I had hoped....

I had hoped when I read this pass weekend's headlines calling Iran's President-elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a moderate that they were true. I had hoped that this was the beginning of the end of the Extremist Islamic rule of Iran. My hopes however crumbled as soon as I opened the articles and learned who the President-elect was. This article on Fox News points out that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may have been one of the captors that held 52 Americans hostage in 1979. It seems my hopes for a moderate Islamic leadership in Iran will have to wait.

Hopefully we are able to avoid going to war with Iran, however if we are unable to avoid war I hope and pray it is based off an actual threat of nuclear weapons and not a rampant fear of Islamic governments. Yes I realize the terrorists that flew used planes as missiles on September 11th were all Muslims. However I also have friends who are Muslims, who are as appalled as I was at the attacks that took place on September 11th 2001 and the continuing attacks taking place today. We've discussed philosophical view points and theirs aren't that different from mine. Which is why we need to ensure that all of Islam isn't tarnished and its followers aren't billed as the dregs of society.

Now before you get all hot under the collar and jump into the comments section and start riddling off the various times throughout history Muslims have attacked folks I want you to think about this. How many people were killed during the crusades? How many people were forcefully converted to Christianity during the inquisitions? How long ago was it that there wasn't a moderate Christianity? Think back to the Salem witch trials. How many people were burned at the stake for being heretics?

ALL the major religions have changed. We can not continue that path of judging an entire religion by the acts of a few extremist. If we continue the trend of attributing the actions of the extremes to the group as a whole we end up with a very narrow view of the world and the people in it. Don't follow?

You've voted democrat in the past 16 years, well you must be a pot smoking anti-war troop hating hippy.

Your relatives are from the Middle East? Well we'd best not allow you to ride on public transportation; you may decide to follow the path of your countrymen and blow it up.

You went to church last Sunday, well how's your buddy Eric Rudolph doing? Remind me not to be within a couple of city blocks of the clinic when you're in town okay?

Think these assumptions are off the wall and baseless? You're damned right they are. But they're no more off the wall and baseless than judging 1.4 billion people based off the actions of a fraction of a percent of the population. What would happen if the world's view of Christianity and Americans in general were based of the actions of the Westboro Baptist Church, statistically speaking it's about the same.

I had hoped we'd learned something since the days of burning witches at the stake during the Salem witch trials. However it seems we've only changed our definition of a witch and the locations where we're hunting.

Interesting tidbits

While helping my sister-in-law with a psychology exam I learned that 43% of women have at some point in their life experienced sexual dysfunction as compared to 31% of men.

Update: Since madam sadie requested it, and we always do what she says.

Sexual Dysfunction is a persistent impairment of sexual interest or response that causes interpersonal difficulties of personal distress (American Psychiatric Asses, 2000) that can occur at any stage of the sexual response cycle.

Among women the most common problem was lack of interest, with about a third saying their significant other wasn't doing it right so they lost interest. Twenty-six percent of women said they regularly did not have organisms orgasms and 23% said it was not pleasurable. The rest were upset that phin is married and no longer available to provide services for their pleasure

A third of the men said they climaxed to early, 14% were dead had no interest in sex and 8% said they were numb from the waste down derived no pleasure from sex.

Miracles ...

Miracles really do happen.

I never thought I'd see the day this would happen. It appears somebody from UNC Chapel Hill managed to find my blog.

I'm shocked and amazed that someone at the university was able to use a computer, much less read a blog. All this time I was doubting miracles, when they really do happen. If you need to see the proof of divine intervention yourself the screen capture is below.

Click to Enlarge

I realize some of you may find this post tasteless as it's like picking on an a retarded kid; to you I say blah. It isn't my fault they decided on UNC Chapel Hill instead of a quality educational institution.

I'm a statistic

You should be too.

Hat tip: JohnL of Texas Best Grok.

Make your move movie ....

Today is Tuesday and you know what that means, its nudie magazine day time for the demystifying diva and the men's club to cover another topic. This week's topic, movies more specifically Chick / Guy Flicks.

I discussed the topic a bit with the wife this past weekend on our trip home from best buy. She's a fan of chick flicks (Never Been Kissed, She's All That, Steal Magnolias, The Yahooligans Sisterhood, Pretty Woman). Of no surprise to anyone I'm the stereotypical male when it comes to movie, if something blows up, or there's T. & A. I'm happy, if both are involved I'm even happier, if there's a lesbian love scene and lots of explosions I'm ecstatic (note the lesbians have to be attractive, Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen getting naked in a movie would be deal breaker, this wasn't discussed with the Wife).

I tried while pondering this post, as I have in the past, to figure out the appeal of chick flicks. Why, why, why do women feel the need to watch a movie that is going to make them cry? I've never understood it, probably never will. The Wife has pretty much given up on explaining the appeal of these types of movies. I admit it partially has to do with my coarse and unsympathetic nature; however a decent explanation would still be greatly appreciated. I'm sure I'll get ripped to shreds for this, but I've come the following conclusions regarding the reasons some women are addicted to chick flicks.

1. Its plain and simple enthralled. For a brief moment they're able to push aside all their worries and become completely enthrawled in the details of someone else’s problems. Problems which are nine times out of ten solved by the movie.

2. They're infatuated with the search for the perfect man. For women that have never been married they're clinging to the hope that their price charming is going to come riding into their lives and rescue them from the Cube Farm. They're just waiting for the perfect guy to sweep them away to live in his castle with an ocean view.

3. They're waiting for their chance to prove to the world they're just an extreme makeover away from being Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman or Rachael Leigh Cook in She's All That.

4. They're bitter shrews waiting for their chance to show their ex-boyfriend they're better of without them. Okay, maybe bitter shrews is a bit harsh, but how many people (guys included) have watched one of the life improves after High school / College movies and thought: Damn I'd love to show that putz / skank how much better my life is without them.

Guy movies on the other hand are much easier to figure out; probably because men are much simpler creatures.
Features for a successful guy movie.
1. Fast Cars
2. Fast Women
3. Lots of Explosions
4. Gross comedy or guys getting hit in the nuts
5. Sports based movie allowing men to relive high school / college glory days
6. A never before seen set of chesticles (Swordfish - Halle Barry & The Gift - Katie Holmes).

Features for a very successful guy movie.
1. Fast Cars + Fast Women
2. Fast Cars + Lots of explosions
3. Lots of naked men women. *

Features for a Blockbuster
1. Fast Cars or Lots of Explosions with Fast women making out with each other.
Features for a guy that will fail
1. Rosie O'Donnell or any other unattractive angry lesbian Naked.
2. Naked men (We don't care for comparisons)

Pretty much it boils down to the same old deal of women being complex and men being simple. Luckily there are movies in the middle ground, comedies (even some of the romantic comedies) may very well be the saving grace for men and women to live in harmony on movie night.

The following quotes are out of context (inspired by Sadie of course), thus you should read their entire post to put it (the quote) into place (context).

For those of you wondering the oldest profession is apparently still alive and well in L.A. The Minister of Propaganda finally admits to being a gigolo "I live in Los Angeles and I work in the Industry."

