Asinine

As I was riding to work this morning I heard that Barry Bonds is receiving death threats that include racial slurs because he is about to break Hank Aaron's career home runs record.

Which you know if you slam your head against the wall long enough and to damned severe brain damage will make perfect sense. Really with everything else going on the world we can ill afford to have that colored boy break our negro's record.

When bitter shrews attack

Vinnie points to an article where bitter shrew Debbie Schlussel whines about Medicare funding Stomach Stapling operations.

It really is nice to see she does her research, you know rather than going off on a baseless, half baked theory.

With little research and by talking to a couple of doctors she’d have found out that a majority of the people who qualify for the "barbaric" surgery she's referring to have exhausted all other options. Maybe if she'd pull her head out of her ass long enough to talk to a couple of people involved in medicine she'd have learned this.

Most often its people with metabolisms that have slowed to the point that they're gaining weight on a diet that won't sustain most people or people with gland / hormone problems. ***

In these types cases, I'm all for Medicare covering the surgery. In the long run, it's cheaper than the diabetic supplies, increased medications, hover-rounds, heart surgery and other obesity related illnesses. Not to mention the increased quality of life. Basically it boils down to simple economics, though the idea of a Cost Benefit Analysis appears to be out of her realm of comprehension.

Hell, I'd be all for Medicare buying her the Ultravibe Pleasure 4000 if it'd knock the crazy down a bit and if Medicare won't cover it, I WILL.

*** Sorry forgot to include a link to the American Obesity Association's web site with information on the Causes of Obesity, which include: Genetic, Environmental and Behavioral variables.

How to alienate your constituents 101

I'm not real sure who they have calling the shots at Pajamas Media and haven't blogged about it much. Sure I started up Pajamas Mediocrity and since I haven't said it publicly, I really do hope the Pajamahadines make a go of it and become a profitable well run organization that doesn't have to repeatedly learn by making mistakes. So far though its been about like watching four monkeys trying to gangbang a greased football.

To date I've been perfectly happy watching them shoot themselves in the foot, laughing, quietly most of the time, as they've made blunder after blunder. The latest bit of proof that they don't have the slightest bit of business acumen, much less an understanding of human nature and most definitely bloggers is by setting up the twenty-two links they've dubbed as PJ Bloggers. The rest of the seventy some odd "PJ Network Blogs" are pushed into obscurity since their links aren't available from the main page.

Maybe one of the PJ Coders could change the Network Blog link to a drop down menu, that'd help; at least the PJ Readers wouldn't have to wait for a second page to load to access the blogroll. Maybe one of the PJ Highups could authorize a twenty dollar subscription to Blogrolling so they could display the twenty-two most recently updated sites, that'd be a whole lot more beneficial.

I'll also extend the offer for them to use the Penguin from Pajamas Mediocrity, for a small fee of course, 'cause the Pajamas Media logo sucks, at least their latest version doesn't look like a bathrobe.

Update: The Pajama Gnomes have dropped the "Network Blogs" label, now everybody's a PJ Blogger. I guess if all four monkeys paw at the football long enough the grease'll wear off and one of them is bound to get a decent grip.

Update #2: The logo is still damned ugly.

Dick Vital is an idiot

I can't think of another sports announcer I'd like to see receive a beat down from a pack of rabid hamsters, except maybe Billy Packer.

Baby Jesus Blogging

*** Start Disclaimer ***
If you've reached this page looking for information on Baby Jesus, you're not going to find it.

This is a post setup primarily because I enjoy beating dead horses and will go to great lengths to prove a point. Also it's a lame attempt to prevent the number one search result for Baby Jesus from being a sex toy.

You may also consider it sacrilege, if so, move along.
** End Disclaimer ***

I may have opened a can of worms in a previous post from earlier today regarding google results for Baby Jesus. There was discussion about the search results and it was suggested that it would be easy a dubious programmer at google to make couple of tweaks to shift the results when search for Baby Jesus to an adult toy site either that or it was asserted there has to be a flaw at the very core of Google's search routine.

