You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.

Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD. *

Alternatively titled. Okay, so I lied, I didn't get back to a seminormal posting routine momentarily.

Alternative alternatively titlte. Why people like phin shouldn't be allowed to interact with the general public, reproduce, buy houses or do anything else that requires wearing anything other than boxers and occasionally a t-shirt.

Really, honest even, I didn't ever intend to take as long a break as I did, I just got, um, busy. I haven't really be away from the intertubes, I've just been else where, like here and of course here (but I've been missing from ab.com for a while too) and designing.

So where else has phinny been?

Well do you have any idea just how easy it is to acquire an extra house payment? Me, I didn't, at least until back in March. Apparently all it takes is making one phone call to the bank and signing a couple of forms. At least that's all it took for the wife and I to buy another house. Yeah, another, because we hadn't sold ours yet. Kind of a wee bit stressful considering we couldn't afford two house payments, but we couldn't afford to let the house we bought get away either. Ahh, never ending debt, the American dream.

Luckily, within a week of closing on the new house someone made an acceptable offer on the old house. Which was also bad because they wanted to close in ten days and we hadn't finished (really hadn't gotten started good) on the minor remodeling we were doing with the house we'd just bought.

Oh well, it all worked out in the end, there were just a couple of months when I was playing remodeling contractor at nights and on the weekend. The withdrawals from the paint fumes are the worst part.

I caught the phinlet huffing an empty paint can he'd stashed under his crib several weeks back, honest. It wouldn't have been so bad if he'd have shared with his old man, but he was bogarting the damned goods. So I put my superior physique to work and wrestled the can away from him. I might as well use the weight difference to my advantage while I have it right?

Between buying the house and now the phinlet turned one and is now 18 months old. Really it doesn't seem like that long ago we were in the hospital, times fun when your having flies or something right? I was hoping that I'd at least be able to match wits with the little guy until he was 5 or 6, sadly that ain't happening. I image its rough being outsmarted by the fruit of your loins when they're teens, I can attest to it being a major kick in the whozits if they're barely walking.

So, now that the house is kind of sort of done, for a while, and the number of design projects I have going on is manageable, I'm back, at least until I disappear again, which shouldn't happen, at least for a while.

Random thought for the day

Do the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series of books have the same meaning for militant vegetarians?

Applications being accepted

Old, stupid, fat, ugly, broke asexual prudes need not apply.

This is like the greatest dating / relationship advice ever, so I'm going run with it. Sure you're thinking to yourself. Self, phin's already married to a hot, well edumacated, fiscally responsible woman with an obviously high libido since she's the mother of the phinlet what more could he ask for? Simple I want it all quantity and quality, polygamy laws be damned.

Since Jacqueline, Jackie if you will, has set her lofty goals so high and she's what I'd consider to be on the low end of average attractiveness, and ace agrees, I being an extremely good looking manly man with a masters degree, a good job, who's physically fit, well traveled and hung like a hamster 'ought have no problem keeping multitudes of women sedated satisfied, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Now since I know upon reading this that you ladies panties have dropped to the floor and your ankles are appropriately back behind your ears I'll get on with the application process.

The normal stuff:

1. Name, age (no need in applying if you're over 22 or under 18 without parental consent), measurements and cup size.
2. Real or Surgically enchanted chesticals.
3. Type of car you own.
4. Type of car you'll buy me.
5. Do you rent or own your home.
6. Tattoos, piercing or other "body art".
7. Unique talents that would make phin happy.
8. Edumication (college degrees, certifications, etc...).
9. Income and assets.
10. Ability to pour on bullshit once you realize you've screwed the pooch.

Just don't forget to follow Christina Ricci's lead and be sure to send the uber-naughty pics when applying.

H/T: Venomous Kate.

Bloggy outrages

As you've noticed, or may not have, this and several other Moo Knew blogs have gone kerchew a couple of times lately.

Well rumor has it that a fresh batch of Manties arrived at the LLama Butcher's Shop and a cat Llama fight never before seen by man nor beast erupted when Steve-O tried to grasp all the pink lacies for himself. The ensuing slap-fest got quite ugly and one of them put their hoof through the server's power supply, and well it ain't been right sense.