Sadie admits to a gender identity crisis "I am a man" and says "Oh woe is me. Who will ever save me from this terrible fate?"
Chrissy says "it was all about me!"
Kathy says "it works to keep the marital strife to a minimum."
Silk says "it is impolite to drool over another mans pert buttocks if you are sitting with a guy on a first date." I'm betting that hasn't stopped her though.
I hope Margi wasn't including me in the group that "behaved like eunuchs in public".

Stiggyis putting the final touches on his err, umm post.

The Wizard may be MIA, it depends upon how the fishing has been the past couple of day.

Note: Starting next week Tuesdays are moving to Thursdays. Okay well the whole day isn't moving, just the schedule of when we're discussing topics. See aren't you glad we didn't move the whole day, otherwise you'd have another couple of days before the Friday and that'd be no good.

* Thanks to owlish for pointing out the type-o, boy howdy what a difference two llittle letters make.

Pie Blogging

I must confess Kathy of the Cake Eater Chronicles is the Goddess of Pie. When the wife brought home a flat of strawberries last week I decided to try out Kathy's recipe.

All I've got to say: Pie GOOD, Mmm Pie.

I was almost as impressed with my baking abilities as I was with the Wife's ability to fight off all urges to tell me too "get your bitch ass in the kitchen and fix me some pie" (in her best Cartman voice).

I'm sure some of my reader's images of me as a man's man have been dashed to pieces at the thought of me in the kitchen baking. If it helps rebuild your image just picture me as a skinny Bill Goldberg in an apron, and leather chaps, with a whipped cream holster if it helps.

Is the end near

I perused the blogisdoheiciweb yesterday and too my surprise I found several people referencing the Reverend Billy Graham's comments regarding Bill and Hillary Clinton. Some felt the aging Reverend, a lifelong Democrat, was being exploited by the Clintons for their own political gain.

I wonder how far we'll get into Hillary's bid for the '08 presidency before they start airing ads quoting the Reverend's so called endorsement. I'm just curious how the party of Complete Separation of Church and State will manage to downplay the past several years of vigorous attempts to remove all semblance of Christianity from our government.

I just don't see why people are getting so worked up, it could be that Reverend Graham was joking and only joking with the Clintons. A quick glance at the Reverend's comments:

Graham called the Clintons "wonderful friends" and "a great couple," quipping that the former president should become an evangelist and allow "his wife to run the country."

Shows that he definitely has a sense of humor. A great couple? For some reason I was thinking the members of this group were the only people that felt the Clintons were great role models (they do put the "Grr in Swinger baby!").

It could also be that the Reverend isn't being accurately quoted and the meaning of his message isn't being properly portrayed by the MSM (not that anything like that has ever happened before). It could be the actual quote was:

"Bill you should become an evangelist and your wife to run the country, when monkeys fly out of my butt."

See by leaving the flying monkeys part out the MSM is able to create the appearance of an endorsement.

People are also discounting the Reverend's knowledge of future events and his divine knowledge. I've yet to see anyone mention the possibility that the Rapture is coming and the good Reverend knows the people left behind will need leadership. Since it's a pretty safe bet the Clinton's will be among the group left behind, why not give them a recommendation. The Clintons' charisma and leadership abilities have been proven time and again; maybe after the rapture the Clintons can help lead those left behind down the path of redemption and righteousness.

Just remember folks if the rapture comes, you read it here first. Hopefully I won't be around to gloat.

Its the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine......

Lawyers or Philosophers

Quite a few of the blogs I read on a daily basis are written by lawyers (or lawyers to be). Fistful of Fortnights, Feisty Repartee, the Llama Butchers, Oddybobo, and Random Pensees spring to mind (there's that Glenn guy too). I've wondered why so many lawyers also blog. If there was a common theme to their blogs it would be an easily answered question, however all the blogs above are as unique as the author.

From there my schitzo mind started to wonder why people dislike lawyers so much. Rarely do you find someone that doesn't appreciate a lawyer joke among my favorites:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

There's also the saying:

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

However if you spend much time reading the blogs above you'll soon realize the jokes above don't really apply to the bloggers mentioned. Those bloggers are all extremely devoted to their families and with the exception of one of them they're all respectable members of society (I'm not gonna name any names that would just be mean).

Then I realized the reason people like to pick on lawyers is because people with MBA's aren't in one particular field. After spending two and a half years in graduate school getting my MBA I realized that a majority of them would make the most dishonest, money grubbing, slimy lawyer look like Mother Theresa. Seriously folks most of the MBA's I know would push their own mother down a flight of stairs if it meant a promotion.

My mind rambled a bit and I started to realize that much of the distain we have for lawyers comes from us having to admit we need help. In general I've found that most people hate to ask for help; especially to resolve a situation we've screwed up. Personal observations have lead me to believe that once we've shit the bed we're typically not happy until we've also to flung poo into the ceiling fan trying to take care of the problem ourselves. We'll finally quit when we're neck deep in our own crap with no way out and we call somebody else to clean up it up. It's that moment of being helpless, when we realize that we can't solve the problem and we've made it worse, that causes us to loath lawyers.

Thinking back to the philosophy and law courses I had in college I started to realize the main difference between the philosophers of yesteryear and lawyers is the spelling. I'm sure there were chariot chasers in Ancient Rome, who must have been considered the scourge of the philosophy profession as ambulance chasers are at the bottom of the law profession. There are also great lawyers that help to improve our daily lives through interpretation of the constitution (granted the Supremes screwed up earlier this week); however they tend to get it right most of the time. I know I wouldn't want to be the one making decisions setting legal precedent with ramifications for centuries to come.

I wondered if Socrates knew he would be quoted for centuries and if he knew he would be so influential even in today's teaching methods. Then I started thinking about philosophers and philosophy in general and I thought about Mel Brooks playing the roll of a standup philosopher in History of the World Part I.

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a BULLSHIT artist!

And I realized philosophers and lawyers are pretty much the same profession separated by a couple of hundred years.

Ping that thing

As I was perusing my blogroll last night I noticed that several of my daily reads were showing that they hadn't posted anything in the past month.

I remembered a post that Kelley of suburban blight had written earlier regarding the same topic. I'd already set my blog to do this when I first moved over to MuNuviana and Movable Type and being the selfish SOB I am I figured most other folks had done the same (sorry I'm a geek and at times assume most others are too).

Then I walked through the to set it up in Movable Type steps and sent it to Harvey (as a belated blogiversary present) and a couple of other folks. They were appreciated so I figured I'd post it here also, spreading the gospel according to Kelley and Harvey so to speak.

When you log in to Movable Type, click Weblog Config. Then Click the Preferences Option. From there scroll down and make sure you're notifying blo.gs and weblogs.com when you update. In the Others box add the following lines if they aren't already there.

http://rpc.blogrolling.com/pinger/
http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping

Note: The two sites mentioned above are the sites bare minimum sites I would recommend you ping.

