That settles it

Honey we're hiring an Indonesian nanny.

If I turn up missing it's because the missus finally decided to start reading my blog.

Y'all really don't think I'd get away with this crap if she were an avid reader do you?

You gots no soul...

But you could have bought one on taobao.com (China's version of eBay).

Via Reuters:

A man in his late 20s in Jiaxing, a city near Shanghai, has attempted to sell his soul on Taobao, China's top online auction site, attracting bids from some 58 soul-searching buyers before the posting was pulled.

Mabye eBay will let him sell it, hell it could be a new market for them. Then you really could get IT on eBay.

all your prophets are belong to us

The third and most powerful Miracle Fish of Allah.

You must pledge your allegiance and make your peace offerings now (preferably in unmarked non-sequential bills, certified checks or money orders), else I'll fatwa your silly ass.

Remember the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Obey Phineous T. Goldphish.

Random Question #69874

Why do married men typically die before single me?

Answer below the fold:

Because we want to.

We're all a bit Indian

Confederate Yankee and Macktastick Rusty have bloged about the latest Pale Face who speak with forked tongue regarding his Indian heritage.

I think I'll sing:

One Little

Two Little

Three Little Indians

Four Little

Five Little

Six Little Indians

Seven Little

Eight Little

Nine Little Indians

Ten Little Indian boys bloggerlings

It's like a horror movie gone wrong.

I'll be having nightmares about The Attack of the Sagging Sweater Puppies!

Staring Drew Barrymore.
The Theme Song, My Globes Aren't As Golden As They Once Were, was written and performed by Mariah Carey.

Women Explained

Via e-mail the e-mail bucket: Woman- As Explained by Engineers
Finally - an explanation of Woman that makes sense to a man:

(click it for a larger view)

Potty Training Made Easy

Via Amazon: Scare the crap out of your family and friends with the Toilet Monster! Halloween isn't the only time for scary fun! Painted, rubberized Toilet Monster easily attaches or detaches to your toilet seat in seconds with 8 built-in suction cubs. It's nearly impossible to tell it's there under the lid, waiting to shock your unsuspecting victim!...

I think I'll purchase couple of these when the time comes; they really ought to help with junior's potty training.

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

From the virtual mail box:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and got laid a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Seasons Greetings

Since I don't have everybody in the blogidohexiweb's address I figured I'd send e-cards. As I was preparing to send out Seasons Greetings I stumbled upon this article on Yahoo News. Yes my faithful readers, all both of you, the title of said artile realy is: You've got mail, and maybe gonorrhea.

Seems there's a site inSPOT LA advocating the spreading of holiday cheer and warning folks of you've spread something else. So in their mailboxes they'll find:
Crabs for Kris
Syphilis for Samantha
Gonorrhea for Gail
Scabies for Scott
Herpes for Harriett
and
Molluscum Contagiosum (WTH is this a new one?) for Mary

Have I ever mentioned just how much I love the interweb?

(The "present" list links open up previews of the various cards available, all safe for work.)

Blue balls

Talk about a serious case of blue balls.

Get your mind out of the gutter, the link is 100% safe for work.
Did you really think I'd post something that wasn't?

A little...

Dear Minister of Propoganda,

Contrary to the rumors you've been spreading, this:

In light of this recent discovery, we've decided to pool our resources to purchase the shirt in the extended entry for you from t-shirt hell.

You should receive it just in time for Festivus.

A cat named Sparky

I've got a cat named Sparky.
He's got steel balls and no hind legs.*

* Actually Sparky is my parent's cat and he's has both hind legs, no balls of steel either.

Quick Question

<deathwish>

What we men do at our jobs five - six days a week is called labor. Why is the process of childbirth, something most women only go through several times in their lives, also called "labor"?

Maybe there's a reason for this whole "sexism" thing I've been reading about.

</deathwish>

Repent, the end is near

Via Madam Sadie we learn that I'm guilty of several of the Seven Bloggy Sins.

