The Llamas need help

Never one to turn down a request for link whoring assistance I find it necessary I link to this post from the Llama Butchers.

I'm just hoping the Llamas have all their shots prior to climbing on top of Wonkette. By the way, the red glow of her eyes is really scary; I wouldn't be surprised if she were blending kittens.

When the past isn't

Its doomsday Tuesday which means it's time to cover another topic with the Men's Club and Demystifying Divas, this week's topic: Full disclosure of sexual background.

I guess I could be considered fairly old fashioned on this topic since I kind of like to know a woman's history prior to hoping into the sack with her. It's not that I want a list of references with various acts performed and do's / don'ts (although the do's and don'ts might be helpful), oh what the hell am I babbling about I'm married and I'd me neutered were I to even think twice about running around on my wife.

The amount of disclosure and the details (who, what, when how many times, were there farm animals and pudding involved) will be determined by the situation, what type of relationship you're having and what the person can handle. It will also depend on the amount of respect you have for the person your in a relationship with. In an ideal world it would matter not the number of sexual conquests a person had endured so long as they were disease free. The past is and should remain in the past, but often time our past isn't left behind and must be explained. Our mistakes and experiences build the character that whomever we're seeing is interested in, however often times people are discouraged when their version of the fairy tale doesn't meet real life experiences.

It's a simple fact that some people can handle information others can't. In college I knew guys who wanted to know their girlfriend's entire past. Then once they'd heard it, if it wasn't what they'd baked up in their ideological little world they couldn't deal with it. It made them act like a jealous ass while out in public or the pedestal they had placed her on came crashing down and the relationship started to wither away. Was it right, nope, she was still the same person prior to disclosing that information.

There is always a time and place for everything, full discloser included.

If it's a one night stand after drinking heavily at the bar in Tijuana there probably won't be too much chatting about prior history, just be sure to wear a protective coat of armor. 40% of people who know they are HIV+ do not tell their partners (Information from Trojan® Condoms Web Site). And for something else that Ajax won't take off, 1 in 5 people (20%) over the age of 12 have some form of herpes. Hmm, maybe it would be good to have a conversation prior to hoping in the sack with somebody.

The Minister of Propaganda and the Wizard do a better job of explaining when its time to disclose various bits of information. I was working on a list but got distracted when somebody started throwing gummie bears and talking about her undies and talking politics.

Christina is right on target, as usual, when she says there are bits of information that we should know prior to proceeding very far in a relationship. She calls it interrogation within the guise of polite conversation. I call it a smart move. Especially for a woman, there are too many weirdos out there. Not that all people convicted of criminal behavior will be forthcoming with their past, but hopefully you can learn enough to run like hell. Silk continues the discussion with information you should disclose prior to disclothing.

There are times however that discloser isn't a good idea and may actually be detrimental to your health. For example, say you talk your girlfriend to trying something new, when you've finished up you shouldn't tell her it was okay and that her best friend was better. Or on your honeymoon, you shouldn't say: "You know your little sister and I did this thing the other night I think you'd enjoy, maybe we could get her to join us". And never tell her that after a couple years of practice she might be as good in the sack as her mom is.

sadie offers advice on how to recover if you're ever cornered with questions about how your current flame compares to an ex. I'm pretty sure she documented the correct responses for my benefit.

Kathy reminds me of one of the reasons I like being married, the hard parts over with, no more secrets. Except that trip to the Bunny Ranch (Not work safe) a couple of years back.

Moogie is guest posting with the divas this week.

Stigmata is still gallivanting across Europe, and shall post when able.

A Jawa Exclusive

The Jawa Report has an exclusive report on an arrest warrant issued for former hostage and American citizen, Mohammed Monaf.

Late last week Romanian prosecutors issued an arrest warrant for Monaf's arrest on suspicion that he was involved in the kidnapping of the three prominent Romanian journalists.

You can read the full story here.

Back to normal

Well things are finally back to normal (if you can call it that) around here.

I've made quite a few changes to the layout and how things are being handled in the template, so if you notice anything screwy please let me know.

Memorial Day

Tributes:
BlackFive has links with how you can care for the defenders.
Confederate Yankee talks of Flander's Field.
Jarhead from Red State Rant asks us to Please remember what this national holiday is actually about.
Mudville Gazette says to celebrate and remember those who gave their all for their country.
Powerline has a moving photo.
Straight White Guy explains who should be remembered.

The LLama Butchers remind us.
Vince Aut Morire already wrote the post I was thinking about.

Bloggers in Boot Camp:
Tea Fizz
Oh-Dark-Thirty

Mil-Blogs:
Mustang 23
BlackFive

Veterans:
Bad Example
basil's blog
Red State Rant
Straight White Guy

Please take the time this Memorial Day to return thanks for those who made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure our way of life. While remembering them, also say thanks to those in boot camp, the reserves, the active military and our veterans. And do not fail to remember those who sacrificed their loved ones for our way of life.

The world is a better place because of them.

Thank you.

*** This is a partial list (that my feeble mind could come up with) that I wanted to thank if I've missed anybody it wasn't intentional and please let me know in the comments if there is somebody you would like added to the list.

Tarheel Tavern

This week's edition of the Tarheel Tavern is up.

Don't tell basil

psst. y'all don't tell basil, but I'm the 14 year old girl he was chatting with the other night.

He's BAAAACK!

I should have known it would be hard to keep a good fish down for long. He's back and boy howdy is he pissed. Seems he doesn't take to kindly to being swatted at by those damned cats, much less their decision to try and remove him from his rightful spot at the top of this blog.

He seems to have things under control on the home front and is doing a pretty good job running the cats off. Now I've just got to straighten out the mess they made, damned nasty critters. Hopefully If I get things back to as normal as they've ever been around here we can forget about the phishes little forays into the worlds of cross dressing, bondage and the performance arts.

It appears that the cats and I both forgot the first rule of phin's blog. Thou shalt not piss off the goldfish.

If it's good enough for Frank J.