As best I can figure Google's search routine utilizes weighted values where items in between the <title> tags are assigned higher values than items in <h*> (header tags), which are assigned higher values than items in hyperlinks, which are assigned higher values than plain text. Kind of confusing until you put it all on paper. Lets assign arbitrary values of 5 for a title reference, 4 for a h1 header reference, 3 for all other header references, 2 for hyperlinks and a solitary point for plain text.

This individual post would rate as follows:
Page Title: phin's blog: Baby Jesus Blogging +5 points
H1 Reference (the article post title): Baby Jesus Blogging +4 points
No additional Header References: 0 points
Two Hyperlinks: +4 points
Plain Text References: Baby Jesus was referenced seven times + 7 points
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Total Score: 20
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now I'm making no claims that Google uses this exact scenario, however weighted systems such as these are common. Anybody who has spent a semester or two studying computation and complexity theory can back these claims.

Now, well now we wait to see if my removal of Google's 'bot from the Robots.txt will allow Google to pick up this page and take me to the top of search results for Baby Jesus.

Google Delenda est

While preparing a post for Christmas a search on was done on Google for Baby Jesus. The googler was hoping to find an image or two that would accompany his post wishing his readers a Merry Christmas, while reminding them that the Baby Jesus is the "reason for the season". However much to the googler's dismay a sex toy was found to be the number one result when you search for the phrase Baby Jesus on Google and from there the conspiracy theories began to fly and other people decided to join in.

Excuse me for a second while I don my Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie, okay all better now that the Deamoncrats can't infiltrate my thoughts with their Mindochangeatron.

Is having the number one result when searching for Baby Jesus offensive? Sure it is, but the last time I checked we were free, which means we're free to be offended, and that we may on occasion run across something sacrilegious. If you're curious about countries that hands down stiff penalties for sacrilege check into Iran or Saudi Arabia.

People have claimed they've reviewed the HTML for the page and that there is nothing that should push that particular page to the top of the rankings. Now maybe I'm wrong, but I'd be willing to bet my bank account that nobody making or backing these claims has access to the code Google uses, you know seeing how it's proprietary and all. When I checked the HTML I found the "Offending Site" has five occurrences of the phrase Baby Jesus as with some of them being hyperlinks, thus the increased ranking. (The next couple of sites had a frequency count of six without any hyperlinks.)

Many bloggers, myself included, receive hits for often unthought-of of phrases. To expect Google to filter out every phrase people find offensive would be an impossible task, not to mention they'd have the ACLU all over them like white on rice. To launch conspiracy theories placing the blame on Google or a Google employee or faulting their code for working as designed (just because you don't like the results) is just plain asinine.

A little bit of research into the Google bombing may have saved the conspiracy theorists a bit of headache, yet instead they're charging along without basis or reasoning, even when they've been approached with logical explanations. Some commenters calling for the destruction of Google and calling for Google to modify its search results (I was waiting for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton to join in, with demands of atonement) and do nothing to further conservatives viewpoints.

Perhaps there’s a witch that could burn at the stake, it's been a while and the stench of unfounded accusations has obviously become unrecognizable.

Now excuse me while I go Caroling:
Deck the halls with Aluminum Foil
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Don we now our Tin Foil Beanies
Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la

Maynard G. Krebs has left the building

Beatniks worldwide are arranging protests due to the motivational speech I gave during a production meeting earlier today. I wasn't overly abusive, physically, I don't think, well maybe just a little.

As we laid out expectations, responsibilities, goals and deadlines for the next year you could see the wheels churning as the peasants began to revolt. Why should they be held accountable? Why should they have shedules to meet? What was in it for them?

My two word reply: Continued Employment.

But no, that wasn't good enough, why should they be expected to perform? They had to be given a reason. Yes dear readers they wanted purpose. And that is when the proverbial shit hit the fan. Think Bobby Knight, in a conference room, without the throwing of chairs, okay maybe one or two chairs were rearranged, but they were vacant.

As kind and polite as I try to be, I've come to a realization that a healthy dose of fear is required at times.