1. Using Blog Hosting Services.
Sorta kinda, but not really. The MuNuvain collective is a bit more than a blog hosting service. Why you may ask, because we've got Cheetos and Peanut Butter M&Ms.

2. Ignoring Basic Design and Accessibility Rules
Yep. I likes the way my humble home on the blogidohexiweb looks. Sorry if it doesn't conform to yer standards.

3. Lacking a Topical Focus
What is this topical focus you speak of? I had a rash one time that I treated with a topical ointment, is it anything like that?

4. Infrequent Posting
I'm semi-regular. Almost daily. Maybe I should think about increasing my fiber intake?

5. Writing Poorly
Who the hell promoted you to King O' England and master of the engrish rangrage?

6. Spamming via Trackback and Theft of Content
I though everybody liked spam. I prefer mine fried, topped with a fried egg, mayo and cheese.

7. Failing to Establish Personality
I'm pretty sure I've established multiple personalities, it's just nobody likes three of them.

I've see the error in my ways and I'm willing to repent, just let me know what I've gotta do. Really I'll do anything to get back in y'alls good graces.

Well almost anything. I fell for that peanut butter trick last time and it ain't happening again.

White men can't what???

So somebody thinks white men can't dance.

Oh how I beg to differ.

And don't even make me resort to the Daily Dancer!!!

Okay maybe they aren't the best examples. My specialty though is the Horizontal Mambo (see this previous post for proof).

Those opening lines...

A colleague and girlfriend of mine who is ten or so years older and who has very different tastes than I do was out and about with me in New Orleans a couple of years ago.

We were hanging out at this one bar listening to the Blues and being served by this very attractive bartender. At some point in the evening, my friend approached the handsome barkeep and engaged him in coversation.

Girlfriend: "You are a very handsome young man."

Bartender: "Thank you, ma'am. Is there something I can help you with?"

Girlfriend: "Yes...Do you have an older sister?"

Bartender: {{Only momentarily dazed}} "You are lesbian, aren't you?"

Girlfriend: "Yep. So, are you going to introduce me to your sister?"

PANTHER GATE Continued

What do you mean they weren't wearing their cheerleader outfits at the bar???

They were at least dressed up like a librarian and a catholic schoolgirl right???

I'm so confused…

*Shakes Fist Angrily* I'll get you Robbo The Lamabutcher the Fantasy killer.

Paris is burning...

It's a given that I have a warped sense of humor. So you really shouldn't find it surprising that when somebody mentions Paris burning I get amused.

Not amused that folks in France are being subjected to riots, nah, that's not terribly funny. It's the random thought that keeps popping into my mind:

Paris has burned plenty of guys:

And it's going to keep on burning everytime they take a leak.

Maybe Valtrex will help ease the sensation and stop the frequent outbreaks.

A fine line

Have you ever wanted to increase your animalistic prowess?

Does your significant other with you were more of a beast in the bedroom?

Why are the LLamas always grinning?

These questions and many more answered in the LLama's Guide to love making:
The Art of Llama Sutra®

Warning: The information in the extended entry will change your life forever. To view the Llama Sutra® Art of Hypnosis in action get clicking to view the extended entry.

Note: It's often been said there's a fine line between Genius and Crazy. If there was ever a chance of me landing on the genius side of that line it's passed.

I'm pretty sure I've crossed into the land of the unknown. Maybe the folks in white jackets will be nice enough to loosen the straps on my jacket long enough for me to check e-mail every now and then.

Hat tip: Confederate Yankee for the LLama Sutra phrase

Steve-Ohhh

Clicky the picture for the explaination.

Seekrit message to Steve-O: that wasn't guac in the baby diaper.

We've got a bleeder...

I was sitting in my office about thirty minutes ago working (well acting like I was working) and I hear a blood curtailing scream. What I imagine it sounds like when someone's toenails are being ripped out, it was damned near deafening. It was then following by a couple more screams, yelps of pain and sobs.

