True Love

Because nothing says I love you like lopping off your penis.

Now that's what I've been doing wrong all these years. To think, I've been going with a simple apology and admitting that I'm an idiot.

Keeping up with Amerikkka

I appears some of the Dutch have decided to create political party even the Kennedy family wouldn't want to be part of.

Oh well, at least the ACLU will always have a home in The Netherlands.

With sooo much drama in the LBC...

MENLO PARK, California: A bunch of geeks get together for to fight in their parent's basements and are turning into "vicious street brawlers".

Of course, the more I think about it, the more I realize that watching two geeks in the fight might be as exciting as watching Melissa Theuriau and Angelina Jolie naked and wrestling in pudding*. If you took away the pudding and replaced Melissa Theriau and Angelina Jolie with eight year-old girls, except there may be more screaming, hair pulling and whining by the geeks.

The only way I could see it being interesting is if they threw and iPod in the mix, then all bets are off and we'd have a blood sport. Perhaps the geeks are just releasing all their pent up angst. Hell if you had to live in Bill Gates shadow you'd be angry too.

* If that sentence isn't google bait I don't know what is.

Elections 2008 - Idolized (The Democratic Primaries)

With the most recent "American Idol" receiving some 63 Million votes a couple of things dawned on me. First, we've reached a sad state of affairs in America when a game show draws more interest in voting than presidential elections. Secondly, perhaps we could spark some political interest if political elections were setup in a similar format. Imagine the possibilities:

Announcer: And now we have Democratic Presidential hopeful John "My wife's really a man" Kerry.

John Kerry: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and thank you America. For my first song I'd like to kick it Old School. Going back to my roots as a soldier and peace activist, I'll be singing War originally performed by Edwin Starr back in the early 70's. Sure I personally don't remember too much about the 70's, or the 80's or 90's for that matter, but when I heard the song on Xena: Warrior Princess it spoke to me on so many levels.

... John Kerry sings a rendition of War that bears an eerie resemblance to of the sounds of wombats mating...

Simon: That had to be the single most atrocious sound I've ever heard. And believe me I've heard some horrid sounds, like the time Paula and Randy were back stage having a threesome with that midget stripper who'd left my dressing room just thirty minutes prior. That's right you nasty freaks, you were getting my hand-me-downs. But back to you John, that was truly horrendous, I'm hoping some deranged fan will strangle you in the parking lot to keep me from having to endure your nasally voice ever again.

Paula: Wow, that was amazing, just beautiful, almost as beautiful as you are John. You know the name John reminds me of my days as a "working girl". I'd never understood why we called our clients John's, I never had many clients named John, I did have a couple of visits from a guy named Bill and another named Al though. Speaking of "working girls", I've never really understood why the word "working" was used, I mean really we're just doing what we really enjoy.

Simon: Damn, won't she ever shut up?

Paula: That's just a mean, mean thing to say Simon. John, you did a wonderful job, maybe a bit more work could be done, I mean I wasn't really "feeling" it. It seemed as if you weren't really into the theme. Like maybe you had been in the past, but you'd changed your mind or something.

Randy: Yo, Yo, Yo. John man, you totally rocked and by rocked I mean sucked. I was contemplating jamming this pen into my ear, but then decided that it'd be hard to get the blood outta this bad ass shirt I'm wearing, so in the end I jammed out to mah boy Kanye West's latest single, How I be taken Whitey's money and keepin' in real, on my iPod, now that's some dope rhyming. Maybe next time you could bust a rap move, show the audience how you're keeping it real with the minorities.

Announcer: Up next we have Democratic Nominee John Edwards...

Fade to black...

Tune in next week for another exciting episode of American President

Good vs. Bad

There's good naked and there's bad naked.
This would be an example of bad naked(it's safe for work).

The Semidaily Grievance

There are, and always have been, things going through my daily routine that tweak my nerves. Maybe it's the title of a news story, or some knucklehead in traffic, who knows, but I get agitated. Not enough warrant a full blown screed, but enough to make mention, every now and then. And well things around here have been lacking, at least to me they have, so maybe this is a way to spruce things up.