Sign up now ladies and gentlemens, I'll be lecturing all week on the Motivational Tactics Genghis Kahn. The cost: $35, you must provide your own sacrificial lamb, goat or sheep.

Reason #1,092,969 why I hate computers

Because a simple Norton System Works security update deleted information essential to the operating system (i.e.: 90% of the Registry). Thus I have the joy of reinstalling Windows and the 100+ applications I run for work.

Reason #1,239,008 Why I like computers better than most people:
When you instruct a computer to do something it doesn't ask why half a dozen times and then pout when I finally reply "Because I farokin' said so, now do it or pack your crap and find another job.

For some reason folks think I'm a bit "testy" today.

Me callous???

I received an e-mail last night from somebody who'd found my humble web abode by searching for Hurricane Ophelia. After visiting for a brief timeframe (one page view) they'd seen enough.

I was then greeted by an e-mail. They wanted to know how I could make light of such an dangerous situation. How could I be so callous and make such a joke when thousands have recently been left homeless? Was I some kind of moron for not taking the situation seriously?

I started to reply back to the author. Then I figured the reply would fall on deaf ears. They'd already made up their mind and there wasn't any need in trying to convince them otherwise. Nope, that time could be better spent.

How could it be better spent? By signing them up for a daily porn blitz. Unsure of the person's sexual orientation I decided it would be best to go with a variety of material. I sure hope they enjoy the daily barrage of interracial, man on man, woman on woman, bestiality I signed them up for.

Oh and dear reader, should you stop back by, make sure your Virus Definitions and Firewall are up to date. Those porn rings you signed up for are notorious for spreading viral infections.

See I'm not callous. Vindictive, bitter, malicious, hateful, petty and mean spirited yes, but I'm definitely not callous.

Update: The request for beer wasn't so much for me as it was for the benefit of the surrounding people and areas. See when the old lady runs out of beer she starts drinking liquor. And when she drinks liquor she gets mean. And when she gets mean somebody’s gonna tote an ass whippin’ and it sure isn’t going to be me.

Update #2: The old lady just e-mailed me and said I shouldn't refer to her as the old lady anymore. If I turn up missing the CIA did it, she's in cahoots with them.

A smiting or not?

I've talked to several people who have recently taken issue with an satirical article on the Advocate's website, written by Karel, referring to the recent deaths in the boy scouts as an act of revenge by God. A co-worker who considers himself a devout Christian asked my opinion on the article.

I explained that thought it was tacky for Karel to make light of the recent deaths in the Boy Scouts. But I didn't think it was any less tacky than the bible thumpers (Falwell etc..) that publicly blamed 9/11 on the Gay population (as he mentioned). At least Karel admits to his article being sarcasm and offers his sympathies to the affected families. Whereas some of the far right, got quite a bit of media attention (and little denigration) when they tried to fire off their own socio-ethnic cleansing scheme.

Playing devil's advocate I asked him what the difference was between the tsunamis from earlier this year and the acts that Karel points out. If you honestly believe God is willing to unleash the horrors of Mother Nature on multiple countries why wouldn't God also make an example out of several scout leaders? All the horrific events are pretty much all open to interpretation, except quite a few on the right feel and have voiced in national media and on blogs, that the reason the predominantly Muslim nations were targeted by an angry God was to teach them a lesson (a smiting if you will). Not very different from what Karel described, except they were dead serious and didn't include the heavy dose of sarcasm he implores, and they damn sure didn't extend their sympathies to the families affected.

My personal view is that smitings were over with when Jesus died on the cross. I can't say God destroyed that many lives to teach a lesson, especially given the number of hurricanes and other natural disasters that have plowed into the eastern seaboard the past several years (even my hypocrisy has limits).

Something wrong with the world today...

On my drive to work I was flipping through the radio stations. I found a song I liked and left it there. When the morning show hosts came back on the air I heard one of the hosts offer a solution to one of their callers. A solution that proves there's something dreadfully wrong with the world today.