Well if it's good enough for Frank J. it's good enough for me.

That's right; I found the easiest way to deal with that damned psychotic schizophrenic ill tempered goldfish was to get a couple of cats. I figured he’d take a hint.

Only problem is those damned cats have taken over the joint and turned it into a cat blog. They haven't gotten to the content portion yet, like they did with IMAO. I'm trying to prevent at least keep them out of the archives, thus all necessary precautions are being taken.

I guess I’ll have to follow in Wisconsin’s footsteps and declare open season.

Trying my patience

That damned fish is trying my patience. I explained to him last night that sadie was already spoken for and that The Lad probably didn’t appreciate his advances.

So he gets all pissed of and mopes around his aquarium for a bit. Next thing I know he’s painted his face and he thinks he's a dag damned mime. I tried talking to him, we've been blog mates for a while now, and he just writes out that he isn't speaking to me or anyone else ever again. Fine by me I didn't care for his smart mouth anyhow.

I've got to give him credit though; he's working really hard on his mime act. I just don't have the heart to tell him that it really isn't hard to act like you're trapped in a box when you're pressing up against the side of an aquarium, but his elevator routine rocks.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out a cure for his little “identity crisis” and if he doesn't get his act straight by tomorrow he'll find out what it is.

A visit to the doctor's office

I was in the doctor’s office, my general physician, earlier this week. Apparently my doctor also handles some feminine issues to phrase it nicely. They put me in a waiting / examination room I either haven’t been in before or haven’t paid attention to the decorum.

In the room there’s a table with the stirrups, posters of different gynecological health related issues. Do they really need to put posters up of that stuff? If you’ve got the problems these posters were describing I’m pretty damn sure you’re going to the doctor. But that really isn’t the question that’s been eating at me.

Every time I’ve had to “disrobe” they leave the room so I can put on one of those gowns that covers absolutely nothing in the front. And have you noticed it’s typically cold in the doctor’s office? Shrinkage anyone? Not that I’m trying to impress my doctor, but would it hurt for them to bump the thermostat up a bit and help a guys ego out a bit? But that really isn’t the question that’s been eating at me either.

See what I really don’t understand is why in one corner of the room gynecological exam room there was a changing area with a curtain, bench, etc…. Granted I’m not an overly bashful person and it takes quite a bit to embarrass me. So maybe I just don’t get it. But if the doctor is going to be eye level with *ahem* your goodies is there really a need for a designated changing area?

Update: Somebody e-mailed me and let me know I was wearing the hospital gowns backwards. No wonder I got all those strange looks when I walked though the doctor's office.

Not again

That damned goldfish's identity crisis has to end soon.

I tried reasoning with him yesterday, that didn't work. Then he got all huffy saying everybody was picking on him and nobody understands him.

What the hell does he expect when he redecorates in pink? Thanks for the backup guys, I truly appreciate it.

So I took the little sumbeech behind the woodshed, so to speak, and whooped his ass. After the beating he promised to get things back to normal, or as normal as they get around here. Problem is I came in this afternoon and he's wearing a gimp mask that he refuses to take it off and he keeps asking for spankings.

I'm betting he thinks that sadie finds him being masochistic sexy.

Damned goldfish.

More than a coincidence

I typically don't participate in White Trash Wednesdays. However, since CBS has decided to join in the fray uninvited, so to speak, so shall I.

It's not that I'm pissed somebody who actually did something heroic and valid has a T.V. movie being aired about their actions. Really the trailer park princess that the media has deemed a hero did little more than any two bit hooker has done. Well actually a two bit hooker has a bit more courage; they knowing put themselves at risk whereas Amber Frey is and was just plain stupid. Amber Frey's claim to fame is she slept Scott Peterson (who if you've lived in a bubble the past several years killed his wife and unborn son).

Throughout the entire ordeal she's claimed her innocence and that she didn't know Ol' Scottie boy was married. Now call me old fashioned, but prior to hopping in the sack with someone on a repeated basis I think I'd want to know a bit more about them, at a bare minimum their marital situation. It would have surely been entirely to difficult to pick up the phonebook and see if his wife's name was listed right beside his, or to actually call the house. I mean Modesto, CA where Scott and Laci Peterson were living is a city of around 190,000 people so there had to be at least a couple hundred pages in the phone book. I realize I'm being a bit hard on Amber for not picking up the phone book and calling Scott's house or at least seeing they were listed as Scott and Laci Peterson, maybe she never made it past the first grade where they teach you not to go home with strangers.

There's the whole naked pictures issue. There's an organization of people who get their jollies by viewing at pictures of people who look like her; their name is NAMBLA (that's short for North American Man/Boy Love Association). If the media was going to take skanky redneck an make a movie about her she could at least have done something somewhat worthwhile, right Britney?

The blame doesn't entirely lay with Amber Frey; the media is just as much to blame. Rather than air a story about a true hero, maybe one of the soldiers who lost their life in Iraq, or a policeman killed protecting us they picked this bimbo. A bimbo who hired an attorney shortly after seeing the monetary potential realizing she could help.

Couldn't the two hours of airtime that CBS is going to burn on this waste of oxygen be better utilized airing pictures of missing children, or suspected murders on the run?

Oh and if sombody is really thinking about saying she's a hero because she didn't have to come forward, you don't want to open that can of worms. What Amber Frey did is no where close to what a women who's been sexually assaulted goes through when they're put on trial. Amber Frey was a willing participant, not to trivialize Laci's death, but what makes Amber's poor taste in men a heroic quality? I’m pretty sure there have been lots of women that slept with murders are they all heroines also?

Why waste two hours of valuable airtime unless the big wigs at CBS are knowingly trying to upstage the other participants of White Trash Wednesday. Anybody want to bet the next hussy turned hero will be Ana Marie Cox, she has trashed her journalistic integrity to infiltrate the world of blogging. There's also the suffering she must endure while on panels with those smelly conservative bloggers and the interviews with Fox News, oh the horror.

Linked to basil's blog | Lunch: 5/25/05.