In the extended entry Via Harvey Via Physics Geek, the ultimate ping list from Emily of How To Blog:

http://api.my.yahoo.com/RPC2
http://api.my.yahoo.com/rss/ping
http://bblog.com/ping.php
http://bitacoras.net/ping/
http://blog.goo.ne.jp/XMLRPC
http://blogdb.jp/xmlrpc
http://bulkfeeds.net/rpc
http://coreblog.org/ping/
http://ping.blo.gs/
http://ping.cocolog-nifty.com/xmlrpc
http://ping.rootblog.com/rpc.php
http://ping.syndic8.com/xmlrpc.php
http://ping.weblogs.se/
http://rcs.datashed.net/RPC2
http://rpc.blogrolling.com/pinger/
http://rpc.pingomatic.com/
http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping
http://rpc.weblogs.com/RPC2
http://topicexchange.com/RPC2
http://www.a2b.cc/setloc/bp.a2b
http://www.bitacoles.net/ping.php
http://www.blogpeople.net/servlet/weblogUpdates
http://www.weblogues.com/RPC/
http://xmlrpc.blogg.de/
http://www.blogroots.com/tb_populi.blog?id=1
http://xping.pubsub.com/ping/

Raging RINO's

Not really being a fan of the Extreme Right, and definitely not being a fan of the Extreme Left I've wondered aimlessly around the blodidodehexiwebisphere searching for a group of politically like minded bloggers.

Today, thanks to The Politburo Diktat my search has come to an end and I'm joining up with the Raging RINO's.

What the hell's a RINO you may be asking. Some folks like to think it stands for a Republican In Name Only. Somebody who someone who is a Republican, but still expand governmental control while limiting personal freedom's.

The Commissar describes a RINO as Conservative who might not want to drink the Party Kool-Aid on every single issue (ESCR, Schiavo, small government, fiscal responsibility, senatorial compromises, free markets/trade, pandering to Creationists, etc.). Thus there's a new TTLB Community.

Steve-O the LLama Butcher clarified what RINO stands for by the way. That would be Republicans wIth eNormous gOnads if you're too lazy to click over.

Me-me-me-me.............

I promised Miss Silk that I'd work on a meme a while back, then I got distracted (hard to believe I know) and almost forgot about it. Then Sir Dash tagged me with another meme, that I've been meaning to get around to doing, and well I kept getting distracted from completing it also.

Five Things I miss from Childhood (From Miss Silk)
1. Antagonizing my brothers on a daily basis. I'm sure most of you will find this hard to believe, but I was a tad bit of trouble maker in my younger days and got great joy out of tormenting my older and younger brothers.

2. Pellet Gun fights. For all of you screaming "You'll shoot your eye out kid", that's what Goggles are for. But alas when I went enrolled in college my safety goggles morphed into beer goggles and got be into quite a bit of trouble.

3. Saturday morning cartoons. I've tried watching the crap they have on network T.V. and I feel sorry for kids today. With all the touchy feely everybody wins crap that they're being fed it's no wonder they can't cope with a bad grade or loosing in sports.

4. Free Room and Board. When I was younger I couldn't wait to get out of my parents house. Now that I'm out and having to pay the bills I want back in. Oh how I long for the days of sitting on my arse and playing Nofriendo for hours on end. My parents always did a damn good job of keeping the Fridge and Pantry stocked with what I was looking to snack on, I don't do nearly as well as they did.

5. Most of all I miss innocence. I used to think that humans were inherently good, now not so much. I'd love to go back to the days when I wasn't wondering if the plane I was on was going to go down. I don't want to be concerned with how much life insurance I need to ensure the Wife would be taken care of if something happened to me on a business trip. I want to go back to the days when metal detectors weren't requirements in schools. When a fight was over when you shook hands and you didn't have to worry about somebody pulling out a pistol or knife. Man how I feel sorry for today's youth.

"Five things society at large enjoys, but that I just don't get..." (From Sir Dash)
1. Ill mannered children. Judging by the number of children roaming everywhere I've traveled as of late people in general must thoroughly enjoy watching their kids misbehave.

2. Putting up with bitter shrews. With the number of middle aged women bitching at anyone and everyone that will listen a majority of society must enjoy these people. Eventually some woman's husband will more than likely whip my ass because I'm not willing to tolerate somebody being a hateful bitch. A prime example: Several months back I was at Lowes and there was a battle ax standing in line berating the young girl working the register. I'm not 100% sure what the woman's problem was, all I know is her incessant yapping was getting louder and the checkout girl was about to erupt in tears. As I stood there in line I'd heard all I could handle and interrupted the woman to ask her "Who'd lit the fuse on her tampon?". She was none too appreciative and started to set in on me, that's when I explained to her that'd I would never hit a lady; but I don't have any problems punching a bitch. For some reason she left.

3. Feminine hygiene product commercials. Is it really necessary to advertise these products on Tee Vee. Maybe I'm being callous, but if the stench from your nether regions empties the room you just entered I'm pretty sure you'll find the appropriate products to take care of the problem. As you can imagine I have a fairly vivid imagination and don't want to the mental images of a yeast infection while I'm eating my grilled cheese sandwich.

4. People's fascination with the crime of the day. I've never understood why people become so truly engrossed with the aspects of an Individual's trial. Prime examples, OJ, Michael Jackson, The Run Away Skank Bride (whatever her name is), Lacy Peterson and now it's Natalie Holloway. I'm not trying to be an Ass here. I truly hope they find Natalie Holloway and bring her home safely. I just don't see why the media feels compelled to focus on only her. Couldn't the time be better spent airing photos and details of the thousands of other missing children? Couldn't the time and effort wasted covering Michael Jackson's case have been spent tracking down the thousands of other pedophiles actively raping children? I don't get why the media and people choose to focus on one aspect that has nothing to do with them when they could be thinking big picture and solving problems that could potentially affect their family.

5. Postitots. What the hell are parents thinking allowing their pre-teen daughters to leave the house wearing clothes that would make a stripper feel naked? Parents you don't have to buy your children clothes that leave nothing to the imagination. Yes your darling little angel is adorable, but I don't want to be able to count the dimples on her ass cheeks. Yes I blame the parents since your average 9 - 12 year old doesn't have their own money to buy stripper wear. Take some responsibility for your child's action now or you can truly expect to be raising their child also.

I'm supposed to pass these on to several people; however a majority of the blogidohexiweb has already responded so I won't directly name anyone. If you haven't tag you're it. You may also feel free to leave your rants in the comments.

There I'm done, now more distractions.

Toodles.

Lies, Damn Lies, and .....

Ah yes another Tuesday another topic for the Demystifying Divas and the Men's club. Today's topic: The lies told to significant others. As I do every Tuesday when discussing these topics I shall enlighten you with the Truthfulness of a Michael Moore documentary and the sincerity of a Tom Cruise wedding proposal.

Everything I have said is a lie, including this.

I'm guilty of it, am I ashamed, well a bit; however I've never intentionally lied to the Wife or some one I was dating, it just happened that way. I'm sure the ladies out there are thinking, that lying SOB is really going to say he doesn't intentionally lie to his wife. Well for what it's worth I don't. There's no reason for me to lie and is able to pick out when I'm not telling the whole truth. I'd hate to see her reaction if I were to try an outright lie. Knowing this the Wife as come to realize that if she doesn't want an honest answer, she need not ask me the question (it also goes without saying that tact isn't one of my strong suits).