See this caller's problem is that she is in a relationship with a man that doesn't want to be married or have children. They, the caller and her boyfriend, are both divorced and have children from a previous marriage. The caller however wants to get married right away and wants to start a second family with the one true love for her.

That's when one of the co-hosts suggests that she stop using birth control medication. In the hostesses little world the woman calling in would get pregnant and the boyfriend would change his mind, they'd get married and live happily ever after. She was truly offering this advice to the woman on the radio, and thusly offering it to anyone listening as a solution to their problems.

Now I realize and you realize that the advice she's offering is a load of crap. However to somebody ignorant to call a morning show for advice the little voice coming through their speakers is the gospel. We realize that the whole situation could and probably will blow up in her face. She and several other people that called in didn't see a problem with the hostesses' solution and offered other solutions from prior experience.

There's something wrong with the world today folks. The biggest problem I see is that not only are stupid people allowed to breed; it's also that they're out breeding those of us with good sense.

Unsurprised and unimpressed

I really wished I was surprised by the comment Evil Glenn® of It's a Pundit received on this post regarding Catherine Baker Knoll today.

How somebody actually has the backbone to blame the family, not Ms. Knoll for her comments is beyond me. Well I guess I can't call it backbone since they didn't since they posted with a non-existent web address and probably a fake e-mail address as well.

So I'll pose this question to the general blogidohexiweb: If Catherine Knoll wasn't hoping for the support of the slain veteran’s family why would she make the statement that "Our Government" wasn't supporting the war to them?

I hope they both catch the clap and that their nether regions are infested with the fleas from a thousand rabid gophers.

Hypocrisy abound

The release of Terri Shavio's autopsy has proven that Mrs. Shavio was in a persistent vegetative state. Baring divine intervention there was no hope for recovery, she was blind, she would have been unable to survive without a feeding tube, she was completely unaware of her surroundings and the Doctors that claimed she was responding to stimuli were quacks.

I never voiced my opinion on Terri Shavio, I didn't feel it was my place to say one way or the other. I still don't. The wife and I have taken steps to ensure this won't happen to us, thus I urge you now as I did several months ago to fill out a living will. You can find links here and here, if you haven't the resources to have a lawyer file one for you.

The one thing that continues to amaze me regarding Mrs. Shavio's case however is the people who blatantly accused Michael Shavio of murder are still sticking to their claims, even when medical science can't prove he did anything wrong. Actually I'm not that amazed as it was mainly ultra-conservative right to life groups distorting the truth to further their cause. In typical extremist fashion when things aren't going their way they have simply ignore the truth.

To those still riding Michael Shavio's ass: Leave the man alone, get on with your life or at least find another cause. Here's a question for the ultra-conservative: How can you argue against the sanctity of marriage when trying to save Terri Shavio, but for it when you're trying to prevent gay marriage. Sorry folks, but my moral standing just doesn't fluctuate that easily.

Doesn't this seem the least bit hypocritical to you? How will you react when the tables are turned, where the husband is the one clinging to a hope of recovery? I'm betting then you'll be arguing the sanctity of marriage then, how blissfully hypocritical of you.

As Confederate Yankee stated:

If nothing else, it comforts me somewhat to think it that Terri is in a better place now.

I’m not so sure about the rest of us.

I started to include points regarding the lack of response in this post as well; however Kathy at Cake Eater Chronicles does a much better job than I would have, go read her Random Observation post.

Chivalry ain't dead

I've been debating whether or not to post regarding women being involved in direct combat roles.

There is s reason that I haven't seen very many people cover, and it could be considered a sexist issue, so I'll apologize in advance for being a pig. Actually I won't, if you don't like it, tough, get over it.

There are certain gender based roles that as a race the two different sexes fill. Men typically don't have strong maternal instincts; it's just a fact of life. Men are typically considered the protectors of the family, yes it's sexist and yes I realize that women can provide for a family just fine. That isn't my point. There are gender roles that our brains are hard wired with, they're the most primal of our urges, like the urge to reproduce. We simply can't change the urges just because it's the politically correct thing to do.