As I scrambled out of my office to find out what was going on another coworker and I discovered the screams were emanating from the little boy's room. We weren't sure what the hell was going on and upon questioning the occupant we learned that another co-worker, let's call him Francis, had managed to catch himself in his zipper.

Seems he was trying to decide his next course of action, the door still shut and locked, when he figured the zipper had to come down at some point in time. Poor bastard, I'm sure removing himself from the gene pool wasn't on his list of things to do today.

All this time folks were wondering about Darwin's theories on evolution and I've got a prime example right here in my office. If you're wondering, no we didn't wait for him to leave before we started laughing. Hell we were calling him zippy as he walked out the door, to chants of "Franks and Beans".

The title of this post, beside making reference to us having to douse the restroom floor with Clorox to clean up the mess he'd made, it also an obscure quote from There's Something About Mary (the "Franks and Beans" quote was a bit more notable).

repent while there's time

Seems there's been a whole lot of sinning goin' on lately!
Y'all best repent.

Or at least get a cool theme song, like drivin n' cryin's - I'm going straight to hell.

Hey yo fat girl

Are ya ticklish?

I saw this picture of Billy Boy's former mistress

And a quote from this guy comes to mind



"Get In My Belly!"

And the answer to everyone's question:

Yes, she swallows.
Apparently anything that doesn't swallow her first.

That damned things gonna kill me....

As I read this post by Acidman I couldn't help but think back to when I was working as a wrench monkey in a muffler shop shortly after graduating from high school. Every couple of months somebody would inadvertently drop a muffler and sever the air-hose we'd use to power the air-wrenches.

When the muffler would drop and cut the hose it would whip around, as Acidman said, "like it had a mind of it’s own". To the unsuspecting victim you might not think a rubber hose whipping around would be too bad; well that's until you put eighty pounds of air-pressure behind it. Then when the end of that hose makes contact it'll leave a whelp that won’t go down for days.

We'd hired a new guy, we'll call him George, and George had been there long enough to get smacked a couple of times by the hose so he should have learned from his mistakes. Well evidently it took a damn big mistake, which may have ruined his chances at ever reproducing, to finally teach him a lesson. See George was cutting the muffler off a car as usual, except one minor detail, he was straddling the hose.

When the muffler dropped it was like watch a slow-motion scene on T.V. as it fell and hit the tip of the air-hose releasing that whipping demon; a whipping demon that was trapped and had reared up betwixt Georges legs poping him at least twice in the nads before he hit the ground in the fetal position. As we scrambled to snatch the hose from the wall that damned hose popped George in the chest and head at least half a dozen times and left him looking like he'd gone a couple of rounds with Mike Tyson. Poor rascal wasn't sure what had gotten a hold of him.

Bad part was ole George never did learn his lesson and was constantly getting beaten by that air-hose, he just didn't straddle it anymore. The good part was I'm pretty sure Darwin came in and helped remove him, however unwittingly, from the gene pool.

Behold my brilliance

Finally my brilliance is on display for the blogidohexiweb to see!

No not the picture you kunckleheads, the caption.

The Leftists LLamas

I never knew the LLama Butchers were leftists. I bet those pinko commie sob's are even camped out in Crawford. And before Steve-O starts saying "We aren't leftists, promise we aren't".

I saw the LLama Butchers listed as lefties on Unpartisan.com Political News and Blog Aggregator, since it's on the interweb it must be true.

The proof is in the picture (click to enlarge):

Our Comrades new logo is stunning.



Is it me or is Steve-O starting to resemble somebody else?

Bow to my greatness

As if you needed proof of my superiority.

Get your position here

Shamelessly stolen from Eric – The Straight White Guy.

I knew it.....

I've suspected the wife has been blogging behind my back for a while, but never had proof, until now.

If one of those women isn't my wife I'll be amazed.

Fun with Sales Reps.

An impending trip to Vegas brings to mind one of the better practical jokes I've played on a co-worker. Well I can't really say worker since the target was a Sales Rep for our company, so we'll go with co-employee.