The first thing agitation of the day. Drunken Monkeys. Sure red wine has its benefits, but I don't see any of them. Nope, if'n I was to reap the benefits of wine consumption I've got to shell out the cash to purchase it, or crash a party or two. All the while our poo flinging cousins in the evolutionary chain who were lucky enough to land in the Budapest Zoo get boozed up free of charge.

Way I see it if an orangutan gets to slip red wine whilst deciding if he's going to put on a show, in the form of self gratification, for the onlookers, I ought get a taste, of the wine, too. I'm thinking a nice Chianti and some fava beans would be nice while we're at it.

Twelve ribs my ass (First person to name the movie that quote comes from gets a sooper dooper prize).

Battling Boredom

Seeing as Testor's Model Airplane Glue, Lead Flavored Doritos and many of my other favorite snacks aren't allowed at the new job I've been seeking out new ways to stave off boredom, you know, just a little something to break the monotony. Sure there are the old standbys of tossing pencils into the ceiling tiles or calling the president to ask if he has Prince Albert in a can, but those only work so many times (especially with caller id).

Sure I could write something to post here, but well, at five minutes of free time a clip, the posts would be too short. I'd thought about keeping a running tab of the topics that ran through my wee-little mind, but got scared about ten minutes into the exercise (I'm really starting to think Ritalin or some other ADD med may be called for).

I'd started bouncing a racket-ball off the walls of my office, but the ladies in the office next door told me I couldn't play with my balls, it didn't matter if I was in my office.

Darts made out of paperclips and tape, fired through a straw could be considered a weapon, especially when you dip the tips in ink and call it a neurotoxin.

So really, what do y'all do to battle boredom at the office?

There's a big difference between B and D

at least there is on the drink machine keypad at the office.

The lesson for today chirrens is this. Pay attention to what you're doing when you're operating the Coke machine. Otherwise you end up with pink lemonade instead of a nice refreshing Coke.

Sure pink lemonade has its virtues, and its place in the refreshing beverage line-up, but it's no Coke.

Plus, it's hard to look manly skipping down the halls sipping pink lemonade through a curly straw.

Uberhot liberal chick of the day

Not wanting to leave my lefty reader(s), all one of them, out I've decided to post a picture of the scorching red hot liberal babe of the day.

Ms Susan Estrich

Sure she's no Melissa Theuriau, but she's among the best they've got to offer.

Up next a pillow fight at the DNC Headquarters between Madam Estrich and Senator Clinton.

Mission Impossible IIIV

The theme: finding a pair of chinos / khakis for somebody, namely me. I'd never considered myself to be an anomaly, a figment in the fashion world's imagination so it seems. Apparently I am.

For the past month, ever since accepting the new job, I've been improving my wardrobe. The missus and I have been steadily replacing my trusted jeans and t-shirts with button up shirts and chinos, well we've been trying too.

Judging by the sizes available the world is dominated by short fat men, at least that's what the fasionistas would have you believe. Really, it shouldn't take two months to find a pair of brown, plain front chinos, but it did. Now had I been a couple of inches shorter and or a couple of inches rounder it wouldn't have been a problem. Over twelve stores were searched for a pair of britches with 33" / 34" measurements.

Last night I finally conceded, admitted my defeat, and bought two pairs of 34" / 34"'s.

I'm thinking of starting a weekly ritual of strapping midgets to the rack and stretching the little rascals out. Perhaps with a couple more folks 6'3" and 170lbs I'd be able to find some pants that fit.

I bet I wouldn't have this problem if Melissa Theuriau ruled the world.

Speaking of sweet, sweet Melissa she's been notably absent from this blogs fair pages for all too long.

Penance

After a couple of comments on the Standing Naked in the Rain post below I realized that I'd made an error.

I lead my faithful readers astray and underlined the word natural for emphasis, not considering they'd feverishly click away expecting it to be a link.

Not one to anger my readers, you know I'm all about appeasement right, I figured I'd offer a consolatory picture.

I've kinda missed having Ms. Melissa Theuriau around here anyhoo.