I haven't served in any branch of the military, so I don't have any personal experience to draw from. However I have talked to several people that have served and their opinion is the same as mine; the urge of a man to protect a woman isn't something that can be "un-trained". If nothing men are extremely predictable beasts, we'll often put ourselves in harms way to protect a woman.

For example: In college I was heading home late one night, when I stopped at a stop sign and saw a guy beating the crap out of what I presumed to be his girlfriend. Without any further thought I backed my truck over the curb, into the parking lot and got out. The girl was maybe 5'2" all and 100 pounds soaking wet, he had to be close to double her size and by the time I reached them he was open handedly beating the hell out of this girl.

He hadn't paid any attention to me pulling into the parking lot or approaching them, so I hollered at him and when he turned I laid him out. I hit him harder than I'd ever hit anyone in the twenty some years leading up to that point. When I hit him the skin on my knuckles and the meat on his nose pealed back, yet for some reason I didn't stop. As he hit the ground I was on top of him. I'm not sure what happened after that. See I got in a couple more shots before I was laid out myself.

Apparently the girl who had seconds before been screaming bloody murder didn't care for me evening things up. I'm not quite sure what she hit me with; all I know is she split my cheek and damn near knocked me out. As I was getting up off the ground, she was helping him up and into their car where she drove away.

Now I'm not recounting one of the more humbling, yes getting knocked on your ass by a 100 pound woman is very humbling, moments of my past to speak of my own chivalrous virtues. If I am willing to place myself in such a situation, how are our soldiers going to react when they see a female in harms way?

Are they going to take risks they otherwise wouldn't take? I know had it been two guys in that parking lot I wouldn't have been about to recount the story above.

What happens when it comes to a P.O.W. situation? How are our solders too react when they see one of their female colleagues being beaten or sexually assaulted. Imagine the mental abuse they would suffer knowing they could prevent a woman from being raped if they were to divulge information that may or may not be useful to the enemy.

Call me sexist I don't care, but I do not see how you can expect a soldier who voluntarily signed up to risk his life to protect those back home will be able to treat a woman as just another body on the battle field.

Maybe the problem is certain people have become accustomed to letting women do their dirty work.

Maybe certain people don't mind hiding behind a woman's skirt if it keeps their Ivy League ass out of a fight.

It isn't about competency, it isn't about women being unfit for service and it isn't that some women aren't physically capable of doing the job. There are some physically fit enough to drag a wounded 200 pound marine off the battle field, not many, but some. It's just that a majority of our soldiers haven't been pussified to a point they would idly sit by and watch something bad happen to a woman.

Sorry folks like it or not Chivalry ain't dead and placing women along side men on the battle field is a bad, bad idea.

Send complaints here.

More than a coincidence

I typically don't participate in White Trash Wednesdays. However, since CBS has decided to join in the fray uninvited, so to speak, so shall I.

It's not that I'm pissed somebody who actually did something heroic and valid has a T.V. movie being aired about their actions. Really the trailer park princess that the media has deemed a hero did little more than any two bit hooker has done. Well actually a two bit hooker has a bit more courage; they knowing put themselves at risk whereas Amber Frey is and was just plain stupid. Amber Frey's claim to fame is she slept Scott Peterson (who if you've lived in a bubble the past several years killed his wife and unborn son).

Throughout the entire ordeal she's claimed her innocence and that she didn't know Ol' Scottie boy was married. Now call me old fashioned, but prior to hopping in the sack with someone on a repeated basis I think I'd want to know a bit more about them, at a bare minimum their marital situation. It would have surely been entirely to difficult to pick up the phonebook and see if his wife's name was listed right beside his, or to actually call the house. I mean Modesto, CA where Scott and Laci Peterson were living is a city of around 190,000 people so there had to be at least a couple hundred pages in the phone book. I realize I'm being a bit hard on Amber for not picking up the phone book and calling Scott's house or at least seeing they were listed as Scott and Laci Peterson, maybe she never made it past the first grade where they teach you not to go home with strangers.