Another blog identity crisis

I just don't get it.

I've tried to be nice to my blog. I was understanding when in wanted to be a communist. But this is pushing it. I mean a PINK back ground.

Come on, this isn't a gay blog. Maybe that’s it, my blog is just upset that today is my last day of posting at Snooze Button Dreams.

It could be an attempt to show of its feminine side in hopes that I can guest blog for sadie when she goes to vegas.

It would have to happen on a Tuesday when my poor little ole influential blog is under assault from those other super estrogen laden blogs.

If I find out which one of the divas slipped that damned goldfish the lip stick there's going to be hell to pay!!!!

Note: I can honestly say I haven't and don't intend to ever cross dress. But that damned fish has a mind of his own.

If you're wondering what all the fuss is about click here to reskin the blog.

Lonely or Broken

This week's topic of discussion for the Men's Club and Demystifying Divas: Lonely Hearts or Broken Hearts and which one is better / worse.

Since I don't talk about myself enough I'll try to pull from personal experience in this post. For the most part in regards to women I dated prior to meeting my wife; let's just say I'm glad they're in the distant past and they don't have my current address (them girls was crazy in the head, however they did provided me with some ammunition material for this post).

I never really went through either one of the stages; I really didn't give a damn about being in a relationship until I met my wife. So I don't have any personal experience with the lonely heart or broken heart bit. Go ahead, laugh, I'll quit typing for a second while you get the calling bullshit and calling me a liar. Done now? May we proceed? Thank you.

The first somewhat serious girlfriend I had in college was a perpetual lonely heart. To her life wasn't worth living if she wasn't in a relationship; she simply needed the stability (for lack of a better term) of another person in her life. The big problem however was she went from zero to married in about a two month time frame. Within two months of our first date she had already started talking marriage, number of kids she wanted, naming the kids, and figuring out how we'd divvy up the holidays, etc….

Being a freshmen in college for the first bit when she was doing this I was pondering whether or not I'd have another beer. When I realized that she was serious about the names of our children and all the other stuff, we had a little chat that ended up with me being called several not nice names and her attempting to launch my whozits into orbit with a swift kick (that I luckily blocked, for the most part). However, within two weeks she had found her next victim and had moved on.

We kept in contact (she was a bartender at one of my favorite watering holes) and she repeated the cycle until she found someone as off balance as she was. They were married within a year and divorced two years later. She was still playing the lonely heart card the last time I saw her about three years ago.

I also knew a girl in college that could be the case study for your stereotypical bitter broken hearted shrew. She'd found her one true love, and knew prior to their relationship he a drunk, a cheat and a liar, but he was the one for her. They were She was madly in love and love conquers all right? He'd change for her, she thought. And he did, at least until they got naked or he found someone else to play slap and tickle with.

She would incessantly harp on the one that got away. Somehow there was a guy at every party, every bar, hell just about anywhere that reminded her of her ex. She'd start off with tears, then move anger and cuss any guy that would listen (and some that wouldn't), then move to the self pity stage). Boy howdy was she a bitter shrew at the ripe old age of twenty. She really felt that in the end it really was her fault, she could have been more attentive to his needs or tried that threesome with the girl they met at the bar the night before they broke up. That would have been a true display of her love for him and he couldn't possibly have left after that right?

At times people (men and women) fail to realize that the world really is against them and they really are a horrible person that nobody wants to be in a relationship with; for the rest of us, its just matter of living, learning and moving on ( and / or hiding bodies).

Given the two choices, the lonely heart is a much better scenario if you ask me. Really if they haven't been in true love they don't know what they're missing?

When Lord Alfred Tennyson made the statement: 'Tis is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. He obviously hadn't been kicked in the twins or verbally accosted in public by a spurned wife or girlfriend.

For more rational and less biased opinions:
The AirMarshal describes his perfect man what women want and why they're a glutton for punishment. You may also rest assured the rest of the Villains will chime in.
The Wizard says that a broken heart is only a flesh wound.
Stigmata is gallivanting across europe and will post when asap.
Kathy says loneliness is like crack (to some people).
Christina says she shall partake and embrace love's grace.
sadie says women really wonder "Am I a horrible person.... do I suck in bed".
Guest blogging with the divas this week is Pammy, who agrees that Alfred is full of cow paties.
Silk says that she's heavy today. Her words, not mine, do y'all really think I'm that crazy?

A memo from the boss

Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

• Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
• Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
• Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
• Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.
• "Accidentally" Delete the Three Gigs of pornography on his work computer.
• Print out motivational phrases from despair.com and post them all over the office.
• "Accidentally" Replace the Two Gigs of pornography he downloaded after the Three Gigs were deleted with Gay Pornography.
• Ask for spankings a form of punishment if a deadline is missed
• "Accidentally" Replace the porn to replace the gay porn with pictures of kittens and puppies.
• Display this image on my desktop:
  
  Please remember to think about the kittins.
• Point all the desktop shortcuts on my boss's computer to the pornographic movies he's downloaded to replace the kittens and puppies.
• Play the Llama Song over the Intercom and leave for lunch.
• Ask customers: "Would you like fries with that?". (I work for a software company.)
• Use the phrase: "I like syrup!" anytime someone mentions a salad. If you need an explanation on this one, you won't get it from me, but you'll find more information on it here.
• Threaten to take a leak in the boss's gas tank if he doesn't give me the afternoon off to go fishing.

Note: Cross posted on Snooze Button Dreams.

A blog identity crisis

Click Here for the Full Effect.

I never really knew my poor little ole blog could have an identity crisis. It’s not like I ignored it while I was posting elsewhere. I’ve posted the same amount of useless drivel here that I’ve always posted, I’ve just had a couple of easy targets folks nice enough to let me post on their blogs also. Maybe it got jealous, but that a feminine trait isn’t it and my blog’s definitely male right?

