Its better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick...

...but just barely.

Why is it, that the inevitable landing place for a toddler's wildly flailing appendage, be it a foot or hand, is their father's 'nads?

America's Funniest Home Videos built a fortune of of guys getting popped in the twins by their kids. Sure we're laughing, covering our own jewels and kind of wincing in pain, but laughing none the less. I guess its the laws of probability or something that delivering the swift blows of what the missus refers to as "justice".

Its getting bad enough around the phish bowl that I'm trying to find where to purchase a titanium athletic supporter, else, I can't ensure the phinlet won't be an only child. Now, I know some of you are thinking that I've brought this upon myself, wrestling and just generally running rampant with the 'tot. In most cases you'd probably be correct, so I guess I can't bitch about them but so much.

However, its the damned sneak attacks that not only sting the worse, but also seem to bring the most delight to the phinlet and missus. Take last night for instance. We're sitting around, unwinding and getting ready to put the phinlet to bed. He's sitting in my lap, watch Bear in the Big Blue House and eating grapes.

Next thing I know, he's ready to get down, so without any warning whatsoever, he does this full body spasm thing that propels him out of my lap and onto the floor (standing I might add). Which would be kind of cool, had the twins not been the springboard for one of his heels. Needless to say, I wincing, then grunted, then just sat their waiting for the world to come to an end.

The wife, giggling uncontrollably, asks if I'm OK. The phinlet, initially concerned, see's his darling mother laughing like a lunatic and joins in. If'n this were a one off occasion, I'd probably be laughing too, but its every week. Now I learn from my mistakes, so the same method of attack only happens once.

Which means eventually they'll subside, maybe? I mean, there's only so many different ways a toddler can inadvertently pop a guy in the 'nads right?

Until then, I'm headed to the local sporting good store and buying a cup.

Crap

Is it me or does the current design around here look kind of dingy?

No major changes are under way, just a bit of, how you say fall cleaning shall be underway shortly.

WWVD: Velociquestion™ #1

As I was perusing the Yahooligan news wire I ran across an article explaining that Canadians had discovered keeping the homeless boozed up was actually keeping them healthier. That's right the Canadian Medical Association decided to waste perfectly good booze on folks that aren't willing to work for it.

As I pondered this bit of information I was getting a tad bit irritated. Here I was having to work, well show up at the office, for somewhere around eight hours a days, to afford my hooch and those crazy canooks were providing Night-train, Mad Dog 20/20 and Ripple to bums in the name of science, for free even.

After a couple of drinks at lunch, to calm the nerves ya know, I asked my self. Self What Would Velociman Do in a situation like this?

So I devised a plan, not only to get my hands on some free drink while cutting down on the number of bums walking the streets around the office. See we've got a pet bum named George, he's a professor of Ebonics I think, and everyday like clock work ole George shows up for his dollar. We call it protection money, hell it's a charitable contribution and a tax write of ain't it???

Well tomorrow as a late Christmas present ole George is getting a all expenses paid trip, via USPS¹, to the land o' milk and honey free booze. Once he arrives he's to split his daily rations and all he can wrangle from the other bums with me. Pure genius I tell you.

Now y'all may be wonderin' what his incentive to "share" will be. Well from what I heard it get's mighty damned cold in Canada 'bout this time of year and I'm holdin' on to his coat and return postage 'til I get an adequate supply of "fine" wine. Hey, if you haven't tried equal parts of Champaign and Ripple, I like to call it Champipple, you just ain't livin'. And hell those hosers are just givin' the stuff away.

Of course if you are in any way offended by this, go fly a kite, eh.

1) Stop lookin' at me like I'm cruel and heartless, I'm poking air holes in the box and givin' him half a bologna sammich to hold him over. It shouldn't take him more than a week or so to clear customs should it?

A Straight White Lizard?

Yesterday, Eric went off to look at lizards.

Don't ask me why.

Silly BlogPop, does he not know the best ones are in Texas??

Texas, Eric, Texas. The only place to be!

Reservations...

Reservations for my trip to the Left Coast next week are complete.
Even though I'll be close to Compton and Inglewood I'm going to pass on kickin' back with my homies and drinkin' a 40's of O.E. I'm sure all the bloods and crypts readin' this are disappointed, so consider this my Shout Out Yo. Maybe on the next trip.

As much as I enjoy travel there's one part I hate.
Making reservations.

Anybody want to volunteer to be my personal travel assistant? The pay is nonexistent, but the perks like persistent sexual harassment and being under around me should more than make up for the lack of pay.

Why is it...

that feminists dress and try their best to look like men?

Their refusal to wear a bra is bad enough; who wants to be surrounded by women tucking their chesticles into their belt?

Maybe Freud was on to something...

Hell bound

There's the old saying that you learn something new everyday.

Today's lesson for me was that I'm bound for hell. Never mind the good deeds I've done, the way I've lived my life or all the Sundays I've spent in church. Nope, I'm destined to burn, eternally. My damning behavior?

I dared to ask a couple of bible thumpers why so many churches and god fearing people's lives were destroyed by God. A God who'd wielded Hurricane Katrina as a weapon. A weapon with power equal to or greater than the bombs we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Prior to their answer I reminded them of their stance regarding the Tsunami from earlier this year.

