, especially when you're a moron like me and forget to secure the top on your travel mug. Ice coffee on Mr. Johnson doesn't leave burns, hot coffee on the other, um hand, smarts and makes wearing pants uncomfortable.

I'd explain just how uncomfortable it is to sit here with a crotch warmed by coffee this morning, but I've used my daily allotment of profanity for the day.

Perfection be thy name...

I realized last night, as I was munching again on lemon pound cake smattered with homemade strawberry jam, that I just may be perfect. Let's face the facts folks.

Looks, check (nobody said they had to be good).

Intelligence, check (hey, I've never claimed to be the smartest man alive, but I'm definitely in the top three).

Domestic Goddess, check (I dinned last night on Turkey, mashed potatoes & gravy, steamed veggies and topped it of with pound cake and fresh strawberries).

Humility, check (a man's gotta know his limits).

Just so y'all wouldn't feel left out I snapped a shot my pre-midnight snack.

Mmmmm cake.

Blasphemy on the Tee Vee

If you've read more than two entries on this blog you've probably realized there aren't many things I take seriously in life. Some things I won't tolerate people messing around with are my family, faith, my Country and those who defend her, Melissa Theuriau, my friends and Barbeque.

As I've mentioned in the past some folks call whatever they toss on the grill or smother in a tomato based sauce Barbeque. As much as I've tried to edumakate them, there just ain't no learnin' folks decent taste. Which is fine, it just leaves more Barbeque for me, most of the time.

Well tonight as I settled in to watch Tee Vee, and nap a bit, Alton Brown, host of the FoodTV show Good Eats, was discussing Barbeque. His description of Barbeque was very close to mine, at least the cooking process. For y'all wondering about the proper cooking technique, it's slow smoked pork, and a slice of heaven when done properly, done wrong it's a greasy mess.

Then towards the end of the show he mentioned sauce. Now anybody with decent raisin', and a bit of good sense, knows the only sauce that touches Barbeque is vinegar based. I'll be damned if Alton, Mr. Brown if you're nasty, didn't mention making a sauce out of sweet pickle juice and mustard. I kid you not, I threw up, just a bit, in my mouth.

I got this sickened queasy feeling that soon turned into rage. Why, why the hell would anybody allow this to be run on national Tee Vee? Here we are censoring cartoon images of Mohammad, Muhammad or however they're spelling it this week, and this slips by.

Now I'm no religious expert, never claimed to be, but I'm pretty damned sure that suggesting somebody pour a bile type liquid onto otherwise perfectly prepared Barbeque is a one way ticket straight to hell, purgatory, the Clinton household for a game of slap and tickle or whatever your idea of eternal damnation is.

Blasphemy plain and simple.

Forgive me for I have sinned...

This man is the devil. Shhhhhh, you hear that, that's the sound of my arteries clogging. You don't really expect me to take responsibility for my actions that will probably lead to me having a quadruple bypass by the age of 31, do you?

It's Steve's fault, if I handn't read this post I wouldn't have followed in his steps(with a couple of modifications).

I fried the onions in bacon grease, which also meant I had crispy bacon to add to the sammich. I didn't have Jack Daniels around, but I did have a bit of Wild Turkey Rare Breed. Finally I used Provolone for the cheese.

This may be the GREATEST.SAMMICH.EVER.
In the words of Stewie "it's like an orgy in my mouth".

I'm having a couple of these sammiches for lunch today, if it's anything like it was last night I may pass out from the near orgasmic experience.

Update: I would have updated sooner but I think I blacked out for a bit. I didn't think it was possible for it to be even better the second day. It took me twice as long to as it normally does to eat since I was moaning and groaning the entire time. Now I've got to head by the butcher on the way home to pick up another shoulder.

All or nothing

I've recently been called lots of things recently regarding my spreading of the gospel according to me.

Accusations of heresy have been made.
Other people are claiming we're Barbeque light weights.

My reply: It's all or nothing.

The following pictures may be a tad bit offensive, however some folks need to see them, as without visual cues they may stumble through life unenlightened.

Each of the following pictures may be enlarged with a clickity of the mouse.

In other words, you've got to go whole hog or go home.

The War of Lateral Aggression

I speak to you as a North Carolinian in a solemn hour for the life of our country, of our Empire, of our Allies, and above all the cause of good and true Barbeque. A tremendous battle is raging in Memphis and other parts of the Country. The Memphians, by a remarkable combination of propaganda and trickery have begun their full fledged assault on the taste buds of America. They have penetrated deeply and spread alarm and confusion in their trick.

It would be foolish, however to disguise the gravity of the hour. It would be still more foolish to lose heart and courage or to suppose that maybe there is room for tomatoes in Barbeque sauce, however much you like the idea of spicy catsup. We may look with confidence to the stabilization of the border known as I-95, and to the general engagement of the masses which will enable the qualities of the only true Barbeque to be matched squarely against those of their adversaries with spicy catsup at hand. For myself, I have the invincible confidence in our Barbeque and in Barbeque connoisseurs throughout the South.

We must expect that as soon as stability is reached on the Western Front, the bulk of that hideous apparatus of aggression which has smothered taste buds throughout the Southeast will be turned upon us. I am sure I speak for all when I say we are ready to face it; to endure it; and to retaliate against it - to any extant that the unwritten laws of war permit.

There will be, many men, and many women, on this island of sanity, who when the ordeal comes upon them, as come it will, will feel comfort, and even pride - that they are sharing the perils of the lads at the front, God bless them - and are drawing away from them a part at least of the onslaught they have to bear. Is this not the appointed time for all to make the utmost exertions in their power?

Our task is not only to win the battle - but to win the War. There will come the battle for our sauce - for all that Barbeque is, and all that Barbeque means - that will be the struggle. In that supreme emergency we shall not hesitate to take every step, even the most drastic, to call forth from our people, the last ounce and the last inch of effort they are capable. The interests of property, the hours of labour, are nothing compared with the struggle for Barbeque and honour, for right and freedom, to which we have vowed ourselves.

We have differed and quarreled in the past; but now one bond unites us all - to wage war until victory is won, and never to surrender ourselves to servitude and shame and tomatoes in or on our Barbeque, whatever the cost and agony may be. This is one of the most awe-striking periods in the long history of Barbeque. It is also beyond doubt the most sublime. Side by side, unaided except by their kith and kin in the great Dominions and by the wide Empires which rest beneath their shield, North Carolina’s peoples have advanced to rescue not only Memphis, but MANKIND from the foulest and most soul-destroying tyranny which has ever darkened and stained the pages of history. Behind them - behind us - behind the cookers and smokehouses of Eastern North Carolina - gather a group of shattered States and bludgeoned American: the Yankees, the Lexingtons, the Tennesseans, the Texans, the Kansans, - upon all of whom the long night of Barbequeism will descend, unbroken even by a star of hope, unless we conquer, as conquer we must; as conquer we shall.

Centuries ago words were written to be a call and a spur to the faithful servants of Truth and Justice: 'Arm yourselves, and be ye men of valour, and be in readiness for the conflict; for it is better for us to perish in battle than to look upon the outrage of our nation and our altar. As the Will of God is in Heaven, even so let it be.'

In the words of General Omar Bradley In war there is no prize for the runner-up, well except for a plate of faux barbeque smothered in tomato based faux barbeque sauce.

And so coninutes the War of Lateral Aggression as we pursue the three keys happiness.

Note: A majority of this post was blatantly plagiarized from Sir Winston Churchill's "Be ye men of Valour" Speech.