Attention in the class

Norma, who I am now dead to because of my mother's day tribute left the following comment on my post about immigration yesterday:

Well, trickle down this. Using a family with 6 children calculate the education costs in your community, and the medical costs, and figure they're not paying taxes except on consumer items. Add to that the prison costs for the gangs, the uninsured motorists, the cost of returning a couple million a year to Mexico, the cost of infectious diseases spreading that many of our doctors have never even seen. Now multiply that by about 4 or 5 million families. Yes, they cost us much more than we benefit from low wages. But even if we did benefit, why would you want a permanent underclass?

I won't bore y'all with the calculations she mentioned, the Center for Immigration Studies says immigration (note legal and illegal were combined) costs $11 billion to $22 billion per year. Close enough for government work. Pretty expensive, until you start to consider the benefits they bring our economy.

I won't go into the reduced labor rates immigrant workers are providing for construction and agricultural businesses.

How much of their pay is being poured back into the US Economy? I can't find the numbers, granted I haven't looked very hard, but I'll bet you a dollar it's more than the costs of immigration CIS mentions. Hell lets say of the eleven million illegals half of them are spending ten thousand dollars a year in our stores. Maybe I'm wrong, but I calculate it out to be $55 Billion dollars, more than double the high estimates for the costs of immigration.

Next topic. Why would I want a permanent subclass? Me, I'd personally love a utopian society, were everybody is equal and we all gather around the camp fire every night hold hands and sing kum-ba-ya, but it ain't gonna happen. Each and every society has had and will continue to have upper, middle and lower classes, you're only fooling yourself if you don't believe so. The difference is in America you don't have to stay in one class or another, check out Paris Hilton, she's as low class as they come and she has money.

To think we don't already have a "subclass" is pure idiocy. Don't believe me, go back and watch the footage flowing out of New Orleans after Katrina struck, or take a nice leisurely stroll through Compton or one of the other LA 'burbs.

Funny how the compassionate conservatives are concerned for the well being of immigrants while they aren't pushing ways to get rid of those abusing the welfare system isn't it? I'm all for bringing in immigrants to do the jobs Americans won't. At least they're willing to work, sure I'm paying to subsidize their health care and education, but at least I'm seeing some return on my investment through affordable housing and cheaper groceries and at least I'm not afraid to admit it.

Hey, hey, we're the Monkeys

And people say we monkey around.

I bet that'll teach the rest of the monkies at the zoo that you don't fling poo at the bears.

Shocked

I can't believe that Brit-Brit and Katie-bear were dropped off the list of uber-hot chicks, unless they're being moved to the MILF list.

Yes the crack is freely flowing today.

Side Note: I knew I should have bought that "Britney's having my baby" t-shirt last summer. I coulda dusted it off once again. Damn, hindsight's always 20/20 ain't it?

'scuse me whilst I lick the paint off my Coke Bottle

So that's why Coke tastes so yummy.

Really, if we aren't supposed to eat lead paint chips why do the taste so damned scrumdeliyicious

Somedays

It's days like today that make me want to smear potted meat all over my oh so masculine body and walk through the halls of work singing show tunes.

Not that it'd be very different from any other day, except for the show tunes bit, 'cause normally I belt out stunning renditions from the Day's Top 40 list.

Standing naked in the rain

It's really amazing the things you'll see when you aren't trapped in a cave all day.

For the first time in years while I was at work I watched the rain and all the idiosyncrasies that come with it. It's been raining off and on here for the better part of two days. Amazing stuff really.

Cars and sidewalks have had their dusty yellow coating washed away, granted a new beginning.

The grass seems greener, encouraged by the subtle nutrients mother nature has provided to put on a show for all to see.

Between the breaks in the clouds the sky is bluer. Breathing fresh life into what moments ago a dim gray world.

And the cute natural blond, who never learned from her parents or friends that when you're caught in the rain wearing a clingy white sundress you'd best have a bra and undies on, she's been to the tanning bed and the gym. But who can fault her? She's probably heading to the beach, as so many of the locals here do, for the summer, or at least for a week between spring and summer semesters.