Well that's the rumor anyhow, and well I'm not really one for spreading rumors.

Okay, so I'm full of crap, but new Moo Knew servers are on the way.

Busted

Now this ain't happened to me, but you know, I'm sure it's happened.

So there I wasn't standing in a line at the grocery when I didn't spot a really cute girl and by cute I mean smokin' hot.

You know if I hadn't been there I'd have seen her, but I wasn't there, honest.

While I wasn't standing in line I wasn't checking her out from head to toe. She'd have been wearing shorty terry cloth shorts and a tank top to help fight off the summer heat, if I had been there to check her out that is. Probably on her way home from the gym as the sweat tank top was still clinging ever so closely. At least that's how I'd have imagined it.

While I wasn't there and most definitely wasn't checking her out she didn't catch me gawking at her with my mouth wide open and tongue hanging out. I imagine it sure would have been all kinds of awkward for her watching as I couldn't look away and managed to miss the conveyer belt all together. Man that'd be horrible sure am glad it didn't happen to me and I'm really damn happy that the missus wasn't there to see it happen.

Now where are those chainmail underpants I ordered express mail anyhow?

Home repair difficulty rating systems

Me, I'm a fan of DIY repair jobs, the missus, not so much. Well she doesn't remind the DIY type projects, it's just she isn't so much the fan of me doing them. I personally don't think she's being understanding or caring when I turn the kitchen and dining room into a work-shop, but that's just me.

Earlier today we were discussing a couple of items on the "Honey-Do" list and I started explaining what all was involved and about how many beers it would take to complete the project. At first she seemed puzzled by my response so I explained it just a bit further, with examples.

A task such repainting the bathrooms is easily a eight beer project. One beer during the preparatory stage, three beers per bathroom and one beer during clean up. For something more complex, such as repainting the hallway and living room it's easliy a twelve pack project. Two or three beers during to remove the four-million pictures, spackle the holes and sand them smooth, two or three beers to prep for painting, four or five during the painting process and one during clean up. See really it's not a complex theory to grasp at all.

Satisfied that I'd thoroughly explained the process of evaluating project difficulty we made our way down her NEVER ENDING list. It's gonna be a long drunken summer folks, I'm just hoping my liver can hold out.

Some people never learn

The older you get the wiser you become, at least that's the lie we keep telling ourselves. So after thirty-one years, as of today, on this spinning ball of mud you'd think I've learned by now.

No I haven't been chastrated after my last post and the missus still hasn't kicked me to the couch. She, luckily, took the for better or worse part of our wedding vows seriously. Good thing too, 'cause there's a whole lot more worse than there is better. Now if I could just get her to remember the obey part I'd be all set.

I'm instead talking about my pal Murphy and his irrevocable set of laws. Primarily the least known law that states: Any project phin thinks will go smoothly will snowball into the shit hitting the fan.

Now of the background. Thanks to Uncle Bill and his merry band of midgets at Microsoft I'd been getting the Blue Screen of Death for about a week. The only option, reload Windows. Easy enough for a semi-non-retarded tech guru. So I decided to format the machine, copying all the needed files to a second drive, and while I'm at it setup a dual boot system running linux as well.

As I said, the best laid plans, etc...

Copying files, no problem. Using the Microsoft Transfer Settings Wizard, problem. The file they said looked great (and that I tested) tanked when it came time to use it. No biggie, I copied the settings from the backup that I'd made.

Next up, installing SuSE. Easy as pie, I like pie, only problem, I wanted SuSE to be the default OS and Windows doesn't like that. So I had to beat Windows into submission.

Anyhoo, I'm back up and running after two days of highly technical terms that mainly consist of four letter words strung together.

Regularly schedule delusions of grandure and marriage advice should continue any day now, right after I get a couple of designs wrapped up and the setting in Windows back just right (hell it only took two years last time).