Why do people feel compelled to lie? Maybe you're trying don't want to hurt a friend's feelings, maybe you're trying to get somebody naked, maybe you just don't remember the truth, the reasons are as varied as the individual situation.

The analysis of some of the common lies:
I'll respect you in the morning. Sure we have all intentions of respecting you in the morning (okay sometimes we don't). However when you become a willing and eager participant in a game of slap and tickle, on a shower curtain coated from head to toe in baby oil the respect factor drops a bit. Can you blame us for loosing a little bit of respect for sleeping with us the night we met?

That was by far the bestest relations I've ever had, when confronted with this question shortly after having the sex. In this case we're just trying to protect your fragile little ego and our family jewels. I mean could you handle the truth of knowing that you're little sister is better than you are in the sack? I didn't think so.

No I didn't spend a hundred dollars at the strip club at So and So's bachelor party. Technically this wouldn't be a lie as we never spend a hundred dollars at a strip club. Sure we've spent over that amount or just under that amount, but never exactly one hundred dollars. Being vague isn't a lie is it? Now if you ask for an exact dollar amount and if we know you're going to be pissed; well expect the bull shit to spew forth.

Telling the Wife I'm going to take out the trash / the dog / or anything else that involves me getting of my ass during the next commercial while you're watching the game. We really are planning to do whatever you've been nagging about; it's just better things keep getting in the way. For future reference if you have TIVO this excuse is worthless. The Wife has become quite fond of picking up the remote and pausing a show so I can help with whatever task I've been putting off for the past three days.

Since I'm rather common and you're excepting it I won't mention the: No darling that outfit doesn't make you look fat lie. It's just too predictable. Plus when someone has mistakenly asked me that question I preferred to point out that it is their ass, not the outfit making them look fat.

Sorry folks that it. That's all I've got. I really had more written until Kathy distracted me with an explanation that pudding wresting was possible whilst Sadie erased what I'd worked on. Silk and Chrissy came in to see what the ruckus was all about and it evolved into the royal rumble of lingerie clad pillow fights. Honest, that's the way it happened.

Would I lie to you?

Okay so I'm slack and non-creative today.

The these fine bloggers put their talents to use and shall help to keep you entertained. Be sure to click over and see what our Maximum Leader, the Wizard and Puffy have to say about lying. Then visit Kathy, Silk, Sadie, Sheila O'Malley (she's guest blogging for Chrissy) and Twisty.

A day late

Happy belated father's day to the fathers out there.

I like to thank my father for not giving into temptation and ending my life; as he must have been tempted to do on dozens of separate occasions.

For those of you snickering I could have be worse, I could have turned out like this waste of oxygen.

No surprises here

This quiz was found via the naked villains.

You scored as Hot. You are Hot, you scream and are wild, people love doing anything sexual with you. Hot 100% Wet 75% Exciting 63% Violent 50% Sweet 31% Soft 25% Awkward 19% Shy 6% What is your sexual style? created with QuizFarm.com

Not that you should be surprised by the results.

Well maybe we should be somewhat surprised that I outscored the Minister of Love Propaganda in the hotness department.

I'm just glad our Maximum Leader didn't score as soft and cuddly.

Madam Silk being soft and violent wasn't too terribly surprising though, no more whip marks please.

You may now listen to my theme song (probably not work safe).

Friday Links because I'm Lazy

Lazy and my boss actually thinks I should be getting some work done this morning. (Little does he know I'm filling his hard drive up with gay porn).

So on to people with meaningful content this morning:

Miss Feisty has the links to Take Two, Part Deuce up, I think you should read them too.

If you're looking for funny IMAO has the Carnival of Comedy.

If you're looking for a post so well written, so moving, so creative that it will boggle your mind go here. If she doesn't win a Pulitzer or at least get Insta and Jawa lanches out of this there really isn't any justice in the world.

An explanation of torture

Whilst I'm on the topic people in persistent vegetative states the jackass over at Kos (no I won't link there) has come out and said "The torture that was so bad under Saddam, is EQUALLY bad under U.S. command."

Once again today a fellow MuNuvian says it better than I could: Rusty has details and explains just what torture is.

** Ths photos are graphic folks so don't click over if you're eating lunch, breakfast or dinner. **

Hypocrisy abound

The release of Terri Shavio's autopsy has proven that Mrs. Shavio was in a persistent vegetative state. Baring divine intervention there was no hope for recovery, she was blind, she would have been unable to survive without a feeding tube, she was completely unaware of her surroundings and the Doctors that claimed she was responding to stimuli were quacks.

I never voiced my opinion on Terri Shavio, I didn't feel it was my place to say one way or the other. I still don't. The wife and I have taken steps to ensure this won't happen to us, thus I urge you now as I did several months ago to fill out a living will. You can find links here and here, if you haven't the resources to have a lawyer file one for you.

The one thing that continues to amaze me regarding Mrs. Shavio's case however is the people who blatantly accused Michael Shavio of murder are still sticking to their claims, even when medical science can't prove he did anything wrong. Actually I'm not that amazed as it was mainly ultra-conservative right to life groups distorting the truth to further their cause. In typical extremist fashion when things aren't going their way they have simply ignore the truth.

To those still riding Michael Shavio's ass: Leave the man alone, get on with your life or at least find another cause. Here's a question for the ultra-conservative: How can you argue against the sanctity of marriage when trying to save Terri Shavio, but for it when you're trying to prevent gay marriage. Sorry folks, but my moral standing just doesn't fluctuate that easily.

Doesn't this seem the least bit hypocritical to you? How will you react when the tables are turned, where the husband is the one clinging to a hope of recovery? I'm betting then you'll be arguing the sanctity of marriage then, how blissfully hypocritical of you.

As Confederate Yankee stated:

If nothing else, it comforts me somewhat to think it that Terri is in a better place now.

I’m not so sure about the rest of us.

With the whimsical morals of the supposed morally superior party I'm not so sure either.

I started to include points regarding the lack of response in this post as well; however Kathy at Cake Eater Chronicles does a much better job than I would have, go read her Random Observation post.

Importing

I'm in the process of importing my old blogspot posts
I've finished importing my old blogspot posts, so if things look strange around here it's because they are.

Thanks be to Pixy for fixing up the super duper importerer.

Birthday wishes

A toast to our Maximum Leader on his birthday:
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

If Our Maximum Leader has yet to receive his card I scanned it :

(click it for a larger view)

Card Layout shamelessly borrowed from sadie who also beat me to the punch at wishing Our Maximum Leader a Happy Birthday.

The right to bare arms

and bare legs and bare asses and pretty much anything else you can think of. It's Tuesday and the topic for the Men's Club and the Demystifying Divas: What is appropriate swim wear.

I devoted much of my time on the beach this past weekend to observing what people chose to wear. The Wife and I discussed the mater on a number of occasions and the best thing we could come up with is the people wearing what they shouldn't where they shouldn't were in the area on vacation and weren't planning to ever see the people they were visually accosting again. It's either that or their is a governmental regulation on the amount of material that can be used to make a swim suit. While we didn't run into anything nearly as horrendous as this guy, there were some that were close. See I've noticed that past a certain point as the size of the person increases the bathing suit stays the same, it's just their sense of shame that degenerates.