Man I love the rain.

Peaches

For the second time in as many weeks I've heard someone claim that illegal immigrants are costing us more than they're bringing into our economy. That the burden they're putting on our health care and judicial systems outweigh any benefits they're providing to our economy.

I just can't and don't buy it. The impact of their reduced labor trickles though every facet of our economy, from the fruits and vegetables we're buying to the homes we're living in. Labor by an immigrant, probably illegal, had something to do with bringing the cheap produce to your table and building the roof over that table. How anybody can say these costs are less than the health care and services our government is providing is beyond me.

Think just for a minute of the effects that deporting every immigrant would have on our economy. Costs of produce would triple or quadruple, if fresh fruits and vegetables were available and not rotting in the fields. The cost of new homes would sky rocket, some people I've talked could easily see the cost doubling, if it didn't triple. So as the costs of essential goods and services start to increase at a exponential rate our pay, for those of us lucky enough to stay employed, will stay relatively the same. You think the stories, that's all they really are any more isn't it, of the Great Depression were rough the economists I've talked to say this wouldn't even compare.

President Bush and his staff seem to understand the effects, and they're being crucified for it.

I don't feel amnesty is the answer, but I think it's a far better alternative to firing up the cattle cars and going along with mass deportation.

I've heard several people call for the documentation of guest workers. Make sure they've got their papers signed and that they're here legally and contributing to the social services they're receiving by paying taxes. There's a problem with this mindset. Depending on their "native" country there's a pretty good chance that their income taxes won't go to our government, but to the coffers that line their government's pockets. Why do you think so many actors, actresses and other multimillionaires have claimed dual (primary) residency in countries without an income tax?

With the processes, laws and treaties currently in place documenting the illegals roaming our countryside will increase our "Manuel" labor costs by at least 30% (a combination of the employee and employer contributions to the tax system). Now ole Manuel can't get by on a 20 -30% pay cut, so he'll either duck the system (like he's currently doing) or he'll find some where willing to cover his salary demands. This pay raise will will inevitably be passed on to us the consumers. I'm not sure about the rest of you, but I sure as hell can't afford a 30% POST tax pay cut.

I'm not saying things shouldn't be changed, they should. I'm just not sure how to go about it. Perhaps we need to rework the treaties or create a guest worker program with reduced contributions for the employer and employee. There isn't a need for the worker to pay into a retirement system they won't be benefiting from and with increased tracking / documentation of immigrants we can ensure that they aren't able to abuse the system.

The only thing I'm sure of sweeping changes to our immigration and border security issues are required. These problems didn't pop up over night and expecting several thousand troops patrolling the border to solve the problem is wishful thinking at best. The troops, since they won't have any official law enforcement capabilities, could be better utilized in Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, where we still haven't recovered from the 2005 hurricane season. If they want to send folks to the border, increase the immigration department's budget and hire more people with the authority to do something and put them on the border.

Placing ten-thousand National Guardsmen on the border to sit by and watch, since they don't and won't have law enforcement capabilities, is a waste to tax dollars and asinine. These folks would be better of sitting at home, at least then we wouldn't have to be concerned for their well being and the extra strain it's placing on their families.

Nothing we do, short of digging a moat or building the next great wall (that we'll tear down in twenty years), will have an affect on the influx of immigrants until some type of arrangement is made with the companies hiring them. Whether it's enforcing our current laws or stiffening the penalties we're sure to fail if we follow the current trend of non-compliance. It's the old "if you build it they will come" adage in full effect. As long as employers are willing to hire illegal aliens with little or no retaliation from out government for their misdeeds we'll continue to have an influx of illegals, especially when they receive pay that is equal to or greater than a weeks pay for just a couple hours of work.