Happily married

Theresa is looking for comments / experiences that lead to happy marriage. Now most of the suggestions were pretty good, but as I thought about it this afternoon I realized there was quite a bit lacking. So I present to you phin's guide to a happy and healthy marriage*:

Now the way I look at it there's two options. You can ether be a dandy boy and start sitting down to pee or you can take to heart the words I'm about to share with you. Now I ain't claimin' it'll be easy getting your woman properly house broke but it really is worth a little bit of work. Imagine, being able to watch an entire race or football game without hearing her nag about something. This my friends is your path to enlightenment.

1) Weekly beatings and scheduled closet time for her. You've really got to start this out from day one. It really goes a long way to asserting your dominance and letting her know who the boss is. Otherwise she'll start thinking she's got rights and want to vote or even worse she'll want to drive.

2) When talking with your wife, be sure to use small words. This way she'll be able to understand you, remember, nothing more that three syllables or she'll spend all day trying to sound it out and this cuts down on the amount of time she can cook, clean and raise the chirrens. What may be even worse is she'll start thinking and we all know she can think or she can work, but she can't do both.

3) Help with the laundry every once in a while, like once a month instead of leaving your clothes piled up on the floor in the bathroom strip in the laundry room. Just make sure she has your robe and cigars waiting for you by the recliner. There's nothing worse than strolling through the house with a bit of "the turtle" going on.

4) Be sure she has plenty of "her" time. I'd suggest golfing of fishing with your buddies. This will leave her plenty of time to get those chores done without having to pester you. Plus without you in her hair she'll have plenty of time to whip up your favorite meal for you and your buddies. Just make sure she doesn't forget the appetizers.

5) Remember she works hard too. So every now and then she needs to be reminded of just how much you appreciate her. So when you're sending your girlfriend a dozen roses be sure to pick up an extra to take home to the missus.

6) Make sure she doesn't meet your girlfriend. I can't really express the importance of this one. Women tend to be a tad bit jealous and well when you throw a twenty year old with perky jubblies into the mix you're just asking for her to get jealous and want to start working out again to get the girls to perk-up. Which as you know will cut into her cooking and cleaning time and well we just can't have that.

I'm sure there's something I'm missing, but figured I couldn't spring all this advice on y'all at once. Just remember it takes years to get a woman properly trained, so once she's nice and obedient she'll be hard to replace so don't trade her in, unless it's for twins.

* I really should start an Adventures in Involuntary Celibacy category, 'cause if the missus reads this I'll be sleepin' on the couch wearing a titanium cup for a month.

The hunt is on

Somewhere in the U.K. an inventor (Link isn't really safe for work, unless bouncing jubblies are okay) is being hunted by an angry mob of Southern Gentlemen, aka Rednecks, with impure thoughts on their mind. When they find him, they'll throw a beating to him never before seen by mankind. Hopefully he'll live and serve as an example to other would be "do-gooders".

HT: Ace.

Some things are sacred

'tis a dark, dark day indeed.

Women, especially the woman driving the red Suburban that cut me off earlier today, having driver’s licenses is proof that America is in a downward spiral. Don't get me started on how them, women, being allowed to vote and work is detrimental to our society. Sure the extra pay check is nice, but I've actually had to cook dinner at least twice in the five years I've been married, and that just ain't right.

It started with Lesbians Playing Golf Adequately (the LPGA). In the name of "equal rights" (and to keep men from being nagged to death) golf courses world-wide had to setup ladies' tees and have setup locker rooms for the ladies as well. Don't even get me started on the cute Hawian chick, Michelle Wie (who is far from being legal you pervs), trying to play her way into the PGA, it just ain't right, it just ain't fittin'.

No there's something much more near and dear to this Southerner's heart, fishing and this article pretty much sums up why women like those featured shouldn't be allowed near a boat much less on it, unless they're hot and topless. Hell, I bet they can't even clean the catch, much less bait a hook.

Lengthy fishing trips should start with mimosas.

The article only gets worse from there when they throw around phrases like:

...Armani-style fishing...

...the Martha Stewart of fishing, "without the whole prison thing," and aims to revolutionize the sport by catering to women with sophisticated tastes...

...a line of pink fishing nets, lures, hats, boots and other items...

