Sending Torture Awareness Month Out With A Bang
Since it's the last day of Torture Awareness Month tomorrow we can sweep it back under the rug and out of site once again.*
Ear worms, you know the catch tune you hear first thing in the morning that says with you all day.
Take me out to the ball game
Then there's ass crack, and it's blatant display. Why, why, why do parents insist on buying their kids clothes that are either too damned small or falling off their asses? Remember their are to blame parents, they're writing the check, so slap them, or perhaps a weggie is in order.
take me out to the crowd
I haven't seen a twelve year old with a job since my trip to China town to buy factory discount Nike's, man can those little bastards sew and talk about work ethic, kids these days could learn a thing or two from them. Twelve to fourteen hour days with only a lunch and occasional potty break, talk about productivity. Reminds me, I need some new Rockports a road trip may be in order.
buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks
Why is there a direct correlation between the size of a chic and the amount of crack she's decided to show? Its as if the fashionistas have decided they're going to use the same amount of fabric in all the clothes they make. With this principle in place as the waste expands in with it decreases in height, thus the ass crack phenomena. There, I've solved one of the great wonders of the world.
I don't care if I never get back
While I'm dogging fat chics, why are they the first one's headed to an elevator or escalator. I promise bessie a little bit of physical exercise ain't gonna harm you, hell you may even walk off the three bacon, egg and cheese biscuits you ate for breakfast.
Let me root, root, root for the home team
Heh, he said root. Root's a great word, with lots of uses, lots of meanings. Some clean, some not so clean. I'll let you decide what uses the song's referring too. Just remember I am root, you should feel privileged, you just got a preview of my wallpaper.
If they don't win it's a shame.
Speaking of shame, I should probably be ashamed of myself for writing this. But really I'm not. I do feel kind of sad though. See it's got to be pure torture you having read this far and really I haven't said squat.
For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out
Hey, me too. I'm outta here. Ever get the urge to go walk-about? Just grab your gear and head out the door? Me too. But it ain't happening this weekend. I'm headed to away with the missus, the phinlet and outlaws in-laws. Y'all have fun, I won't. Well I guess I will.
At the old ball game.
If you've got keys to the phish bowl feel free to use'em (think all pudding wrestling all the time), just keep it PG-13 my mom reads this drivel on occasion. Wait, that don't sound right, Mom's at least ten years over fifteen, but she don't look it.
Y'all have a safe and happy Independence Day.
Remember to say thanks to those who put their lives on the line so you could be independent.
* Regretfully not hippies were harmed in the writing of this message.
Maybe it's religeous after all
Woman says her Pastor forced her to have sex for spiritual reasons.
Maybe, just maybe, all those times you've be screaming "Oh, God" during the throws of passion it was a religious experience after all.
phin's blog: All Torture All the Time
Really if our creator, no matter who you believe in Allah, Buddha, Mr. Hanky, was against torture she'd have never come up with the concept of synchronized menstrual cycles.
Really stop and think about it. You take a group of semi-sane women, with "cycles" that are spaced out so you've only got to deal with so much crazy at any particular point in time, move them into a centralized location and a metamorphosis takes place. The heavens start to shift, the moon comes into perfect alignment and you'd damn well put the toilet seat down mister, 'cause if her dainty little ass gets wet (like it'll ever fit) you'll find your 'nads on the receiving end of a mouse trap.
It is men with multiple daughters that I feel for. Often times these men are the only source of testosterone in their household and eventually the henpecking can become too great for even the strongest willed men. Broken and battered they can only hope that one day some poor unsuspecting bastard lucky guy will marry his daughter and be rid of one set of raging hormones once and for all they'll live happily ever after.
So don't anybody try to feed me this peace on earth good will to men crap, I ain't buying it.
Now if you need me the great equalizer (aka the phinlet) and I will be in hiding until he comes of age and can strike down hormonal women tyranny with a great vengeance.
Torture Awareness Month Continued
Just remember kids, torture is no laughing matter.
Unless you're torturing a clown.
I don't know about you but I've found the ol' hand-buzzer to the nipple is an extremely effective tactic.
Global Warming
Earth likely hottest in 2,000 years.
It still isn't as hot as where Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is. Just think you too could have 72 virgins as hot as Helen Thomas.