The co-employee had always fancied himself a ladies man. On trips and meetings he would slip his wedding band into his pocket and hit on any female between the ages of 18 & 80. Him being a manwhore was bad enough. The problem the owner and I had was his actions around clients (he'd hit on them too) and the way he oversold our products (nothing like an empty promise or having to work overtime to meet a borderline impossible deadline).

Anyhoo, we were holding a conference in Vegas several years back and a group of us were amused as said Sales Rep continued drank heavily and hit on any woman in site. After we'd closed down the entertainment suite, with an open bar, we dropped the highly inebriated sales rep off at his room. We made our way out of the casino and down the strip to see the sights of Vegas. As we walked down the strip we encountered several "ladies of the night". Well I wouldn't really call them ladies, I think crack whore might be a better descriptor. (Keep in mind that the oldest profession isn't legal in Las Vegas.)

After a bit of joking around we decided to slip some cash to a several of the ladies (at various intervals) to pay the Sales Rep a visit. Needless to say the Sales Rep wasn't quiet sure why he had working girls banging on the door to his room at all hours of the night. Never let it be said escorts don't have a sense of humor.

'twas bad enough the poor sap had drank himself into a stupor, with all the lady callers banging on his door though the night he couldn't really sleep it off. Somebody also put several ladies up to calling his room (which I had nothing to do with), so between the phone calls and hookers banging on his door he managed to get about two hours of sleep.

For some reason he didn't make the next conference we held in Atlantic City a couple of months later and within a year he'd decided to find another place of employment.

A death wish????

It seems that a certain LLama has a death wish.

At least that's the only thing I can think of to explain this, this and 'specially this.

Improvements in Hell

With the number of Lawyers & Lawyers to be that I read on a daily basis I had to post this:

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up
here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

This one's for Bill...

Since Bill of INDC Journal tends to get a bit cranky when he doesn't get to see Robbo the LLama Butcher "dressed", so I figured I'd post his fix.

Them boys are mean

I was shocked and appalled to learn that The Naked Villains have gathered at the Smallholder's Farm to celebreate the Christening of the Wee Smallholder. What an odd reason to celebrate and just how mean and sadistic can a group of grown men be?

I am truly concerned about our society when a group of families comes together to celebrate someone breaking a bottle of Champaign over a child's head.

You're all sick and mean.

update: Nevermind what I just said, mrs. phin just informed me that the Christening of a child does not involve the breaking of a Champaign bottle over the brow of a child.

Another sordid night

It was yet another sordid night in TTLB's ecosystem. It seems that I forecast it right when I said Steve-O was setting his sites on The Huffington Post. Well last night it was mission accomplished as The LLama Butchers managed to tame the shrew and mount Arriana.

The photographic evidence is below, and remember folks pictures don't lie.

Poor Robbo, I'm not sure how Steve-O managed to rope him into his sick and twisted games.

Reports have been released that Steve-O was last heard saying "If you can't beat'em out breed'em!"

Congratulations to the LLamas on another successful conquest, you may now report to the nurse's station for the customary shot of penicillin.

Possibilities verses Probabilities

I learned a valuable lesson this weekend.

Something that will brighten men's days in their darkest hours.

An epiphany that could only be compared to the creation of the wheel.

What you may ask did I find so enlightening?
That a lingerie clad pillow fight may be only a heart beat away. That right, 'tis always a possibility.

Sure it's not very probable, but there's still hope for images such as these:

There is still hope that we may one day we may bear witness to the Bush twins dueling with pillows wearing only in their unmentionables and a smile.

Hope exists that we may one day see action such as this live:

View the movie

Had to be embarrassing

I've had some embarrassing moments, but it really had to be a blow to a skank's hussy's blogger's Arianna's ego when Al Franken found the thought of sleeping with her laughable.

Note: No photoshoping was required as the image was pulled directly from Arianna's photo gallery. Also note I'm not a hotlinking bandwith stealing skank.

A new breed of blogger?

Yesterday Steve-O the Llama Butcher requested our help so he could climb on top of mount Wonkette (in the TTLB Ecosystem Ratings).