Well maybe it was the lack of right leaning politics being posted here, but I came back after my last post and be damned if the layout hadn’t changed. Maybe I need to send my blog to the nearest inpatient psychiatric blog clinic. A couple of days in rehab should straighten its communist sympathizing arse out hadn’t it? Maybe it isn’t my blogs fault at all. Maybe there’s a new pinko commie virus that is making it’s way around the blogdodecahedron and Norton hasn’t had a chance to catch up with it yet.

I sure wish Frank J. as overlord of the blogdodecahedron would outlaw viral infections for blogs; or at least ban pinko communist makeovers.

Anybody know a decent blog exorcist that works cheap?

Note: Logo and layout design originally done by basil from basil's blog. Read the original entry here.

A side gig?

Do the Llama Butchers have a side gig?

For some reason I never thought they created board games.

Tarheel Tavern

Ogre has compiled and written one of the best Tarheel Taverns to date.

Compiled? You betcha, see people like me with simple minds forgot to submit entries so the Gallant Ogre went out and got them himself.

Great Job and Thanks Again Ogre.

An Etiquette Question

If you’ve been read very much of what I write you’ve probably noticed I’m a fairly particular about certain things, especially when it comes to web design and how pages are displayed. I’ve mentioned before how agitated I get by following the standards set for web design only to have Microsoft’s Internet Explorer trash the design of a page, but that really doesn’t have much to do with this post.

I realize that everyone doesn’t have access to a geek or they may not have the time to learn basic html. I’ve made suggestions to a couple of people on things they could do, quick simple things like adding <br / > after a link in their side bar to start a new line for the next link. But I started to realize that unless you have a relationship with a blogger it may not be polite to suggest improvements.

Another thing is a grammatical or spelling issue that may have been overlooked by spell check, but may lead to ridicule. It personally doesn’t bother me when someone points out a spelling / grammar error in the comments section. I’ll typically correct it, thank the person and admit I’m a knuckle head. However with some people I’ve noticed they view comments pointing out their mistakes as a cardinal sin. How dare you go to their site and critique their writing in the comments (even though they make the change in their post).

I’m just not sure what the proper protocol is when it comes to this. What’s the proper protocol? Some of the bigger and busier blogs don’t check their "basic" e-mail very often, however they like most other bloggers get that warm fuzzy feeling when somebody leaves a comment and they read that e-mail often.

Should you e-mail someone tips / pointers on changes they could make for their blog to be more readable?
Is it acceptable to point out their error in a playful manner?
Should you simply e-mail them and hope they read it in a timely manner?

I have fairly thick skin, it doesn’t bother me if somebody points out my few faults, but what do other people deem acceptable?

The same but different

basil's run away so he can watch his son Graduate.
Jim's at a wedding.

What do they both have in common?

They've given me a set of keys to their place and they're letting me guest post.

Of course as I mentioned earlier I'm probably a dead man once Jim gets back. I'm hoping I may have smoothed over any of Jim's ruffled feathers with my latest post at Snooze Button Dreams though.

That's right three times the bloggy goodness from phin.

Update: phin just realized phin referred to phin in the third person earlier. Don't you hate when people do that?

Dead man

As a continuation of my recent trend of mockery of bloggers more successful than I am.

I'm probably a dead man for this.

Jim really does resemble Matt LeBlanc doesn't he?

* Picture may not be work safe.

Curves, Curves and Curves.

The Queen of Feisty wants to know which is more attractive and why: Thin Kate Moss - Gweneth Paltrow types or women with voluptuous curves?

Me, I like curves. Of course a healthy portion of that comes from my fascination with women's breasts and behinds.

Not that you should do this at work, like somebody just did, but look at a majority of the females in the adult entertainment *cough* porn *cough* industry. Most of the women getting paid to have sex have a healthy set of curves. Why because nobody wants to see stick figures banging it out. Really why pay for porn with stick figures, bad lines and no script when any no talent hack could doodle the same thing out in a matter of minutes using pen and paper; men want to see bouncies.

As several others have noted in Christina’s comments as long as it’s proportionate a few extra pounds and a healthy self image are much more of a turn on than the stick figures they call models nowadays anyhow.

Ladies please remember that you’re unique; just like everybody else. So what may be deemed an ideal weight for someone your same height and age, which are the criteria the last time I checked, more than likely won’t apply to you. My 3.5 cents: Toss the damn scales in the trash and if you’re happy with the way you luck too hell with what anybody else thinks.

Somewhere else

I realize posting has been a tad bit on the light side here.

But if you're looking for more of me I'm also posting over at Snooze Button Dreams until Jim gets back.

Yup, theres twice as much bloggy goodness from me running around. There's a fairly interesting cast of characters joining me over at Snooze Button Dreams.

So far we've got a comment party (that's just getting up and running), a caption contest, a trackback party (that's fallen flat on its face; for that I blame Frank J., I don't know why though) and other various goodies.

The best thing about guest blogging. You can increase somebody else's rankings in the gay blog community.

Somebody else as warped as me

I recently realized that The Llama Butchers are as warped as I am.

Bad part is it wasn't so much this post that did it. It was the new Star Wars Themed Logo they have; the one where Steve's wielding a light-saber and Robo's his bitch a princess.

And here I was thinking they were happily married, but not too each other, it seems like somebody vacations in Canada.

Well maybe they aren't as warped as I am, but they're close.

Yes there is so much of a void of muse that I had to resort to picking on bloggers more successful than I am. Are you really surprised I’d result to such tactics?

Something about Harvey

Ever wondered why Harvey from Bad Example was one of the most fertile blog fathers running around the blogosphere?

It's because he writes posts like this.

Amen Reverend Harvey.

Yay sparklies

Jewelry is a funny and fickle thing. One of life's most important decisions for a man often times hinges on the purchase of a ring. Why because society says that if we don't spend three months salary on an engagement ring, instead of making a down payment on a house, we just don't love her enough or we haven't really though through our decision to marry.

Then there's the wedding band, the anniversary band, tennis bracelets and all kinds of other sparklies that people deem to be an important method of expressing our true feelings.