H/T: Allah
Torture Awareness Month
Dan Riehl tips us off that it's Torture Awareness Month.
Since I recently freed the gimp I had locked in my basement and the asian girl I keep locked under the bed hasn't been very lively as of late (not to self improve ventilation prior to arrival of next "guest") I figured I'd celebrate by smacking a sack full of puppies with a rubber hose, tossing a gym bag full of kittens into the river and plucking the feathers from a few parakeets.
How are y'all planning to celebrate?
Update: In the comments good ol' elendil is hell bent on killing kittens.
Well elendil I'm pretty sure there's at least one pet cemetery with your name on it. Oh yeah, I almost forgot about flogging the dolphin, if you know what I mean and I'm sure you to, while I'm at the beach next weekend.
Today's riddle
See that bandwagon? I'm fixin' to jump right on it...
Besides a great climate, great health care, tons of cheap (read illegal) labor and a great educational system what does North Carolina have that Canada doesn't?
Note: I've never claimed to be a gracious winner.
Some things are sacred
'tis a dark, dark day indeed.
Women, especially the woman driving the red Suburban that cut me off earlier today, having driver’s licenses is proof that America is in a downward spiral. Don't get me started on how them, women, being allowed to vote and work is detrimental to our society. 
Sure the extra pay check is nice, but I've actually had to cook dinner at least twice in the five years I've been married, and that just ain't right.
It started with Lesbians Playing Golf Adequately (the LPGA). In the name of "equal rights" (and to keep men from being nagged to death) golf courses world-wide had to setup ladies' tees and have setup locker rooms for the ladies as well. Don't even get me started on the cute Hawian chick, Michelle Wie (who is far from being legal you pervs), trying to play her way into the PGA, it just ain't right, it just ain't fittin'.
No there's something much more near and dear to this Southerner's heart, fishing and this article pretty much sums up why women like those featured shouldn't be allowed near a boat much less on it, unless they're hot and topless. Hell, I bet they can't even clean the catch, much less bait a hook.
Mimosas??? What the hell. Everybody knows the preferred adult beverage on fishing trips is beer. Now I'm sure some of you are wondering why beer. Simple, because it can be stored in the same cooler as the bait and you don't waste space carrying all that extra crap on board.
Lengthy fishing trips should start with mimosas.
The article only gets worse from there when they throw around phrases like:
...Armani-style fishing......the Martha Stewart of fishing, "without the whole prison thing," and aims to revolutionize the sport by catering to women with sophisticated tastes...
...a line of pink fishing nets, lures, hats, boots and other items...
...They became so excited, they even started a fishing cheer -- "F-i, f-i-s-h, f-i-s-h-i-n-g, fishing, fishing!"...
Like a swift kick to the 'nads, it’s almost enough to make a grown man curl up in the fetal position and cry. Don't women understand that some things are sacred and shouldn't be toyed with?
If you need me I'll be hiding from the missus.
Wrong again
Update on my previous post. It looks like the Communist New Network (CNN) got it wrong. Agent Bedhead sent the link notifying me that her man candy (Matty McConaughey) is on the list.
Great, just great. Now nothing makes sense at all. Sure we all knew CBS was full of crap, but CNN? They've always been reliable, trustworthy and accurate.
See y'all later I'm headed back to my padded room to bounce off the walls 'til the world makes sense again.
Headline Nooz
Since nothing really tickles the old fancy today I figured I'd run through the nooz headlines.
The courts have upheld the conviction of Gary Glitter, the British pedophile rocker with a thing for underage girls, for playing show and don't tell with several young girls at a seaside villa. He claims he was teaching them English, funny of all the euphemisms for sex I've never heard it called that before. Oh well, it looks like Old Gary gets a to spend several years in the pokey where he'll undoubtedly make several new friends who will be more than willing to teach him about going Greek. Hey Gary, when you meet Ben Dover opt for the KY without sand.
Man does it stink in here, who farted?
On the upside. Kate Moss will not be charged for trying to snort the entire countryside of England. Seems after getting their information from a Tabloid the police couldn't find enough supporting evidence to make the charges stick. Here I was thinking tabloids were the way to go. Oh well I guess I'd best cancel my subscription to the Enquirer, maybe not, I'd like to know how that whole story about the baby that was born a couple of weeks back with three testicles, four arms and a head shaped like a donkey. I hear he bears a striking resemblance to John Kerry. I of course blame Global Warming.