The response I got: "That is why you're going to hell."

No worries though, I let them know I'd hold the door for them if I got there first.

A work related question

Does work ever interfere with anybody else's ability to blog properly?

Who the hell do those people in the front office think they are anyhow?

Sure they sign the paychecks but does that really give them the power to dictate how I spend my time while I'm at the office?

Me thinks it may be time for a rebellion!!!!!!

HBS #XXVIII : Winning the war on terror

I've been slack when it comes to participation in the Homespun Blogger Symposiums. July 8th's question:

This week saw terrorism raise it's ugly head in London killing more than 50 people, wounding over 700.

Based on this recent attack...do you feel that we're winning, losing, or holding our own in fighting the Global War on Terrorism (GWOT)? (Hint: The answer may be none of the above.)

There has never been a viable alternative to fighting the war on terror. We can not follow in the footsteps of others and cower behind the skirts of other countries. If we can not depend up ourselves to rid the world of terror who can we depend upon?

basil mentioned there are several fronts to the war on terror. We can not afford to follow the path the Deans, Kerrys and Kennedys would lead us down; lest all the gains we have made in the war on terror would be for naught. So far the terrorists training grounds in Afghanistan have been destroyed and emptied. Many terrorists have been captured, killed or are on the run. Bin Laden is now an impotent little man on the run, he's no long the daunting fear inducing character of 2001.

Yes we are winning the war on terror. Had Bin Laden's dreams been carried out the United States of America would have crumbled into disarray and we would be begging for the terrorist to stop their attacks. Instead the Taliban has been reduced to a group of lying cowards (Hat Tip: The Jawa Report). Bin Laden is on the run and may be dead. And the terrorist Saddam Hussein has been removed from power and will be held accountable for his actions.

For those of you who may question whether or not Saddam Hussein is a terrorist. Terrorism Defined: All criminal acts directed against a State and intended or calculated to create a state of terror in the minds of particular persons or a group of persons or the general public. So when as he and his henchmen murdered, raped and tortured the innocent people of Iraq they were committing acts of terrorism.

Yes we are winning the war on terror. Instead of crumbling and screaming for a change of leadership we have kept the leaders in place who will not allow our great nation and it's people to fall. Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame we rallied behind our leaders and have stood beside our allies in their darkest moments. Instead of depending upon others to rid the world of threats to our homelands we have taken the fight to our threats and won't stop until they have been removed.

As basil said:

We're winning the War on Terror, because we cannot afford to lose it. We didn't ask for this war. We didn't want this war. We don't want to have to fight this or any war. But it was brought to our shores. And we will fight this war. And we will win it.

For those who feel finding an alternative to oil is the solution answer this: What is the Middle East going to do once their only marketable product has been replaced? Yes we are dependant upon oil; however the Middle East is also dependant upon us. Once an alternative has been found how long will it take for the wide spread poverty that plagues Africa to reach the Middle East? If you think the Middle East is a Terrorist breading ground now, what would happen if the world wasn't pumping billions of dollars into their economy?

An alternative fuel source must be found as there is a limited supply of oil. During this time we must also eradicate the extremists that would do us harm, teach the affected populations how to fend for themselves by helping them find other marketable solutions and spread democracy to allow these changes.

Yes we are winning the war on terror, it isn't pretty and there is a long road to go. We can only hope and pray that our leadership will continue to take the fight to the terrorists instead of waiting until they bring the fight to us.

More tests

Via the Llama Buthers:
Your "Empathy Quotient" Test Score is 20:
0 - 32 = You have a lower than average ability for understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately. Most people with Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism score about 20. On average, most women score about 47 and most men about 42.

Your "Systemizing Quotient" Test Score: 50
40 - 50: You have an above average ability for analyzing and exploring a system. On average women score about 24 and men score about 30. Most people with Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism score between 40 - 50.

So folks if you're starting a pool of what the hell's wrong with me the winner is either Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.

Robbo when you finish with your appointment, see if they have an opening for me.

A visit to the doctor's office

I was in the doctor’s office, my general physician, earlier this week. Apparently my doctor also handles some feminine issues to phrase it nicely. They put me in a waiting / examination room I either haven’t been in before or haven’t paid attention to the decorum.

In the room there’s a table with the stirrups, posters of different gynecological health related issues. Do they really need to put posters up of that stuff? If you’ve got the problems these posters were describing I’m pretty damn sure you’re going to the doctor. But that really isn’t the question that’s been eating at me.

Every time I’ve had to “disrobe” they leave the room so I can put on one of those gowns that covers absolutely nothing in the front. And have you noticed it’s typically cold in the doctor’s office? Shrinkage anyone? Not that I’m trying to impress my doctor, but would it hurt for them to bump the thermostat up a bit and help a guys ego out a bit? But that really isn’t the question that’s been eating at me either.

See what I really don’t understand is why in one corner of the room gynecological exam room there was a changing area with a curtain, bench, etc…. Granted I’m not an overly bashful person and it takes quite a bit to embarrass me. So maybe I just don’t get it. But if the doctor is going to be eye level with *ahem* your goodies is there really a need for a designated changing area?

Update: Somebody e-mailed me and let me know I was wearing the hospital gowns backwards. No wonder I got all those strange looks when I walked though the doctor's office.