See you can really express just about any emotion or sentiment with a jewelry purchase:

You can say I love you:
But you've got to be careful. I dated a couple of girls in the past that said they wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who wasn't planning on purchasing them at LEAST a Carat Diamond.


See money really can buy you love. If they're a hooker, and when someone demands at a certain sized diamond all you're really doing is negotiating price. It's the thought that counts right?

Then you can also say I'm sorry:
Say you get caught in one of life's little situations. What better way to apologize than with a set of diamond earrings?

Now before you go thinking it's just women that demand sparklies think again. I know several "men" that have more expensive taste in jewelry than the women I'm friends with. As dear Sadie once said, "one must search for masculine men these days, as so many have been pussified due to the glorification of sensitive males." What the hell does a guy need with an onyx and diamond pinky ring; unless he's trying to win the Mrs. Metrosexuality pageant?

Sorry folks I just don't see the reason men need to wear have a diamond ring on every finger unless they're trying to compensate for something else. The real men I know wear a wedding band, a watch, possibly a class ring and maybe a necklace. But if you want to prove you're over compensating for a below the belt lacking feel free to spend your bank account on bling.

For more enlightened views:
Christina's investment tip, gold.
Silk says that women and birds are genetically linked.
Sadie says to burn dollars to create carbon that will eventually become diamonds.
Kathy just can't stop herself. From what you'll have to read for yourself.
Phoenix, guest blogging with the divas this week be sure to visit, says she's a stereotypical girl.

Puffy is finished robbing a jewelry store and has posted.

The Wizard has to been called away on work, stupid work always interfering with blogging.

The Gentlemen of Naked Villany will be taking zonker's place in the Men's Club lineup. zonker is trying to convince us he actually has a life outside of blogging so he had to step down. Up to bat this week is The Maximum Leader and he's knocked it out of the park, you go read now.

New Blog Netiquette Post

There's a new post up at Blog Netiquette regarding TrackBacks.

Jim's purple hooter

I mentioned earlier that Jim from Snooze Button Dreams was headed out of town for a while. I promised I wouldn't host a comment party over there unless bribed by Harvey.

Well Harvey hasn't bribed me yet, so I figured I'd host a TrackBack party and an Image traveling party as well. With a little help I'd like to get bloggers from around the world to show Jim's purple hooter a great time.

If / when you decide to invite Jim's purple hooter to visit your blog, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the Official "I support Jim's Purple Hooter's Travels Tracker" page that I'm in the process of creating.

The pictures of Jim's purple hooter are below in the extended entry and should be work safe.

Eastern North Carolina, home of hot women & pirates, welcomes Jim's purple hooter.

Here's a copy of Jim's purple hooter that hasn't been doctored, feel free to manipulate him as you see fit:

Linky stuff

Here are my ADD laden reading recommendations for monday.

• basil says that Augusta isn't so bad, if you're going to a baseball game. Ladies Hootie says you still can't join.
• Confederate Yankee, my older and sometimes wiser brother, has a public safety announcement regarding journalists. He's displaying the sometimes wiser part this time.
• Feisty has a new home and it's in MuNuviana. There goes the neighborhood. Oh and welcome to the nut house Christina.
• Sadie describes the oddness of blogging. I'm just glad I wasn't directly mentioned.
• Kathy reminds us all that hell hath no fury like a woman. Nope women don't have to be scorned to be hell on wheels.
• Silk learns about sharp knives, lemon juice and stupid people.
• Mustang is beer blogging. Mmmm beer.

Another successful con

I managed to con Jim over at Snooze Button Dreams that I wouldn’t foul things up to bad if he allowed me to guest host at his place whilst he’s away attending a wedding. So what’s that mean for the three and a half people that normally read my material? That there should be as twice as much worthless information and sometimes funny stuff being posted.

I won't reveal my plans to turn his blog into a bastion of gay midget porn until he’s well on his way to Spokane.

Hopefully he’ll receive the hotel warming gift I’ve sent.

Carnival of the cats

Aptenobytes is hosting the Carnival of the Cats this week.

Yes I should be ashamed for entering the IMAO Catblog Spoof in, but I'm not.

My online-dignity flew out the window the minute I became a traffic and link whore.

Somthing ain't right

I can't really say I'm overly surprised by the results. I'm just surprised that I beat out zonker and Sadie, in the lust department no less. Something just ain't right.

IE Loses Market Share

It was bound to happen. From CNN:

NEW YORK (AP) -- Microsoft Corp.'s share of the U.S. browser market has slipped below 90 percent as the Firefox browser continues to grow in popularity, according to independent tracking by WebSideStory.

Not that I'm one to go bashing Microsoft's products. They have some great products and since they're the giant on the block they're an easy target. Most of the programmers I know like to talk bad 'bout Billy G. and his products, while they write code with a higher bug to function ratio than any Microsoft Product has ever had.

I'm not one of them. I like a majority of Microsoft's products.

If Internet 'splorer was CSS compliant and followed the standards set by The World Wide Web Consortium (W3C) the interweb would be a much happier place. But it isn't and causes mucho headaches for those of us tryin' to do nifty stuff with our sites. Which means IE will continue to loose market share until Billy and the Gang finally catch on and rush a copy of IE 7 to market that half asses W3C standards and pushes more people to Firefox.

If you're thinking about making the switch go ahead and give Firefox a shot, it can be downloaded from GetFirefox.com. You'll probably be delightfully surprised by the performance increase.

spacemonkey's got it up

The spacemonkey from IMAO has it up, no not that you pervo, the third installment of the Carnival of Comedy.

Lotsa funny over there.

Questions & Answers with the Goddess of Snark

If you've got questions she's got answers.

So go ahead and submit your questions to divassez at gmail dot com

Sure she'll berate you a little bit, but it builds character.

Note : She probably won't scold you too much unless you ask a really stupid question. Like asking if she could book the Llama Butchers to speak at a prestigious event (even I have better sense than that) or why this didn't publish earlier even though I had the Post Status in MT set to Draft.