We discussed it a bit more as we were eating at various restaurants away from the beach (several miles away) and noticed people coming in without first going to their abode and changing. A couple of the places with out door patios allow them to sit outside, others without an out door area explained what the appropriate attire was. Some of them got upset and made a scene, some of them shook their heads and hurried away. The thing that got, and still gets, to me is what the hell were they thinking in the first place.

So I decided it was time to create phin's guide for swim wear:
1. Cover your ass. Whether you're 18 with ass you can bounce a quarter off or 60 with an ass you can hide a herd of midgets in keep it covered. Nobody wants to see your ass cheeks hanging out of your swim suit.

2. If you feel the need to ask someone if your bathing suit is too small or if it makes your ass look fat. It is and it does. Don't put that person in an awkward situation by asking them and most defiantly don't offend people by wearing it out in public.

3. Men with abnormally hairy chests shouldn't wear large gold chains to accessorize their chest hair. I promise you it isn't pretty, it is grotesque and you aren't going to meet the Coors Light Twins dressed like that.

4. If you aren't going to shave or wax your bikini line, don't wear a bikini or anything else that reveals your thighs. Period. Nobody finds the throw rug protruding from your swimwear attractive.

5. The people pointing and laughing at you on the beach aren't laughing with you. You've either had a wardrobe malfunction or you didn't understand the first four steps.

6. Swim wear is made for the beach or the pool area and shouldn't be worn outside that area unless you are heading directly too or from said area. Even if a city is named Whatever Beach. This means you can't head from the beach to a restaurant five miles into town wearing your swim suit and expect to be seated. Unless you're headed to the Nascar Cafe at the Redneck Riviera, then it's expected (and don't forget to keep a Marlboro hanging from lips at all times).

7. Wrapping a towel around your waste and putting on a T-Shirt doesn't make your swim suit appropriate either.

8. Don't leave your sense of decency behind when you put on a bathing suit. People with small children don't want explain the various parts of the human anatomy to their children on vacation.

9. Crack Kills

10. The only time a man should wear a Speedo is if he is swimming in the Olympics (and that's questionable).

11. Women that are Very Pregnant shouldn't wear string bikinis. Yes it's a wonderful time in your life, yes you have a glow about you, no I don't want to see your tummy that is now the size of a beach ball.

12. If you're comfortable wearing it, your friends aren't doubled over laughing and the family pet isn't gnawing at the draino bottle when you walk around the house in it, go for it.

Hopefully these guys didn't wear speedo's when they were blogging about swim wear:
The Foreign Minister of Naked Villainy is daring people to google for naked chicks.
Puffy aka Stigmata is still roaming around europe and will hopefully post pictures from the beaches.

These bikini clad bloggers are also discussing swim wear.
Silk is man thong blogging.
Chrissy says it's all about comfort.
sadie is searching for her bikini.
Kathy says who cares.

The guest Diva for the week Kate says it's anything goes on the Jersey Shore.

The Wizard is taking the Week off.

Bonfire Of The Vanities #102

basil is hosting the Bonfire Of The Vanities #102, so hop over and check it out he's done a great job.

While I was away

It seems I picked the wrong weekend to be without internet access.
Kathy, Gordo and sadie broke out the yearbooks and reminised about Blogistan High.

At least Steve-O waited until today to declare war.

Queen of Feisty, guest blogging version 'splains to us what a girl wants, what girl needs .... Hint: It doesn't involve showing a lady your O-Face (Link is a sound file and may not be work safe)..... It really is all about the O isn't it?

Queen of Feisty, original feisty version, does a double take.

Confederate Yankee has tips on how to prepare for a Hurricane.

Pixy's stalking me. He's just off by a couple of dozen miles (If the picture is the same Creswell I'm thinking of he's within 50 miles).

Harvey wants toys this year for Father's Day and his Blogiversary. I'm thinking this will do nicely (link may not be work safe).

I always miss the good stuff.

Somethin's in the water

Many thanks to everybody that wished the Wife and I a happy anniversary.

We managed to slip away this past weekend for a trip to the beach. Some friends of ours loaned us their place for the weekend, as an anniversary present, and with the wife's addiction to the ocean and laying out on the beach it would have more than likely been a death sentence had we not gone.

We had a great time for the most part, only thing, no internet access. None, Zero, Zilch, Nadda. So the posts I'd mapped out on the way down got trashed, no need to post about current events three days late.

The town / beach area where we stayed was in Brunswick County, I'd describe it, but basil does a much better job. Well actually the Brunswick County locals make the residents of the bucket seem high class. They're truly a scary group of folks. The scariest is they must all be dropping out of school prior to sex ed or there's somethin' in the water. The wife and I noticed on our trips into town that if a female was of breeding age she was either about to explode, she was pushing a stroller and dragging a couple more youngin's or both.

Not that there's anything wrong with people in love having children, but at some point in time somebody's got to teach that crowd why they're having so many kids and that most folks wait until they get married to have their second or third child.

Needless to say the Wife had a great time, being around me that's a given. We spent some time on the beach, spent some time being amused by the yankee tourists and took a couple of trips to the Redneck Riviera. Not knocking Myrtle Beach the Redneck Riviera, well I guess I am, but why do people feel the need to leave all sense of common decency behind when they go on vacation? Maybe I've missed the memo that went out regarding the Myrtle Beach dress code and etiquette.

I mentioned no internet access right? I'm pretty sure I started going into withdrawals sometime around the second hour I realized I couldn't connect to the interweb. I was able to scheme and clear my otherwise fogged memory. spacemonkey said it best when he said not having internet access at the beach is like being comatose in a way, with sunburn. Sunburn ouchies.

More to come later after I catch up on work and reading.

Update: We did take precautions just in case it was something in the water (Well that and beach water kinda tastes / smells funky.), nothing but bottled water was consumed this weekend.

The greatest con ever

Four years ago today at Two O'clock in the afternoon I managed to pull off the greatest con ever.

I'm sure you're wondering what the scheme was, what could be so brilliant, what could top the IMAO Cat Blog, or Ana Marie Cox and Steve-O reproducing or an accredited university giving me both undergraduate and graduate degrees.

The scheme was my plan to marry well beyond my means and I was able to convince an extremely attractive, athletic and intelligent woman to marry me. And on June 9th, 2001 we were wed. To date it's been the greatest experience of my short life, I've matured (she told me just the other day I have the mentality of a four year old as compared to a two year old when we first got married), I've become a responsible member of society (that's right the cats litter box gets cleaned by you know who and she only has to tell me to take out the trash three times) and I've become fiscally responsible (I make money she spends it). To top that off she hasn't replaced me with the mail or milk man, yet.

I sincerely hope everyone reading this is able to experience the joy and happiness she's brought into my life over the past nine years. (To the men reading this I hope you find a woman that won't kill you when you take every chance to get that you got married on 69.)

Since we're planning to escape this weekend to celebrate, posting may be light as I'm unsure about the internet connection where we're staying. Thus I'll repost some older crap to keep you entertained, trust me I know how dangerous and idle mind can be.

Things every man should know

Being a simpleton as I’ve been told on more than once it doesn’t take much to amuse me. Often times I find things thoroughly amusing that my wife is appalled by. Having only been married a short time four years (wonderful years if you’re reading dear and an eternity if you aren’t) there are several things I think every man should know.