Man it really reeks in here. I'm thinking it somebody sharted. So far nobody's claimed it. Man the old wet farts suck, but they could at least have the decency to leave the room, 'specially since people are starting to gag.
Poor Brit Brit, she's on an emotional roller coaster. She admitted to being an "emotional wreck" on NBC's Today show. Gee, that's a surprise. Bit-Brit's never been noted to be the poster girl for mental stability has she? Sure she's better off than Angelina Jolie, but who isn't? Oh, she's blaming the pregnancy and the hormones, that's a big surprise. I'd always though pregnant women were a bastion of hormonal stability. I don't get it. Nothing makes sense, nothing. Up is down. Black is white. Right is wrong. Oh, look a happy pill. There that's better. The guy in the white jacket is super nice and always on time with the meds.
Nobody's claimed the shart yet. I'm thinking it's the goofing looking guy gnawing on a bag of Cheetos and banging away on the keyboard one handed. Wonder where is other hand..., never mind, his crotch is orange. He musta found that Midgets with Attitude site I bookmarked the other day. Wait, that's my reflection in the mirror. The mystery continues.
Finally a victory for the masses. Colorado Springs city council voted and overturned a law that was banning pigs inside the city limits. The basis of her argument: Her husband is a lot more messy, isn't nearly as cute and farts three times more than the piglet does. The city council then adjourned the meeting so they could get to Bubba's Barbecue Shack in time for the Pig Pickin'.
Somebody crack a window, spray something, anything, just get the damn rancid smell out of here. I'm pretty sure the culprit is the cute little blond across the isle. She looks pretty angry, like her panties are all knotted up or wet from where she sharted. Damned women, for some reason the have an uncanny ability to sneak out a fart that'll gag a maggot. But this time it bit her on the ass, kind of.
Oh, here's a surprise. Al-Qaida sought to start a war between the U.S. and Iran. Really, did they even need to print this? It's like saying Teddy Kennedy had too much to drink last night or Micheal Moore shut down another "All-You-Can-Eat" Chinese Buffet. Now if they'd found evidence that any of this had been false, well that'd be Pulitzer material.
And now for the battle Foreskin. Mom wants him cut. Dad doesn't. The child's mother wants him circumcised to prevent recurring, painful inflammation she says he's experienced during the past year. Here's a thought. How about teach junior the proper way to use soap and a wash cloth. Smegma bad. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Circumcision: You're either Foreskin or against it.
Well the cute blond is leaving. Perhaps my "come to phinny" look doesn't work so well after all. Good news though is the stench is dying down a bit. Really folks. If you don't learn anything else today just remember you an never trust a fart.
People Magazine has named it's Hottest Bachelors. Apparently sexual oreintation wasn't a factor as Taylor Hicks is the top pick. Expect to hear Agent Bedhead's angst filled screams when she sees Matthew McConaughey didn't make the list.
Why is it men fart and women "poot"? 'tis a double standard that should be done away with. There wasn't a damned thing dainty about the gaseous expulsion from that little blond and it left a good number of us gasping for air. Of course maybe it wasn't her, but that wouldn't explain the look of rage she was walking around with, unless she's frustrated, maybe I should send her that Pudding Wresting Midgets site I found the other day.
Well that about does it for me.
The happy pill is kicking in and the voices are quieting down.
Tryin' to reason with Hurricane Season
As Tropical Depression Alberto, the first named storm of the Atlantic Hurricane season, makes it's way across my fair state today the squalls associated with it serve as a grim reminder of storms past and offer a scary outlook into what mother nature may have in store for us this year. It's June 14th, only fourteen days into the season and King George has already fired up his evil weather machine in hopes of white-washing the Southeast. Never before has any administration taken stance on ethnic cleansing and yet the Chimperor hasn't been impeached, yet being the operative word, there's still hope.