There's the whole naked pictures issue. There's an organization of people who get their jollies by viewing at pictures of people who look like her; their name is NAMBLA (that's short for North American Man/Boy Love Association). If the media was going to take skanky redneck an make a movie about her she could at least have done something somewhat worthwhile, right Britney?

The blame doesn't entirely lay with Amber Frey; the media is just as much to blame. Rather than air a story about a true hero, maybe one of the soldiers who lost their life in Iraq, or a policeman killed protecting us they picked this bimbo. A bimbo who hired an attorney shortly after seeing the monetary potential realizing she could help.

Couldn't the two hours of airtime that CBS is going to burn on this waste of oxygen be better utilized airing pictures of missing children, or suspected murders on the run?

Oh and if sombody is really thinking about saying she's a hero because she didn't have to come forward, you don't want to open that can of worms. What Amber Frey did is no where close to what a women who's been sexually assaulted goes through when they're put on trial. Amber Frey was a willing participant, not to trivialize Laci's death, but what makes Amber's poor taste in men a heroic quality? I’m pretty sure there have been lots of women that slept with murders are they all heroines also?

Why waste two hours of valuable airtime unless the big wigs at CBS are knowingly trying to upstage the other participants of White Trash Wednesday. Anybody want to bet the next hussy turned hero will be Ana Marie Cox, she has trashed her journalistic integrity to infiltrate the world of blogging. There's also the suffering she must endure while on panels with those smelly conservative bloggers and the interviews with Fox News, oh the horror.

Linked to basil's blog | Lunch: 5/25/05.

A memo from the boss

Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

• Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
• Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
• Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
• Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.
• "Accidentally" Delete the Three Gigs of pornography on his work computer.
• Print out motivational phrases from despair.com and post them all over the office.
• "Accidentally" Replace the Two Gigs of pornography he downloaded after the Three Gigs were deleted with Gay Pornography.
• Ask for spankings a form of punishment if a deadline is missed
• "Accidentally" Replace the porn to replace the gay porn with pictures of kittens and puppies.
• Display this image on my desktop:
  
  Please remember to think about the kittins.
• Point all the desktop shortcuts on my boss's computer to the pornographic movies he's downloaded to replace the kittens and puppies.
• Play the Llama Song over the Intercom and leave for lunch.
• Ask customers: "Would you like fries with that?". (I work for a software company.)
• Use the phrase: "I like syrup!" anytime someone mentions a salad. If you need an explanation on this one, you won't get it from me, but you'll find more information on it here.
• Threaten to take a leak in the boss's gas tank if he doesn't give me the afternoon off to go fishing.

Note: Cross posted on Snooze Button Dreams.

A side gig?

Do the Llama Butchers have a side gig?

For some reason I never thought they created board games.

Run away bimbo

Several people in the main stream media are asking how the Jennifer Wilbanks situation happened.

First you have to analyze the reason she ran. The investigation has shown she isn’t / wasn’t being abused, which means it's really a simple answer with two and only two possibilities.
1. She's mentally unstable and shouldn't be allowed to marry, much less reproduce.
2. She's a coward, doesn't want to be married and simply lacks the backbone to say so.

Sure that makes me a cold hearted SOB, but I'm not the basket case that planned a wedding with fourteen people on each side and then decided it was too much pressure. You can find my sympathy for her in the dictionary between shit and syphilis (my apologies for the language).

And HOW IT happened. In my opinion IT is the Main Stream media jumping the gun and deciding they'd found the next best thing since Scott and Laci Peterson. Again maybe that makes me a cold and callous SOB; but the time and energy STILL BEING wasted on this run away bride bimbo can be better spent on tracing down a child that is possibly being molested by a pedophile. To me finding a missing child is much more important than speaking to Jennifer Wilbanks’ wedding planner, but the main stream media doesn’t think so.

To solve the problem: Said bimbo’s father needs to take her behind the woodshed and whip her ass, like he should have done with his little princess years ago. Maybe then she’ll start accepting responsibly for her actions.