...They became so excited, they even started a fishing cheer -- "F-i, f-i-s-h, f-i-s-h-i-n-g, fishing, fishing!"...

If you need me I'll be hiding from the missus.

Of evil and idiots

Apparently these guys haven't talked to Doktor Evil about vaporizing a planet.

Gary Peterson of San Diego State University, the strength of the gravitational field that Mars's mass creates would render even this colossal effort a failure. "You could have the biggest explosion possible, one that would tear the planet apart, but the pieces of rock would just clump right back together again"

Just wait until these guys get a look-see at what my "laser" can do. It's mounted on a satellite I like to call a "Death Star"

"Why must i be surrounded by fricken idiots?"*

While we're on the subject of evil and idiots.
Google's co-founder Sergey Brin admitted that google had "compromised its principles by accommodating Chinese censorship demands". Because in his, and his investors, eyes, censored and altered googlishous fun is better than no googlishous fun at all.

Maybe Google is just trying to transition us into a time when we can all gather around the campfire, sing happy feel good songs and wash away the world's troubles with a group hug. I mean what else could you expect from a company with a corporate motto of don't be evil.

Maybe he should tell this to people butchered in Tianamen Square. Forget about the Tanks, there were never any tanks in Tianamen Square¹.

Whist we're burning the conspiracy theory candles. When you run the g-mail spell check it suggest Cinnamon as an alternative to Tianamen. Damned commies are trying to erase it all together. Maybe they just want it to smell pretty too.

On to Google's technological advancement front. If you're ready to work with ten year old technology Google has just the spreadsheet for you. If you're looking for a replacement for Microsoft's Office Suite Open Office is way ahead of the other MS Orifice competitors.

1) Inspiration from INDC Bill's post.

The replacements

In 2011 the housewife will be obsolete according to a recent article on Popular Science's web site.

Not so long ago, chemical engineers discovered how to use titanium dioxide to keep buildings free of discoloring pollution. Landmarks such as the virgin-white Dives in Misericordia Church in Rome and the Marunouchi Building in Tokyo were among the first to be coated with the semiconductor, which breaks down organic molecules—including those in grime and pollution—when exposed to light and water and then releases them into the air. Soon after, TiO2-based self-cleaning products, like SunClean windows from PPG Industries, hit the home market.

Imagine, if you will, a life with all the cleaning and none of the nagging. No longer shall we mere husbands be trapped while we wait or even worse beg and plead for the little lady to prepare our thrown room.

to bring the technology inside the home, where it could eliminate the need for hours of tedious housework every week, researchers must overcome a major limitation: The technology currently responds only to ultraviolet light from the sun. Enter materials engineer Michael Cortie and his colleagues at the Institute for Nanoscale Technology in Sydney, Australia, who are working to perfect a coating that can respond to the visible spectrum—that is, the lightbulb hanging from your bathroom ceiling. So long, toilet brush.

Imagine there's no mildew
It's easy if you try
No gunk and grime below us
Above us only a sparking sky
Imagine all the people
Not living in constant fear of slipping and falling in the shower because the missus missed a spot while cleaning...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Good vs. Bad

There's good naked and there's bad naked.
This would be an example of bad naked(it's safe for work).

The Semidaily Grievance

There are, and always have been, things going through my daily routine that tweak my nerves. Maybe it's the title of a news story, or some knucklehead in traffic, who knows, but I get agitated. Not enough warrant a full blown screed, but enough to make mention, every now and then. And well things around here have been lacking, at least to me they have, so maybe this is a way to spruce things up.

The first thing agitation of the day. Drunken Monkeys. Sure red wine has its benefits, but I don't see any of them. Nope, if'n I was to reap the benefits of wine consumption I've got to shell out the cash to purchase it, or crash a party or two. All the while our poo flinging cousins in the evolutionary chain who were lucky enough to land in the Budapest Zoo get boozed up free of charge.

Way I see it if an orangutan gets to slip red wine whilst deciding if he's going to put on a show, in the form of self gratification, for the onlookers, I ought get a taste, of the wine, too. I'm thinking a nice Chianti and some fava beans would be nice while we're at it.