The good news is the mission has been accomplished.

Way to go Steve-O, congratulations to the Llama Butchers.

I'm pretty sure he's setting his sites on The Huffington Post, which as we all know will eventually shrivel up and go away. So he'd better act fast.

The one thing that I'm curious about though, is after a night of Steve-O on top of Wonkette action in the Ecosystem will there be a new breed of blogger running around in Nine Months? And will their blogchild look like this?

Note: Just in case you're concerned it's Steve-O dressed in drag, it isn't (This Time). You can tell by the pink bow in her hair.

Trying my patience

That damned fish is trying my patience. I explained to him last night that sadie was already spoken for and that The Lad probably didn’t appreciate his advances.

So he gets all pissed of and mopes around his aquarium for a bit. Next thing I know he’s painted his face and he thinks he's a dag damned mime. I tried talking to him, we've been blog mates for a while now, and he just writes out that he isn't speaking to me or anyone else ever again. Fine by me I didn't care for his smart mouth anyhow.

I've got to give him credit though; he's working really hard on his mime act. I just don't have the heart to tell him that it really isn't hard to act like you're trapped in a box when you're pressing up against the side of an aquarium, but his elevator routine rocks.

I'm pretty sure I've figured out a cure for his little “identity crisis” and if he doesn't get his act straight by tomorrow he'll find out what it is.

Not again

That damned goldfish's identity crisis has to end soon.

I tried reasoning with him yesterday, that didn't work. Then he got all huffy saying everybody was picking on him and nobody understands him.

What the hell does he expect when he redecorates in pink? Thanks for the backup guys, I truly appreciate it.

So I took the little sumbeech behind the woodshed, so to speak, and whooped his ass. After the beating he promised to get things back to normal, or as normal as they get around here. Problem is I came in this afternoon and he's wearing a gimp mask that he refuses to take it off and he keeps asking for spankings.

I'm betting he thinks that sadie finds him being masochistic sexy.

Damned goldfish.

A memo from the boss

Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

• Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
• Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
• Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
• Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.
• "Accidentally" Delete the Three Gigs of pornography on his work computer.
• Print out motivational phrases from despair.com and post them all over the office.
• "Accidentally" Replace the Two Gigs of pornography he downloaded after the Three Gigs were deleted with Gay Pornography.
• Ask for spankings a form of punishment if a deadline is missed
• "Accidentally" Replace the porn to replace the gay porn with pictures of kittens and puppies.
• Display this image on my desktop:
  
  Please remember to think about the kittins.
• Point all the desktop shortcuts on my boss's computer to the pornographic movies he's downloaded to replace the kittens and puppies.
• Play the Llama Song over the Intercom and leave for lunch.
• Ask customers: "Would you like fries with that?". (I work for a software company.)
• Use the phrase: "I like syrup!" anytime someone mentions a salad. If you need an explanation on this one, you won't get it from me, but you'll find more information on it here.
• Threaten to take a leak in the boss's gas tank if he doesn't give me the afternoon off to go fishing.

Note: Cross posted on Snooze Button Dreams.

Jim's purple hooter

I mentioned earlier that Jim from Snooze Button Dreams was headed out of town for a while. I promised I wouldn't host a comment party over there unless bribed by Harvey.

Well Harvey hasn't bribed me yet, so I figured I'd host a TrackBack party and an Image traveling party as well. With a little help I'd like to get bloggers from around the world to show Jim's purple hooter a great time.

If / when you decide to invite Jim's purple hooter to visit your blog, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the Official "I support Jim's Purple Hooter's Travels Tracker" page that I'm in the process of creating.

The pictures of Jim's purple hooter are below in the extended entry and should be work safe.

Eastern North Carolina, home of hot women & pirates, welcomes Jim's purple hooter.

Here's a copy of Jim's purple hooter that hasn't been doctored, feel free to manipulate him as you see fit:

Another successful con

I managed to con Jim over at Snooze Button Dreams that I wouldn’t foul things up to bad if he allowed me to guest host at his place whilst he’s away attending a wedding. So what’s that mean for the three and a half people that normally read my material? That there should be as twice as much worthless information and sometimes funny stuff being posted.