When, when I ask will the Rethuglican party wake up and realize that the Glaciers are melting and King George is creating hurricanes to kill the poor defenseless folks who've sought refuge in multi-million dollar homes along the eastern seaboard and the Atlantic Coast's waterways. Why Mr. President are you so hell bent on whipping out your evil devices to torment us? Why must you send the wind and rain and lightening, we know all to well that you're in control and have been pleading endlessly for your mercy over the past several years.
When will the NeoCons of Amerikkka wake up and realize that the coastal inhabitants of Corolla, Duck, Nags Head and countless other seaside resort towns are just trying to get by.
Many of these residents are forced to spend their summers in homes with sometimes only five bedrooms, three bathrooms and only two large screen plasma tee vee's. Many of the cable companies, obviously under Bushitler's control, have abandoned these areas and the residents are forced to subscribe to DirectTV or Dish Network. These poor people are dependant upon locals and college students to provide support services for them, bringing them meals in upscale restaurants, to deliver their organic fruits and vegetables, to clean their homes and yet they are being overlooked on a daily basis. They're crying out for help, but they're being overlooked.
How long can Amerikkka continue this trend of ignoring a subset of our population that so obviously in need? How long will we sit idly by waiting and watching as our fellow statesmen battle with the plague of Global Warming that Chimperor Bush and KKKarl Rove have brought upon us?
This the end...
As the old saying goes all good things must come to an end.
I've been in meetings the past two days and the drive to the meeting location is about an hour. So with the down time in the meetings and the drive I've been given way too much time to think. The inner working of my mind is a pretty scary place and if I'm not preoccupied bad things can happen.
Really, when's the right time to pull the plug? Do you go out while you're still on top of your game in some dramatic fashion? Do you hold on to past glory exploiting every last bit of talent and name recognition you have?
Or when the meetings have finally bored you into action do you: a) Jam a pencil into your neck hoping you hit the jugular or b) fashion a noose from your tie and hang yourself from a desk drawer?
Me I'll probably go for the slow option c) which is to over indulge on Cheetos and Mountain Dew.
I'm not gay...
...but my boyfriend is.
Apparently Madam Sadie outted me in her interview with basil. Who knew the phrase "gay boyfriends" could wield so much power.
Well if prancing about in Stilettos and Fishnets as Judy Garland blares on my iPod while I'm waxing my eyebrows makes me gay feel free to slap me on the ass and call me Francis.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's back to the ab machine.
You don't get moves like those over night.
Image stolen from Mr. Atoz at Agent Bedhead.com.
Imagery
Ah yes, the joys of summer, aka swimsuit season, and after Eva Longoria wore her swimsuit to the VMA'a a while back the fashionistas have decided it's time to dress up the ladies beach wear.
Now I'm all for it, in some cases. As an appreciator of the female form nothing brings light to my pitted black shriveled up heart like attractive women in skimpy clothing. So naturally I was giddy when Fox had images to go along with their article.
Boy howdy was I in for some disappointment.
Nothing, these chicks, except for Eva, brought nothing to the table. Nothing in the front, nothing in the rear, nothing. If I wanted to look at chicks with no boobs who'd overdosed on that new miracle drug, noassatall, I'd don one of the wife's swimsuits and prance around in front of a mirror.
So I clicked away from the article disappointed and sad. Sad because J. Crew and the rest of the fashionistas aren't paying their models enough so they can eat. Perhaps a "Buy a Model a Sandwich" charity event should be planned, but right now I'm just too lazy dejected to do so.
If that wasn't enough imagery for you, you can always take a peek at Margaret Cho naked. Having anything to do with the Ms? Exotic World Pageant when Margaret Cho is on the list of people attending just got added to my not so much list. (It's easier than have a thing's I'll do list).
And the search goes on
From the land of Oz, Australian scientists are searching for the worlds ugliest sheep. Apparently somebody is lonely, very lonely and the Love Ewe just ain't cutting it anymore.
I wonder if Australian sheep herders wear kilts too?
Asinine
As I was riding to work this morning I heard that Barry Bonds is receiving death threats that include racial slurs because he is about to break Hank Aaron's career home runs record.
Which you know if you slam your head against the wall long enough and to damned severe brain damage will make perfect sense. Really with everything else going on the world we can ill afford to have that colored boy break our negro's record.
Night Fever, Night Fever
I don't care what the critics say this guy doesn't hold a candle to the daily dancer.