Choices, Choices, Choices

Smallholder, from Nakedvillainy, wants us to figure out who he is based off the pictures on this site.

I'm pretty sure it's Smallholder in the bottom right corner. Where he's shed his feather bowa and we only get to see part of him 'cause he's hidden by the computer.

He did say he was pretty like Zack from saved by the bell.

Orgasm Day

A remote town in Brazil declared May 9th was Orgasm Day. As part of the service I offer to you, my valued readers, I decided to live blog the event from my fish bowl. I then realized that it wouldn't do much good with out pictures, I just got them back from the 1/2 hour photo (1/2 hour my tail phin) so here goes the live blog three days late.

Some of the pictures in the extended entry may be a tad bit disturbing, but should be work safe.

This is me sad, I've just realized that today is national Orgasm day and I'm all alone in my bowl.

Then the owner turned the channel to an Animal Planet documentary about tropical fish. Those angelfish are super hot and get me 'cited every time. Let's just say the temperature of the phish bowl heated up quite a bit.

Give'm your best O-Face is what I always say.

Well then I just went to sleep a happy phish.

I'll definitely going to have Orgasm Day marked on the calendar next year. Maybe I'll have a hot she-phish bowlmate by then so and we can try a twosome.

Hat tip: basil & Christina.

* O-Face sound bite shamelessly borrowed from: Office Space Movie Fan Site

BRAK 2005

Everybody's all up in arms about BRAK. I just don't get it.

What does Brak, a character from Space Ghost, have to do with the military and our government?



I thought he was just another character on space ghost.
Some people people are all scared that this is going to the Mother of All Braks. But what does this nice lady have to do with anything?

Update: Thats BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) my bad.

It isn't me

The guys at work are starting to suspect I have a blog.

To the guys I work with: If you're reading this, it isn't me.
Your pal,
phin

Update: Oh and you're fired for breaking the company's internet policy. Step back to my office I'll print it out for you.

Read the fine print: You may not read a blog named phin's blog.

The winds of change

The winds of change are they are a blowing.

Frank J. has posted a FAQ about the recent changes over at IMAO.

The one thing he doesn't answer is why IMAO has become a CAT BLOG.

Really IMAO has become a CAT BLOG; see for yourself!

The quandary of strip clubs

It's Tuesday and today's topic: Strip Clubs.

I personally have never been a big fan of Strip Clubs, but that isn't to say I haven't been to more than a couple, of dozen. Part of my job involves travel and being fairly young, the owners of the businesses I was meeting with felt obliged to keep me "entertained". When I was single more often than not this meant a trip to their local strip joint; thus there are several stories I'll pull from when discussing the do's and don't of Gentlemen's Establishments.

If you've never been to a strip joint there are several things you should know:

• Unless you're in Vegas, New York or another major metropolitan area the girls won't look like they do on the posters outside (until you've had half a dozen $5 - $8 dollar drinks).
• If you're trying to catch a buzz while in said strip joint stick to beer. You'd be amazed at how watered down the booze is in adult establishments (Partially to keep folks from getting to rowdy).
• To quote Chris Rock: "There is no sex in the Champaign room, there's Champaign in the Champaign room, but there is no sex in the Champaign room".
• If you decide to get handsy in a strip joint, you will get your ass handed to you by a bounder that would make Sam Elliot in Roadhouse his bitch.
• Your new best friend named Candy really doesn't give a damn what you do for a living, that your wife is out of town, that it's your last night before getting married so long as you keep stuffing bills in her garter belt she's your best friend.
• Men if you're in Montreal Canada it is worth attending the Canadian Ballet; just so you can say you've been. No the Canadian Ballet isn't really ballet and I wouldn't take your spouse with you, just ask a male hotel clerk, cabbie or limo driver; they'll get you where you need to go.
• Never eat at a strip joint named Café Risqué

As I mentioned earlier I've been to more than a few strip joints. There are several things I'd rather do than go to a strip joint with a client, such as have a root canal done without anesthesia or get my 'nads waxed; but since those weren't options I couldn't choose from them. Now not all of my experiences have been bad and more likely than not something damn funny is going to happen. Not that you'd be allowed to discuss what happened to somebody in public as that would be a direct violation of the code.

Most of the guys I know aren't going to a strip joint to find the next love of their life or even hoping for a roll in the hay with one of the dancers. Most of the time it's a "special" occasion (birthday, bachelor party, etc..) when a group of guys head out to see some bouncies and make asses out of themselves.

I could really do without going to another strip joint. Why? Well the allure of paying, as I mentioned earlier, $5 - $8 for a drink really doesn't excite me. Not that I'm cheap, I just don't like water in my scotch, 'cause we all know fish have sex in water. I'm not really a big fan of the perfume that is misted out of AC vents to keep the place from smelling like a hog house. The music is almost always too damned loud. As my friends and I have gotten older the bachelor party ritual of strip joints has been replaced with offshore fishing trips and golf outings.

For the ladies wondering if we were going there for some type of sexual gratification, nope, in all honesty it could be best compared to taking a shower with rain gear on. Everything required is there, but the additional elements keep it from being a truly satisfying experience.

Why do men go to strip joints? Well not that the scenery hurts, but mainly its somewhere we don't have to worry about making an ass out of ourselves. There's a certain comfort in knowing that as long as you don't jump up on stage and start stripping yourself there will always be somebody that's a bigger ass than you.

There are several things in life that are certain, death, taxes, Baptists don't recognize each other in the liquor store and men don't talk about what their buddies did at the strip joint.

If you're looking for a crowd that really knows how to have a good time in a strip joint. Find the bachelorette party headed to the Cheetah Club in Vegas. That's right a soon to be married woman and her bridesmaids know how to raise hell in a boobie bar; but that a story for another time

For more coherent rambling about adult establishments:
The men:
The Wiz learns about stripping from his preacher, really he does.
Zonker talks about working with strippers or something.

The divas:
Sadie's clueless and admits it (This shall forever be a day of infamy).
Chissy talks about boobs, jubblies hooters.
Michelle offers advice for those thinking about becoming strippers.
Kathy proves her husband is a brave man.
Silk just wants somebody to take their clothes off.