Twelve ribs my ass (First person to name the movie that quote comes from gets a sooper dooper prize).

There's a big difference between B and D

at least there is on the drink machine keypad at the office.

The lesson for today chirrens is this. Pay attention to what you're doing when you're operating the Coke machine. Otherwise you end up with pink lemonade instead of a nice refreshing Coke.

Sure pink lemonade has its virtues, and its place in the refreshing beverage line-up, but it's no Coke.

Plus, it's hard to look manly skipping down the halls sipping pink lemonade through a curly straw.

Hey, hey, we're the Monkeys

And people say we monkey around.

I bet that'll teach the rest of the monkies at the zoo that you don't fling poo at the bears.

'scuse me whilst I lick the paint off my Coke Bottle

So that's why Coke tastes so yummy.

Really, if we aren't supposed to eat lead paint chips why do the taste so damned scrumdeliyicious

Somedays

It's days like today that make me want to smear potted meat all over my oh so masculine body and walk through the halls of work singing show tunes.

Not that it'd be very different from any other day, except for the show tunes bit, 'cause normally I belt out stunning renditions from the Day's Top 40 list.

Standing naked in the rain

It's really amazing the things you'll see when you aren't trapped in a cave all day.

For the first time in years while I was at work I watched the rain and all the idiosyncrasies that come with it. It's been raining off and on here for the better part of two days. Amazing stuff really.

Cars and sidewalks have had their dusty yellow coating washed away, granted a new beginning.

The grass seems greener, encouraged by the subtle nutrients mother nature has provided to put on a show for all to see.

Between the breaks in the clouds the sky is bluer. Breathing fresh life into what moments ago a dim gray world.

And the cute natural blond, who never learned from her parents or friends that when you're caught in the rain wearing a clingy white sundress you'd best have a bra and undies on, she's been to the tanning bed and the gym. But who can fault her? She's probably heading to the beach, as so many of the locals here do, for the summer, or at least for a week between spring and summer semesters.

Man I love the rain.

Happy Birthday

Whilst I'm on the topic of skimpy coverings for women. The bikini turns sixty this year.

So on behalf of generations of men everywhere I extend our most sincere gratitude to Mr. Louis Reard. Mayhaps in another sixty years a Frenchman will do something else worthwhile.

Nothin'

I've got absolutely nothin'.

'cept this rash that I can't seem to get rid of.

So I'll throw down thoughts on several topics as they run through my feeble mind since the missus won't chat with me any more tonight.

Hey it could be worse, I could be fetish blogging.

Speaking of fetish blogging.
What's the appropriate waiting time on introducing your significant wife to the gimp you've got locked in the basement?

Just a kindly word of advice.
If you're an idiot don't walk around the grocery store slack-jawed, pants hanging off your ass and hat cocked sideways. Two of the three lets the entire world know that you shouldn't be allowed to breed.

The first sign that I'm getting old surfaced today and I scared myself.
There was a cute blonde (18 - 20 years old) with a perfect, bounce a quarter off it, butt in the grocery store ahead of me. Instead of the normal dirty thoughts, I was hoping like hell she'd a) let me cut in front of her or b) carry my groceries out to the car. Sad, it really is sad.

I'm of course blaming the above indiscretion, or lack there-of, on only getting three hours of sleep last night. The phinlet, he got seven straight, hours of sleep that is. Now whoever said "sleeping like a baby" either slipped a little bourbon into their kid's bottle or they haven't spent any time around newborns.

Poop update: None up the back as of yet, I'm sure it'll happen eventually, hell I've got a veritable cheering section going, well not me so much as the phinlet. One thing I would like explained. How the hell does 4oz's of breast milk become 8oz's of crap?

The most scary thing, this really is how my thought processes work, well not 100% because there are some I didn't cover here, I don't want the documented. Now you see why the missus gets frustrated trying to carry on a conversation with me?

Now if you'll 'scuse me, I'm gonna channel the Straight White Guy and go have a heapin' hunk of pound cake, fresh from the oven, with home-made strawberry jam. I really do lead a rough life folks, really I do.

Don't link me

At least this guy opted not to blog roll me.