• It is never intelligent to discuss your wife’s sister’s hotness with her, or the hotness of her friend (that is single and promiscuous) or the hotness of her mom.
• Referring to your wife as “Ol’ Hatefull” because she spouts off at the mouth every thirty seconds isn’t a wise decision.
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon is not an appropriate response to any question for any reason.
• It isn’t acceptable to pee in the sink, even if you move the dishes to the other side.
• If you have a dog and it is a female, you still can’t get away with saying you’re going home to spend time with the bitch.
• Using all the hot water for any reason prior to the misses taking a bath is equal to giving her written permission to remove your whozits, through your nose.
• According to some unwritten law attempting a covered wagon is grounds for a swift kick in the nads at a date to be determined.
• The answer to "Does this skirt, top, dress, etc.. make me look fat?" is never: well since you’ve mentioned it…
• or Nope, but your ass does
• If you’ve ever complimented your wife and she replies with: "daddy says I’m the best" you should be very concerned.
• I don’t care how hot her sister is you can't discuss it with your wife

It's just important that we learn from each other's mistakes right?

The house of women

I live in the house of women. It's me, my wife, her 3 cats (all female), my boxer (also female) and my 19 year old sister in law. I’ve always respected my father in law; but it has been during the past several months of my sister in law living with us while she goes to college that I’ve realized the hell he must have lived through with three daughters. Now that I have his oldest and youngest living in my house I realize just how little my opinions matter.

There’s just way too much estrogen running though the house and me being the simpleton that I am, well I say some pretty stupid things, and now I think they’re planning to neuter me. Below is a list of things that sounded funny at the time:

• You’re going back for seconds again?
• I promise you that if the clothes in this house were shrinking, mine wouldn’t fit either.
• If you want your boobs to grow just rub a little toilet paper between them, it worked on your butt cheeks.
• If you don’t want me peeing on the seat leave it up.
• So when you say you're leaving does it mean you aren't coming back? Oh, you're just going to work, damn.
• Really, you can leave the seat up, I promise you won’t fall in.
• Those are what we call child berthing hips.

Me a deathwish, why do you ask?

Softball Blogging, sort of

The Maximum Leader recently posted about his new found admiration for collegiate fast-pitch softball. I often agree with the Maximum Leader and this time is no exception. My admiration for the sport however evolved somewhat differently.

The first year my wife and I were dating her middle sister was pitching for one of the local Babe Ruth teams; this was my first exposure to the world of women's fast pitch softball and for the most part competitive women's athletics.

I remember being impressed with the speed and accuracy her sister had while hurling one pitch after another, sitting down batter after batter, inning after inning. Those were the early days of fast pitch softball in our area and her dominating pitching lead to rules being created in the local Babe Ruth League limiting the number of inning the girls could pitch to give the opposing teams a chance.

Once she aged out of Babe Ruth and traveling softball after her freshman year in College I took a short break in attending games with any frequency. During that break I feel even more in love with my wife and we got engaged. During that time I also began to view her sisters as my own, for the first time I was able to experience the joys of life with sisters. (As a side note there are times I'm sure they haven't forgiven her for that.)

Then along came the baby sister's softball career. When she started her freshman year in high school my wife, then fiancée, had volunteered to help coach her volleyball and softball teams. Thus my attendance picked up once again. My admiration for women's athletics began to grow once again. That year my wife helped her baby sister hone her athletic skills, she often starting as a freshman on varsity squads and on more than she more she outperformed young women her upperclassmen. During her the summer of her freshman year my wife and I were married and we started traveling more and more to watch the baby sister softball, it seemed she was destined for follow in her older sister's foot steps and become a dominating pitcher.

Prior to the baby sister's sophomore year the middle sister took over coaching and as the wife took a job at one of the local middle schools. During that year my two sisters, the older teaching and coaching the younger, began laid the foundation for a dynasty. They started in volleyball and carried over to softball. They dominated the other area teams for the next three years with runs into the state playoffs each year; and each getting closer and closer to the state championship in both sports. My wife lead her teams (volleyball and softball) to undefeated seasons in both sports for the next two years.

My baby sister's senior year saw them go further in softball than any team had from their school. They found themselves playing in Raleigh for the regional and state softball championships one hot June weekend in 2004. They won their first game and the regional championship. The next game found them facing the returning champions from 2003; they lost that game 2 - 1. In the losers bracket they fought back to win their next game in extra innings and faced the state champions again, this time for the state championship. It turned out however it was not yet their time and they lost the game 1 - 0. All things considered however it wasn't a bad run for the two sisters. They had combined for a Conference record of 30 - 0, three conference championships, one regional championship and a state runner up title during the three years they were teamed up.

This past year brought even more changes. My wife and I were elated when the baby sister accepted our offer to live with us while she attends college. The wife completed her first season as women's basketball coach for one of the local community colleges. She finished the season out with a winning record overall, second in the conference and second in the conference tournament. A record that is fairly impressive considering it was her first year coaching and the first year the college had women's basketball program.

The baby sister was offered and accepted an athletic scholarship to play softball at one the local community colleges. Her domination from the mound lead to her to be voted onto the All Tournament and All Conference Teams as well as being chosen the Region's Most Valuable Player Title.

The middle sister, with unfinished business from last year, coached her softball team back to state championships and finished what she started. She brought home her first state championship and finished out her first four years with a record of 39 - 1 in conference play, an impressive run to say the least.

To say I have learned to appreciate women's sports would be an understatement. The past several years I have watched my wife and sisters grow as people and I appreciate them letting me be a part of the game. I have been able to travel throughout North, South Carolina and Virginia watching my baby sister grow from a girl who was unsure of herself and her athletic abilities into one of the most dominating pitchers and beautiful young women on the east coast. I've watched my middle sister, who is often quiet and reserved to a fault take a commanding presence on the softball field and volleyball court that any professional coach would envy. I've watched my wife worry that she was doing the right thing by the girls as she surpassed the expectations of almost everyone around her, I for one never doubted her abilities. (If you're wondering why I didn't comment regarding my wife and middle sister's looks they were already gorgeous when I met them.)

Since I grew up in a household laden with testosterone, I have two brothers and no sisters; I was never truly exposed to women's athletics. To say a whole new world has opened up to me would be an understatement. I often find myself in awe of women athletes, not just because many of them are hot, but because they truly understand what the game is about. Women simply have a better understand of sport.

As The Maximum Leader said: "Frankly, all these women seem to have their mind in the moment of the game to a degree you don't often see with many men players. Male professionals at any rate." I couldn't have said it better myself.

If you're even the slightest bit of a sports fan and haven't been following women's sports I would urge you to attend a couple of games. I'd be willing to bet you'll find the experience almost as rewarding as I have, not quite, but almost.

Another sordid night

It was yet another sordid night in TTLB's ecosystem. It seems that I forecast it right when I said Steve-O was setting his sites on The Huffington Post. Well last night it was mission accomplished as The LLama Butchers managed to tame the shrew and mount Arriana.

The photographic evidence is below, and remember folks pictures don't lie.