We need real reform and change. I'd like to think our elected officials would have learned from their $100 gas refund stunt and realize that the American public isn't easily fooled. Regretfully, with people applauding purely symbolic actions as a "great start", the phinlet's generation will still be dealing with the problem of illegal immigration. Me I like my cheap fruits, cheap vegetables and I like my affordable housing. I'd also like to be free from the threats that a porous border brings with it. If you're going to combine the two issues nothing short of world domination there isn't simple, unmessy, solution. By separating the two, deal first with border security, then with immigration reform, as two separate issues, then we might be able to get something done.
I'm interested to hear what President Bush has to say tonight. Perhaps he'll find a way to convince the extremists on both sides of the issue, that refuse to see a middle ground, that there is a better way. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

In any event let's hope he doesn't go screwing with the cost of peaches.

A mother's day tribue

Seeing how its mother's day I figured I'd say thanks to my dear mother, who reads this blog on occasion, and let her know that I greatly appreciate everything she's done for me over the years. Most notably choosing not to prematurely ending my time here on earth though the process of a retro-active abortion, even when I truly deserved, and for not selling me off to a band of gypsies even though semi-healthy white babies draw a pretty good price on the black market.

I'd also like to thank the missus, for carrying the phinlet for almost ten months and also not prematurely ending my time here on earth with what the courts would have probably deemed a justifiable homicide. She's truly one of the most amazing women I've ever met and the ordeal that was the phinlet's hatching only solidified this opinion.

Thanks also to the moms out there that offered words of encouragement and praise over the past eleven months. The advice you've given hasn't fallen on deaf ears and is greatly appreciated.

Finally I'd like to personally thank three mothers I've never met and probably never will.

First to the mother of the chicks wearing juicy shorts and bikini tops in the Jeep on Memorial Boulevard yesterday, the world, or at least the older men gawking as they rode by, will forever be grateful to you.

Second to the mother of the chick developing digital pictures at Sam's Club yesterday afternoon. You'll never know the light that your collage aged daughter brought into my life yesterday while she was wearing a mini-skirt and tank top that were made of less material than my t-shirt is. Not to mention the pictures of her drunken friends groping each other and flashing the camera. Warmed my soul she did.

If any of you three young ladies happen to, by chance, stumble upon this blog, please personally thank your mothers for me.

Happy mother's day y'all!

Most important lesson I've ever learned

Now it's no secrit among my friends and family that I was a tad bit of a hellion in high school and the first few years of college. In many situations, well I just wasn't a nice person.

Over the past few days I've met quite a few of people also employed by sooper seekrit Company X. Some of the faces looked familiar, and then I realized that I went to school with some of them. Luckily we ran in different circles and I don't recall ever pissing them off, which I had a knack for back in the day.

This of course got me to thinking one of the many valuable lessons that my dad has taught me over the years. That lesson of course being: Be careful whose toes you step on today, as they may very well be connected to the ass you're kissing tomorrow. Words to live by folks.

Goin' with the GIMP

Get your mind out of the gutter, not that type of gimp, the GIMP. I've downloaded and installed it, next up the tinkering stage.

Over the years I've found that Open Source software, such as the GIMP, Open Office and Linux, often times outperform their pay-per-view counter parts. We'll see if GIMP rises to the challenge. I've been using PhotoShop for years, from about version 3 on, so it's bound to take some adjustment. With the cost of PhotoShop and Paint Shop pro doing nothing but increasing well it's about time I start toying with their open source competitors.

Hopefully in a couple of weeks you'll see a new and improved layout here, with a Graphics by the GIMP logo attached. Otherwise, well I'll just have to concede defeat and proclaim my loyalty to Adobe.

Tasty Treats

So what's worse than finding a finger in your hamburger?

Finding a Jamaican in your Rum.

Dirty Underwear Continued

Of all the reasons the missus has to bludgeon me to death I never really assumed it would be because I'd simply offered to help out. I guess as the old saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished, and neither shall I.

As you may have read in an earlier post the missus hosted a dirty underwear lingerie shower for the middle-sister-in-law this past weekend. Not wanting her, or the future brother-in-law (my fellow outlaw), to miss out on anything I made a several suggestions. See he's walking into this blind, only one or two of his friends are married so I've taken it upon myself to edumakate him on way to ensure happiness in marriage. There are things, at least a couple, that if the missus and I had to do over again we'd do differently. The first thing that popped into my mind was the "Lingerie Book".