Who's in charge of background checks for the next blog-meet?

H/T: protein wisdom.

I've got the bestest readers (and trolls)

Below is a direct reproduction of "fan mail" that I recieved just a couple of minutes ago.

Phin,
Your a ingnorant bastard for subtly applying that real men don't watch American Idol.

You suck,
Name withheld to protect the stupid

I won't take the cheap shot of pointing out that if you're going to call somebody an ignorant bastard you should at the very least be able to spell ignorant, one to many n's there sparky. I also won't mention the poor grammar, as I ain't the bestest in the world in that category either, see.

Nope the thing that bothers me is that I didn't realize I was being subtle.

So I'm taking the high road and I hereby make this solemn pledge to you, dear reader, that I'll try a bit harder from here on out to blatantly point out the weak-kneed candy asses of the world. Starting with the "men" that squabble like school-girls over who got kicked off of American Idol Syphilis Island.

Mayhaps the Dark Continent isn't so dark after all

We're all South Africans today.

Speaking of immigration, I'll trade you a tractor-trailer load of Mexicans for two South Africans.

What don't look at me like I'm crazy, those South African chics have valuable assets.

Okay maybe that wasn't the best choice of words.

AI Blogging

Am I the only one bothered by grown "men" squabbling like school-girls over the person most recently cast-off of American Idol?

I've yet to watch the show, primarily due to it reminding me of fingernails on a chalk board, but I get a recap the morning after it's been on.

Next thing you know these "men" will be arguing over the best method to wipe (front to back, or back to front) after sitting down to tinkle.

Going the extra mile

Via Yahoo News:

BERLIN (Reuters) - German prostitutes are signing up for a career change, training to become nurses to tend to the country's aging population or working phones as tele-marketers.

"Competition in prostitution is fierce and the days when one could make a decent living out of it are long gone, especially once you hit the thirties," Zohren said.

She said prostitutes' fees had hit rock bottom and they were well suited to jobs on offer in the retraining program.

"After years of prostitution, they know how to listen, look after people and are savvy in selling over the phone," she said.

Experts in the care industry for the aged also welcomed the initiative.

"We have more and more old and fewer and fewer young people, so there is a strong demand for people working in care professions," said Franz Wagner, head of the German association of care professions.

Talk about service with a smile.

No word yet on how many course hours it take to keep the girls from asking if the customer like the "happy ending" with that.

Hooters Air goes down...

and not in a good way

Via The Sun News:

After a three-year run, Myrtle Beach's homegrown airline, Hooters Air, is bowing out of regularly scheduled air service.

The airline will cease its public charter flights April 17 and will run only private charters out of Winston Salem, N.C.

I just can't tell y'all how crushed I am. Add this to the list of the greatest travesties of the Amerikkkan Kapitalistik System. Damn you George Bush and your Neo-Konservative Value.

We can only hang on the fleeting hope that lap dances are included in the ticket price of the chartered flights.

BUSH LIED AND AIRLINES DIED.

Hattip: Agent Bedhead

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn

Apparently the folks at FHM don't either. They've named Scarlett Johnasson as the Sexiest Woman in the World.

I.DON'T.GET.IT.

Really? Her? The sexiest woman in the world? Maybe I'm missing something, maybe I just ain't understanding where the rest o the world is coming from.

She does have mad drivin' skillz, think Mario Petty, on crystal meth.

Then there's the insight she gives into the "average" American's lives. Really, most Americans were disappointed by President Bush's re-election. That's why he had a majority of the votes.

Of course she's every man's dream, a faithful companion to the end. It's not her fault human beings aren't monogamous by nature. Relationships (among other things) are just so hard.

Her favorite feature? Her boobages. She was quoted in an interview with Harper's Bazaar as saying: "I'm proud of my girls. They're my charms, my feminine wiles".

Really, I just don't get it, sure she's got golden globes, but they aren't that golden.

Sure Scarlett's cute, but she's no Melissa Theuriau. Hell I bet Ms. Johnasson doesn't even have my name tattooed on her right butt cheek, yet.