Upon further review, I guess he does.
Of evil and idiots
Apparently these guys haven't talked to Doktor Evil about vaporizing a planet.
Gary Peterson of San Diego State University, the strength of the gravitational field that Mars's mass creates would render even this colossal effort a failure. "You could have the biggest explosion possible, one that would tear the planet apart, but the pieces of rock would just clump right back together again"
Just wait until these guys get a look-see at what my "laser" can do. It's mounted on a satellite I like to call a "Death Star"
"Why must i be surrounded by fricken idiots?"*
While we're on the subject of evil and idiots.
Google's co-founder Sergey Brin admitted that google had "compromised its principles by accommodating Chinese censorship demands". Because in his, and his investors, eyes, censored and altered googlishous fun is better than no googlishous fun at all.
Maybe Google is just trying to transition us into a time when we can all gather around the campfire, sing happy feel good songs and wash away the world's troubles with a group hug. I mean what else could you expect from a company with a corporate motto of don't be evil.
Maybe he should tell this to people butchered in Tianamen Square. Forget about the Tanks, there were never any tanks in Tianamen Square¹.
Whist we're burning the conspiracy theory candles. When you run the g-mail spell check it suggest Cinnamon as an alternative to Tianamen. Damned commies are trying to erase it all together. Maybe they just want it to smell pretty too.
On to Google's technological advancement front. If you're ready to work with ten year old technology Google has just the spreadsheet for you. If you're looking for a replacement for Microsoft's Office Suite Open Office is way ahead of the other MS Orifice competitors.
1) Inspiration from INDC Bill's post.
Gimmie some credit
'tis that time of year again, where I start reviewing credit reports, financial statements, etc...
If you haven't pulled your credit report in the last year there's something you may want to check out and best of all it's free. You're entitled to a free copy of your credit report from the three major companies, no strings attached or crazy forms to fill out either. To get your reports, simply go to AnnualCreditReport.com. At the rates identity thieves are multiplying you need to pull your credit reports at a bare minimum of once a year.
Just a friendly reminder from your ole pal phin.
The replacements
In 2011 the housewife will be obsolete according to a recent article on Popular Science's web site.
Not so long ago, chemical engineers discovered how to use titanium dioxide to keep buildings free of discoloring pollution. Landmarks such as the virgin-white Dives in Misericordia Church in Rome and the Marunouchi Building in Tokyo were among the first to be coated with the semiconductor, which breaks down organic molecules—including those in grime and pollution—when exposed to light and water and then releases them into the air. Soon after, TiO2-based self-cleaning products, like SunClean windows from PPG Industries, hit the home market.
Imagine, if you will, a life with all the cleaning and none of the nagging. No longer shall we mere husbands be trapped while we wait or even worse beg and plead for the little lady to prepare our thrown room.
to bring the technology inside the home, where it could eliminate the need for hours of tedious housework every week, researchers must overcome a major limitation: The technology currently responds only to ultraviolet light from the sun. Enter materials engineer Michael Cortie and his colleagues at the Institute for Nanoscale Technology in Sydney, Australia, who are working to perfect a coating that can respond to the visible spectrum—that is, the lightbulb hanging from your bathroom ceiling. So long, toilet brush.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it's growing brighter by the day, thanks to the work of a few dedicated men. Perhaps a rewrite of John Lennon's imagine is in order:
Imagine there's no mildew
It's easy if you try
No gunk and grime below us
Above us only a sparking sky
Imagine all the people
Not living in constant fear of slipping and falling in the shower because the missus missed a spot while cleaning...
Imagine there's no odor
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to scrub or spray for
And no smegma too
Imagine all the people
Living life sanitary...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as clean as if a man had the free time to do the job right himself
Imagine no stench
I wonder if you can
No need for spray or scrubby brushes
A brotherhood of women
Imagine all the people
Finally getting a home cooked meal without the old lading bitching about having to clean the bathrooms...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
The ups and downs of a free market society
The downside: Thailand has a shortage of yellow shirts.
The upside: the market for well worn tighty, previously, whiteys is one the rise. Teenaged boys everywhere 'ought cashing in, hopefullly they'll remember to ship their goods with the simple instructions: Yellow in the front, brown in the back.