Puffy is still at Thee Dollhouse researching the topic.

Stat Counter

I finally got off my lazy tail and added a StatCounter.

Why would somebody want to add a Stat Counter Hit Counter, Web Tracker thingy to their site if they already have a SiteMeter?

I guess you could desribe it as being married to both a redhead and a brunette. You get to see the same thing presented in different packages that you can't do much with.

StatCounter does however provide information I couldn't find in Sitemeter; the following information is being provide by StatCounter:
Browsers: 54% Microsoft IE, 36% Firefox (100% Java Enabled)
Resolution: 62% -1024x768, 22% 800x600
Operating System: 71% Windows XP, 10% Windows 2000, 6% MacOS X

The installation is a simple cut and paste routine.
With the information provided by StatCounter & SiteMeter you can ensure the readability of your blog, something critical to readership growth.

Tarheel Tavern

Vist Circadiana for this week's edition of the Tarheel Tavern.

Something to waste time

Via the Llama Butchers we have the next best thing to waste time:

It's the Kitten Cannon.

Could this be considered cat blogging?

While you're waiting

While you're waiting to find out the final question and answer from Sadie, you can hop over to the 25 Word Challenge.

It's being hosted by Lollygaggin this week.

They said she said

This week's installment of Diva Sez is being hosted Sadie.

Now you can find out the answers to the burning questions in life. Well almost all of them. She's still got one more question to answer; well one more from the list anyway.

Congratulations to Lance

Cinco de Mayo shall forever be a day of infamy in the Red State Rant household.

Congratulations to Lance and family on the birth of Rebecca Tracy born 5-05-05 at 4:39 pm.
6lbs 12 oz
19.25 inches long

Sure his wife gave birth to Rebecca, but Lance did the hard part right? (That statement is kinda punny when you think about it isn't it?)

Be sure to pop over to his place and wish him well.

Update: I had previously suggested a great baby name would be phin. The loving parents decided to stick with Rebecca as they felt phin would be better suited for a boy’s name.

Run away bimbo

Several people in the main stream media are asking how the Jennifer Wilbanks situation happened.

First you have to analyze the reason she ran. The investigation has shown she isn’t / wasn’t being abused, which means it's really a simple answer with two and only two possibilities.
1. She's mentally unstable and shouldn't be allowed to marry, much less reproduce.
2. She's a coward, doesn't want to be married and simply lacks the backbone to say so.

Sure that makes me a cold hearted SOB, but I'm not the basket case that planned a wedding with fourteen people on each side and then decided it was too much pressure. You can find my sympathy for her in the dictionary between shit and syphilis (my apologies for the language).

And HOW IT happened. In my opinion IT is the Main Stream media jumping the gun and deciding they'd found the next best thing since Scott and Laci Peterson. Again maybe that makes me a cold and callous SOB; but the time and energy STILL BEING wasted on this run away bride bimbo can be better spent on tracing down a child that is possibly being molested by a pedophile. To me finding a missing child is much more important than speaking to Jennifer Wilbanks’ wedding planner, but the main stream media doesn’t think so.

To solve the problem: Said bimbo’s father needs to take her behind the woodshed and whip her ass, like he should have done with his little princess years ago. Maybe then she’ll start accepting responsibly for her actions.

Pop-up Comments fixed YAY ME

Sometimes being OCD Pays off.

I've been agitated that I couldn't get the Pop-up Comments window to remember my / your information. Finally I pieced together several pieces of the puzzle and figured it out.

If your blog is being hosted by mu.nu, I'd recommend reading the post about it over on Munuviana. Oh and pass it along to all the Munuvian bloggers who don't check up on Munuviana posts.

YAY ME.

I ROCK.

Okay so I think I've successfully dislocated my shoulder patting myself on the back.

Hillary for Senate!

Those of you think I've finally lost it may be right, but my supporting the Hateful Shrew's senate bid has nothing to do with me being certifiable.

According to Fox News:

The majority of New York voters said Hillary Rodham Clinton deserves to be re-elected to the Senate next year, but want her to pledge to serve a full, six-year term if she runs, a statewide poll reported Thursday.

I agree, this is a great idea. Let’s help minimize the damage that would be caused by Hillary in the Whitehouse by keeping her in the Senate. Sure the best alternative would be for her to give up politics, but folks that just ain’t gonna happen.

There for I’m all for Hillary in ’06 as long as she agrees to serve her full six year term.

Questions, Questions, Questions

Want to know the meaning of life?

This Friday, Divas Sez will be hosted by Sadie, who will gladly answer your questions, as long as she receives them by Thursday evening.

Get to clickin' on the link and e-mail mistress Sadie your questions.

Possible questions:
Why do the Llama Butchers make such easy targets?
What's up with the growing metrosexual blogging tendencies and can this trend be attributed to either Metrosexual Glenn or Zonker for Catblogging?

Be careful what you ask for..

Be VERY VERY careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

When the members of the Bad Example Family that aren't already Munuvians were nominated I said I'd give a Yay as long as Harvey would pose with the Elusive Blue Footed Boobie that Jim was able to capture.

Boy howdy did that ever backfire.

It seems that Harvey has become quite the exhibitionist and he didn't even give a second thought to posing with the Blue Footed Boobie.

Wow, I just figured my dare to the Bad Example Family Patriarch would be laughed off, never did I think it'd be acted upon.

It just goes to show, you'd best be careful what you ask for.

Something to ponder

It seems The Men's Club name is already in use by a less than reputable gentleman’s establishment.

Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not.

Hat Tip: Acidman

Ooooh that smell

This week's Men's Club & Demystifying Divas topic: Scents.
In the words of Lynyrd Skynyrd:

Ooooh that smell
Can't you smell that smell

This week's Men's Club & Demystifying Divas topic: Scents.

The sense of smell is a funny thing. A scent can make us hungry, home sick, sick, feel better, amorous or it can ruin the mood (tip: a covered wagon isn’t a turn on).