Now I'm not sure if y'all know what a Lingerie Book is so I'll 'splain it. After the dirty underwear lingerie shower the bride to be books a day at the photographer's studio and he being a fellow pervert professional photographer snaps pictures to immortalize the moment and arranges them in a book for the new husband. Something to keep him warm at night when he's sleeping on the couch. It's a gift that keeps on giving, kinda like herpes.

Now the middle-sister-in-law is kind of shy and bashful so she didn't want some ole pervo snapping shots of her when she's all dolled up in her lacies. Everybody knows you don't want some stranger drooling over you, well most of us, when you're scantily clad and there's the stranger taking photographs, that's how folks find themselves in "compromising" positions on the Interwebs. So I offered to help, you know, making a personal sacrifice just so the young couple wouldn't miss out on anything the missus and I had missed out on.

Yep, I came up with the perfect solution, but the missus gunned it down. She didn't even take it into consideration. My suggestion, was not to have a stranger snap the shots, but to let me take the pictures. We've got a pretty nice camera and PhotoShop for the touch-ups, what else could they need?

But no, at the first mention of this brilliant plan the missus gave me a nasty look and let me know there was no way I'd be taking those photographs, hell I may be turned into a Eunich for suggesting it. I was crushed, actually devastated would be a better description, all I wanted to do was lend a helping hand, but no, she viewed it as some half-baked ill-thought out scheme so I could check out her sister in skimpy undies.

Really folks, do I strike y'all as the kind of person that would do something like that?

Here I am trying to lend a helping hand and I get smacked down. It's not like I keep a library of scantily clad women on my machine so I can ogle over them at any given time (I've got to wait until the missus isn't looking over my shoulder).

Of course if'n y'all want to send me those special pictures you've got stored away for, um backup purposes, you know in case something happens to your computer, that's just one of the many services I'd be glad to offer. It's not like I'd add them to that non-existent library or anything. Really, I wouldn't, you can trust me, of course you can trust me, honest.

Happy Birthday

Whilst I'm on the topic of skimpy coverings for women. The bikini turns sixty this year.

So on behalf of generations of men everywhere I extend our most sincere gratitude to Mr. Louis Reard. Mayhaps in another sixty years a Frenchman will do something else worthwhile.

Dirty Underwear

This past weekend the phinlet and I had to evacuate, well it was only Sunday afternoon, but an evacuation was in full effect. The missus, the mother-in-law and the youngest sister-in-law were hosting a Lingerie Shower for the middle sister-in-law, and well, that's just no place for a man to be. Nope, I'll pass on hearing a bunch of women cackle over dirty-drawers any day.

This of course got me to thinking, which as y'all know is always dangerous. There are several I don't understand about this deal. Why devote an entire "shower" to lingerie? Really, why?

It's not like her friends are going give the fun stuff, like leather or perhaps a complete gimp outfit. No they're going with the "pretty" stuff, satin, silk and lace, you know the drill. The standard fare from Victoria's Secretes.

Then there's the logical and analytical side of me that says why not get them something useful. Like a blender or a crock-pot or a vacuum, not something that's going to get worn a few of times for a couple of minutes.

Then I get overly logical and analytical and start to wonder why the hell women wear lingerie at all. Most men, especially newly weds, don't need a whole lot of convincing to hop into the sack at a moments notice. Now women, as we all know, need a bit more convincing and for some reason I'm thinking dirty, once white, tighty-whities aren't really that much of a turn on.

So why aren't they having lingerie showers for men? With all the misconceptions that most men have going into married life the least that could be done is to send the poor sap off with clean underwear. Of course the convenient yellow in the front & brown in the back markers may make dressing a bit complex for the first few weeks, but they'll be rectified quickly.

A change folks, that's what we need, a change in the way things are done. Hell the least the ole hens could do is bring a pair or two of boxers with them for the groom. Then he won't have to go commando for a couple of weeks after his new bride dons a hazmat suit and tosses his seasoned undies in the garbage to make room for her socks.