Poor Robbo, I'm not sure how Steve-O managed to rope him into his sick and twisted games.

Reports have been released that Steve-O was last heard saying "If you can't beat'em out breed'em!"

Congratulations to the LLamas on another successful conquest, you may now report to the nurse's station for the customary shot of penicillin.

Don't tell me no lies....

It's Tuesday, which means it's time for another round of who's line is it anyway episode of the Men's Club and Demystifying Divas. This week's topic: Once a flame of a friend becomes available, is that person "forever" unavailable to other friend.

I've never had a problem with a friend of mine dating a girl I had gone out with. Not that it's happened very often as most my friends all realized that I until I met my wife I had a knack for picking out crazy. Not just run of the slightly off balance, I'm talking medicated crazy. So needless to say once I'd figured out they were crazy my buddies had figured it out too. As a wise man once said, "All women are crazy, it's just a matter of degree", who he is remains a mystery as the women in his life have hidden his body and erased all semblance of his existence.

There are times it's unacceptable however to ask for permission. If they've just been through a nasty break up there really isn't a need to pour salt into the wound by asking their permission to date.

Yes you have to ask permission, it's just common courtesy. There is a direct correlation between how long they've dated, how long you've been friends and how long you have to wait before you can got out with them. If the relationship was serious (marriage, engaged, long term) only a super putz would ask permission to hook up with a friend's ex. One of the main reasons you've got to ask permission, is you run this risk of getting your feelings hurt as well as permanently damaging a friendship.

As I previously mentioned I dated a girl that was kinda crazy (if you missed it and don't feel like reading it she was really to get married after two months and I wasn't). When we parted ways it was a less than amicable breakup. She bumped into a drinking buddy of mine a couple of weeks later and they started dating. Then one night while out at one of the local watering holes they showed up. He was embarrassed, I didn't give a damn, she came over and tried to make me jealous. Her bit didn't work, she got mad, started crying and he just assumed I'd called her a nasty skank or worthless hussy or psycho bitch and jumped to her defense.

Now I'm a fairly passive guy, I was raised not to start a fight and I can count the number of physical altercations (other than scuffles with my brothers) I've been in on one hand . But I was also raised not to back down from one either. He kept pushing the issue thinking I was pissed, when I explained to him that I really didn't give a damn, that they were both worthless as tits on a bull and made for each other he got mad and took a swing at me. The one thing I regret is I never got a punch in, my buddies were on him before I had a chance to react and he received a good ole southern ass whipping. Which is the proper punishment for breaking Rule #10 of the Official Guy Code: Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return, is required to grant it. Shortly after that little incident she broke things off with him we talking things out over a couple of beers and went our separate ways.

The problem was the trust was broken. Which is why you need to speak to your friends prior to boinking their ex. Had he let me know I'd have happily said go for it and the whole little incident would have been avoided. As most adults know relationships are built on trust. If you're doing something you have to keep secret from you friends, especially a close friend, then you ought not be doing it to start with.

I'll leave the gentlemen readers with one final bit of advice:
Always remember in South Carolina and West Virginia Rule #5 of the Official Guys Code of Conduct also applies: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, even if your buddy did break up with her, it's still unacceptable to ask his permission to date her. Plus if she isn't good enough for her own family she isn't good enough for you.

For more enlightened views:
The Wizard found out his best friend broke the guy code.
Stigmata aka Puffy is offering monkeys for anyone brave enough to date his exs.
Smallholder of the Naked Villains is polishing his report.

Kathy has some not so fond memories of goombahs.
sadie says to kick the garbage to the curb.
Silk says don't even go there.
Chrissy says that women very merrily married.

Ahh yes

Via sadie, the Naked Villians and the Llama Butchers.

I am:

An Elvis man, you like you women dangerous and your steaks bloody. You often get wrapped up in landscapes and fail to realize the danger you put yourself into. Don't get cocky, and don't get caught. It might be good to lay off the drugs every once in a while. Just a suggestion. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Not that anyone should find the results surprising.

I'm just wondering if Mia,the Wolf, Butch, the gimp Marcellus or Fabienne want some bacon?

Possibilities verses Probabilities

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend.

Something that will brighten men's days in their darkest hours.

An epiphany that could only be compared to the creation of the wheel.

What you may ask did I find so enlightening?
That a lingerie clad pillow fight may be only a heart beat away. That right, 'tis always a possibility.

Sure it's not very probable, but there's still hope for images such as these:

There is still hope that we may one day we may bear witness to the Bush twins dueling with pillows wearing only in their unmentionables and a smile.

Hope exists that we may one day see action such as this live:

View the movie

More tests

Via the Llama Buthers:
Your "Empathy Quotient" Test Score is 20:
0 - 32 = You have a lower than average ability for understanding how other people feel and responding appropriately. Most people with Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism score about 20. On average, most women score about 47 and most men about 42.

Your "Systemizing Quotient" Test Score: 50
40 - 50: You have an above average ability for analyzing and exploring a system. On average women score about 24 and men score about 30. Most people with Asperger Syndrome or high functioning autism score between 40 - 50.

So folks if you're starting a pool of what the hell's wrong with me the winner is either Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism.

Robbo when you finish with your appointment, see if they have an opening for me.

Under Attack

It seems that Mustang 23 has been attacked by the Beef Jerky Nazi and was forced to form Bloggers for Beef Jerky.

Since it's always best to know who and what you're up against when going into a battle, Bloggers for Beef Jerky presents to you an Exclusive Photo of the of the Beef Jerky Nazi.

All those years of Tofu and Evian must have finally gotten to him, because those defiantly aren't military issue fatigues.

And the family resemblance is irrefutable.

Had to be embarrassing

I've had some embarrassing moments, but it really had to be a blow to a skank's hussy's blogger's Arianna's ego when Al Franken found the thought of sleeping with her laughable.

Note: No photoshoping was required as the image was pulled directly from Arianna's photo gallery. Also note I'm not a hotlinking bandwith stealing skank.

The Music Meme

Jim hit me with the Music meme and being a good Snooze Crew&trade employee I've finished it.

Total volume of music files on my computer: Home: about a gig, at work none.

The last CD I bought was: License to Chill - Jimmy Buffett.

Song playing right now: We don't listen to music at work. The simple minds I work with get distracted by noise. That and they squabble like little bitches over the type of music.

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
The Weather is Here I Wish You Were Beautiful - Jimmy Buffett: The story of my love life (prior to meeting my wife).
One Particular Harbor - Jimmy Buffett: First song I heard at a Buffett Show.
The Ballard of Spider John - Jimmy Buffett
Pacing the Cage - Jimmy Buffett
The Walk - Sawyer Brown

I'm supposed to pass this on to five people, so if you're reading this and haven't done it yet, TAG.

Carnival of Comedy

RightWingDuck has the Sixth edition of the Carnival of Comedy up at IMAO.

You can find funny there, since there isn't much here today, yet, I don't think.

Chivalry ain't dead

I've been debating whether or not to post regarding women being involved in direct combat roles.

There is s reason that I haven't seen very many people cover, and it could be considered a sexist issue, so I'll apologize in advance for being a pig. Actually I won't, if you don't like it, tough, get over it.