A little bit of the right perfume or body spray can wreak havoc on a man’s sensibilities. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: men are simple creatures, beer, food and a good smellin’ woman is pretty much all it takes to make us happy. Even the ever ranting Acidman has posted about this. For me the scent is Pear Glace, the misses wore it in college and I’ve kept her stocked in the stuff ever since. I prefer the body washes & body sprays, as the colognes (I was informed by the witch of a saleswoman at Victoria Secretes it isn’t’ called perfume anymore) tend to be a bit too strong for my tastes, even when applied conservatively.

On the other hand, nothing screams hey, look at me I’m a raging Metrosexual more than a guy that takes a bath in cologne. They need to learn that little bit goes a long way when it comes to cologne. A guy I used to work with almost always took a bath in whatever cologne he’d found that week. Besides giving me a migraine it eventually made me scream: “WTF, don’t you realize you’re not supposed to use half a damn bottle of cologne. A dab you moron, a dab of cologne, you’re not supposed to be bathing in it.”

For posts that actually make sense and that aren’t rambling incoherent rants:
Ruth rants about scents that don't make sense but cost more than a couple of cents.
Kathy has me wondering where my bottle of Drakkar went.
Sadie's gone to the dogs, well not really, she offers tips to keep it from happening.
Christina's talking about being naughty in the kitchen, minus the naughty part (mmmm cookies).
Silk wants a man that is hard and sweaty, well at least one that smells that way.

Puffy makes sense out of spending cents to get a decent scent.
The Wizard has found something that smells good, five bucks says it isn't my socks.
Zonker says he likes the smell of a freshly cleaned cat and wonders why the other men didn't mention it. I personally didn't mention it 'cause I'm a dog person. Another thing that screams I'm a Metrosexual is cat blogging: Right Zonker?

Update: For those of you wondering what cologne I wear, it's the alone cologne: Ole Nunsbush.

Almost there

I realized the templates were all kinds of ugly when viewed in Internet Explorer, thus I had to poke / prod / kick / punch / scream at the template to get Fire Fox & IE to display close to the same thing.

I'm pretty much done with the templates. If anything else isn't visible / looks screwy / is atrocious let me know. Otherwise I’m in the process of moving most of my post interesting posts from blogspot to here.

And I’ll be live from here as of tonight now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Applications now being accepted

Jim's asked for people to fill out applications to guest blog at his place.

I'm sure I don't have a snowball's chance in hell, but I've applied anyhow.

1. Name: phin
2. Sex: as often as the wife allows (so not very, considering my sever case of foot in mouth disease).
3. Age: Mentally? or physically? neither of which would accurately represent the number of years I have existed outside the womb
4. Favorite Color: Paisley
5. Superpower(s): I can breath underwater (oh and I can kick Aquaman's ass)
6. Are you able to resist the inexorable pull of a comment party? It depends on what Harvey bribes me with.
7. Have you ever been convicted of a crime you did not commit? (Yes)
8. Who framed you? A College Roommate
9. Was your revenge classically Machiavellian or of the exploding gas tank variety? Machiavellian for the most part, with a collapsing bed thrown in to boot
10. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? (Hell No)
11. Benifer? Should be fed to a pack of rabid chlamydia infested jellyfish.
12. Complete this sentence: My dog has an unusually low tolerance for stupid people asking if she'll bite.
13. Pervert! very much so, thanks for noticing.
14. Can you be trusted to guest post on Snooze Button Dreams without making a bugger-all mess of things? (Yes/No) Yes
15. No, really? (Yes/No) No, but it won't be intentional
16. What do you want to be when you grow up? young again
17. As a guest poster, what sort of things would you be posting? things I wouldn't normally post on my site(like blue footed boobies) and applications for guest bloggers to fulfill my guest blogging duties (of course they'd go unanswered because I don't have the authority to allow them to guest post)
18. Pervert! are you stalking me or something?
19. List three hobbies: Insider Trading, Needle Point, Cooking (He didn't say they had to be mine)
20. No comment. Then I won't comment either
21. Essay question. Please do not open your booklets until instructed to do so. In 500 words or less describe why you want to be a guest poster at SBD, why you deserve to be a guest poster at SBD, and a workable energy plan that is not dependent upon foreign natural resources. Begin. Huh? Maybe, and Yes. Not necessarily in that order.

Additional disinformation: I've served guard duty over at basil's one weekend and didn't burn his place down.

I've Moving

I'm moving!!!!!!!

I've finally wrapped up a majority of the changes to my new template & home on the range web.
I'm now a Munuvian.

Be sure to update you blogrolls / book marks (All three of you linked here).

Growing older, but not up

I realized at a cookout this weekend being hosted by one of my wife's friends that my wife and her friends are getting old. Sure she’s a year and a half younger than me, but that’s beside the point. I decided a long time ago that twelve was the perfect age for me and I’ve been holding there ever since (this year I celebrate the 18th anniversary of being twelve).

In the past year a majority of the people that attended the cookout had replaced their beer stocked coolers with diaper bags & strollers and replaced their fashionable car with something more reasonable like a minivan or station wagon.

Of course at the get together we were peppered with the: “So when are you guys going to have a kid” question. There were two responses to this question, depending on whether or not the wife was within ear shot. If she could hear my response, it was: “I’m the only child my wife wants running around the house”. If she couldn’t hear me my response was: “What you got laid [Insert age of child plus 9 months here] and have been celibate from then on, are you so bitter that someone else has a great sex life that you’re trying to end it by pressuring them to have kids? What the hell is wrong with you? Can’t you stand to see someone else happy?” For some reason they normally walked away after I gave them my response when the wife wasn't within earshot.

She was of course met with questions about why I was so bitter. When they’d ask and look my way I’d just smile and wave. I'm not sure what her response was, but I'm sure it included her pet name for me (it starts with Jack, I'll let you guess the ending).

Me I’m still the same happy twelve year old I was when we left for the cookout.