I won't reveal my plans to turn his blog into a bastion of gay midget porn until he’s well on his way to Spokane.

Hopefully he’ll receive the hotel warming gift I’ve sent.

Somthing ain't right

I can't really say I'm overly surprised by the results. I'm just surprised that I beat out zonker and Sadie, in the lust department no less. Something just ain't right.

Orgasm Day

A remote town in Brazil declared May 9th was Orgasm Day. As part of the service I offer to you, my valued readers, I decided to live blog the event from my fish bowl. I then realized that it wouldn't do much good with out pictures, I just got them back from the 1/2 hour photo (1/2 hour my tail phin) so here goes the live blog three days late.

Some of the pictures in the extended entry may be a tad bit disturbing, but should be work safe.

This is me sad, I've just realized that today is national Orgasm day and I'm all alone in my bowl.

Then the owner turned the channel to an Animal Planet documentary about tropical fish. Those angelfish are super hot and get me 'cited every time. Let's just say the temperature of the phish bowl heated up quite a bit.

Give'm your best O-Face is what I always say.

Well then I just went to sleep a happy phish.

I'll definitely going to have Orgasm Day marked on the calendar next year. Maybe I'll have a hot she-phish bowlmate by then so and we can try a twosome.

Hat tip: basil & Christina.

* O-Face sound bite shamelessly borrowed from: Office Space Movie Fan Site

BRAK 2005

Everybody's all up in arms about BRAK. I just don't get it.

What does Brak, a character from Space Ghost, have to do with the military and our government?



I thought he was just another character on space ghost.
Some people people are all scared that this is going to the Mother of All Braks. But what does this nice lady have to do with anything?

Update: Thats BRAC (Base Realignment and Closure) my bad.

The winds of change

The winds of change are they are a blowing.

Frank J. has posted a FAQ about the recent changes over at IMAO.

The one thing he doesn't answer is why IMAO has become a CAT BLOG.

Really IMAO has become a CAT BLOG; see for yourself!

Feral cat hunting tips

Always remember it's safety first.

PETA has started supplying Feral Cats with small firearms, so all feral cats should be considered armed and dangerous.

Feral Cat Hunting Tip #1: Always use a high powered rifle that had a greater range than your typical pistol. Sure it may be fun to get up close and personal when you're about to bust a cap in fluffy's ass, but what happens when you run across a cat like this one?

Click to Enlarge

Feral Hunting Tip #2: Shoot the cat with their paw on the trigger first. Feral Cats are agile hunters / killers. If you don't target the trigger cat first, they may swing the gun around and well then you're nothing but another statistic.

Click to Enlarge

Stay tuned.
More Feral Cat Hunting exclusives from phin's blog are on their way!!!

Update: Submitted to Carnival of the Cats

When things go wrong

There's been a lot of attention paid to Wisconsin's plan legalize the hunting of feral cats.

Animal rights' activists are being described as illogical, because they say it's "inhumane" to kill feral cats.

Click to Enlarge

They've all started chanting: "We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!"

The danger from feral cats is real. They may not have opposable thumbs but they're dangerous none the less. Just look at the picture, do they look like they're bringing a house warming present?

And just what are we supposed to do when they team up with the rabid monkey's that are plaguing Canada? Sure you haven't heard anything about Canada's plague; they're to busy covering up scandals and whining about the NHL season being canceled, but it's real. And monkeys have opposable thumbs, so with the two of them working together they could be unstoppable.

What happens next when it's all cat blogging all the time? Seriously folks this is a real threat. If you don't believe me just check the Democratic Underground or the Daily KOS, I'm sure the mothership is beaming information to them on an hourly basis.

New footage and information will be released we capture and interrogate these beasts.
Shamelessly linked to basil's breakfast menu.
Update: Submitted to & Accepted by Carnival of the Cats