There are certain gender based roles that as a race the two different sexes fill. Men typically don't have strong maternal instincts; it's just a fact of life. Men are typically considered the protectors of the family, yes it's sexist and yes I realize that women can provide for a family just fine. That isn't my point. There are gender roles that our brains are hard wired with, they're the most primal of our urges, like the urge to reproduce. We simply can't change the urges just because it's the politically correct thing to do.

I haven't served in any branch of the military, so I don't have any personal experience to draw from. However I have talked to several people that have served and their opinion is the same as mine; the urge of a man to protect a woman isn't something that can be "un-trained". If nothing men are extremely predictable beasts, we'll often put ourselves in harms way to protect a woman.

For example: In college I was heading home late one night, when I stopped at a stop sign and saw a guy beating the crap out of what I presumed to be his girlfriend. Without any further thought I backed my truck over the curb, into the parking lot and got out. The girl was maybe 5'2" all and 100 pounds soaking wet, he had to be close to double her size and by the time I reached them he was open handedly beating the hell out of this girl.

He hadn't paid any attention to me pulling into the parking lot or approaching them, so I hollered at him and when he turned I laid him out. I hit him harder than I'd ever hit anyone in the twenty some years leading up to that point. When I hit him the skin on my knuckles and the meat on his nose pealed back, yet for some reason I didn't stop. As he hit the ground I was on top of him. I'm not sure what happened after that. See I got in a couple more shots before I was laid out myself.

Apparently the girl who had seconds before been screaming bloody murder didn't care for me evening things up. I'm not quite sure what she hit me with; all I know is she split my cheek and damn near knocked me out. As I was getting up off the ground, she was helping him up and into their car where she drove away.

Now I'm not recounting one of the more humbling, yes getting knocked on your ass by a 100 pound woman is very humbling, moments of my past to speak of my own chivalrous virtues. If I am willing to place myself in such a situation, how are our soldiers going to react when they see a female in harms way?

Are they going to take risks they otherwise wouldn't take? I know had it been two guys in that parking lot I wouldn't have been about to recount the story above.

What happens when it comes to a P.O.W. situation? How are our solders too react when they see one of their female colleagues being beaten or sexually assaulted. Imagine the mental abuse they would suffer knowing they could prevent a woman from being raped if they were to divulge information that may or may not be useful to the enemy.

Call me sexist I don't care, but I do not see how you can expect a soldier who voluntarily signed up to risk his life to protect those back home will be able to treat a woman as just another body on the battle field.

Maybe the problem is certain people have become accustomed to letting women do their dirty work.

Maybe certain people don't mind hiding behind a woman's skirt if it keeps their Ivy League ass out of a fight.

It isn't about competency, it isn't about women being unfit for service and it isn't that some women aren't physically capable of doing the job. There are some physically fit enough to drag a wounded 200 pound marine off the battle field, not many, but some. It's just that a majority of our soldiers haven't been pussified to a point they would idly sit by and watch something bad happen to a woman.

Sorry folks like it or not Chivalry ain't dead and placing women along side men on the battle field is a bad, bad idea.

Send complaints here.

You are my Sunshine

I was thinking, yes I know you find that hard to believe, after posting the picture of Steve-O and Wonkette's love child that folks might start to get the wrong impression about me. That all I do is poke fun of bloggers more successful than I am. Well it would be rude of me to pick on somebody that wasn't as smart or as successful as I am (plus they're few and far between) and I do write something somewhat unique on occasion that doesn't poke fun at other people. So I figured I'd share something with y'all that got me tickled today.

See I was reading this post and it reminded me of one of the many reasons I love my wife.

Go ahead and read the post and the comments. I'll wait for you to get back.

Okay, finished? Really go read the post, if you don't you're gonna be kind of lost.

As soon as The Lad&trade referred to a certain someone a sunshine, I got tickled and started laughing. I tried to control myself and well I ended up giggling like a school girl. The last part of the post is what had me laughing like an idiot. Just about anytime I hear someone refer to their significant other as sunshine it brings back the memory of Valentines Day last year.

The wife and I normally don't go out to eat on Valentines Day, typically I cook something at the house and we watch a movie that involves me calling Brad Pitt a pillow biter or Tom Cruize a butt pirate; however since that particular V.D. was on Saturday we decided to go out to eat after running some errands. Big mistake, even though we'd left the house early each restaurant we checked had at least an hour wait and I'm just not a patient person.

So we're riding down the road and we pass a Hooters. Being a smart ass I asked the wife if she'd want to eat there. Her reply "Sure we haven't been there yet I wouldn't mind trying it". Hmm, I quickly tried to figure out the number of ways it could end badly and well, the numbers were astounding. I kept driving, she said she really wouldn't mind going to Hooters so we turned around and went back. There may have been five or six other couples in the restaurant.

We sat down, ordered drinks and food, the entire time I tried to keep my eyes locked on the wife's. I wasn't about to be caught checking out a scantily clad waitress on V.D. As the Wife and I were talking I noticed the waitresses pulling bar stools out to each of the booths and tables where some poor ingert rascal had decided to take his wife out to Hooters on V.D. Well once all the bar stools are lined up the waitresses, which had the men who'd brought their wives / girlfriends in outnumbered two to one, walked to each of the tables and proceeded to pull us from our seats and ask us to climb up on top of the barstool. Me I sat there like I was deaf and dumb, only half right though as I was pulled out of booth and given instructions to stand on the barstool until everyone else had mounted up.

Once we were all standing on the bar stools we were given instructions; we were to serenade the ladies we had brought in with us. If you're curious my singing abilities could best be described as the sound of a cat in heat being blended, it just ain't pretty. So there I was awaiting further instruction when the waitresses inform us we'd be running though the verses of "You are my Sunshine" complete with gestures until all of us got it right. Luckily it only took us a three or four of times and while we were singing the ladies were pointing, laughing and having a grand ole time.

I have to give it to the waitresses, they were brilliant. See they took a bunch of agitated women and joined forces with them to make asses out of us. And when it came time to tip (when I'm already fairly generous) the wife asked me to add more since she'd had such a great time. Damned skippy she had a great time, she wasn't on top of a bar stool making an ass out of herself. Needless to say that is one of her favorite stories, and she couldn't wait to leave the restaurant to call everybody we know to fill them in.

So when I'm poking fun at folks, it's cause they're defiantly smarter than I am. I mean they wouldn't take their wives out to eat at Hooters on Valentines Day would they? For those of you wondering yes I'm still married and no she hasn't hurt me (terribly bad) yet.

A new breed of blogger?

Yesterday Steve-O the Llama Butcher requested our help so he could climb on top of mount Wonkette (in the TTLB Ecosystem Ratings).

The good news is the mission has been accomplished.

Way to go Steve-O, congratulations to the Llama Butchers.

I'm pretty sure he's setting his sites on The Huffington Post, which as we all know will eventually shrivel up and go away. So he'd better act fast.

The one thing that I'm curious about though, is after a night of Steve-O on top of Wonkette action in the Ecosystem will there be a new breed of blogger running around in Nine Months? And will their blogchild look like this?

Note: Just in case you're concerned it's Steve-O dressed in drag, it isn't (This Time). You can tell by the pink bow in her hair.