Irony

Am I the only one that finds a clay sculpture of Britney Spears on a bearskin rug while giving birth an odd choice to make a "Pro-Life" statement?

Never you mind the paradoxical nature of her bringing a life into the world whilst sprawled out on the back of a dead animal. She's married to the farookin' poster boy for selective reproduction and justification of retroactive abortion.

Side note: I'd have never guessed that was Brit Brit being portrayed. The chick mounting the bear has well defined muscle tone, doesn't have a double chin, not a bit of cottage cheese on her thighs and most notably isn't wearing a trucker cap.

A pseudo triumphant return

Things are getting back to as normal as they've ever been around the phish bowl, just a little less sleep at night and a bit more during the day. Madam Bedhead was kind enough to keep the home fires burning whilst the missus and I adjust to life with phinlet. I'm still in awe of both her and him. Had anybody asked me two weeks ago I'd have never guessed how spellbound he would have in the short time since his hatching.

I've been asked a couple of times how it feels to be a father. It's something I haven't really been able to describe justly. The only answer that keeps coming back is now I get it, now I understand what life's about.

With the missus on vacation, since she had the c-section and all, for the next couple of weeks I've had a chance to show of my mad domestic goddess skillz. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, all being performed by my more than capable hands. I'll have y'all know that all laundry has come gone in and come out with their original colors in tact.

To say the past couple of weeks have been a learning experience would be an understatement. 'specially when it comes to my sense of humor and thinking before I speak. For some reason medical professionals aren't real keen someone saying "just a little off the top" when talking about circumcision. The missus has also let it be known that the process of pumping expressing breast-milk shall not be referred to as milking.

Over the past week I'd grown accustomed to spending as much time as I wanted with the missus and phinlet, but today I headed back to work for half a day. Well I showed up at the office. The girls were kind enough to decorate my office by hanging diapers from the ceiling and wrapping a good portion of my desk in the remaining leftovers. They also hug bottles, pacifiers and spare nipples from the ceiling. Pictures to come later. The list of calls and other crap to catch up on was endless, matched with my lack of desire to be there lead to almost nothing getting accomplished.

Which way was up again?

A Word From The Narrator

A number of Phin devotees have emailed me asking how he and the family are doing. To answer your question, he is quite well. In fact, I just got off the phone with him and though he had not yet experienced poop up the back, he stated that he, The Missus, and The Phinlet are all enjoying their postpartum bonding period. He will be blogging again shortly.

Have a nice day.

The telephone is ringing

is that my mother on the phone

As I was headed to my parents house for my niece's and older but sometimes wiser brother's birthday get together my cell phone started buzzing. A buzzing which always brings me great joy. This time though, the joy was different 'cause I realized who was calling, at least I thought I did.

When I answered I was greeted by Sadie, after a brief chat I was passed over to Zonker, who in turn handed the phone to Chrissy, who then gave the phone to Dash and before it was all said and done I was able to chat with Silk for a bit too.

By far one of the best phone calls I've had in ages, warmed the ole pumpin' gizzard it did, hell I may not even be able to play the role of grinch next christmas. Maybe next time I'll even remember how to speak English, instead of stammering and sounding like an incoherent crackhead. What great peeps.

The word for the day is...

Décolleté.

I always knew this blogging thing would be good for my vocabulary.

H/T: Lone Pony

Random Observation

Boy howdy is Matchbox 20's CD - Mad Season depressing.

Somebody hide the bullets from those depressing peoples before they decide to swallow one.

Competition

Seems that our pals Steve & Robbo over at the Butcher shop may have a bit of competition on their hands if they want to claim the title of top LLamas in the blogidohexiweb this year.

For the record, the previous song doesn't even come close to the grooviness of the Original LLama Song.

Sammich Bloggin'

Hey there mister, that's a mighty fine lookin' sammich you got there. Eric, the Straight White Guy, has done posted about Reuben sammiches. Man I love a Reuben, if there's a better sammich I don't know what it is. Now I miss them, damn it. Sure I've got the stuff in my fridge to fix them, but it ain't the same.

There was a sammich joint on the Outer Banks of NC, between Hatteras and Nags Head, that made one kick ass Reuben, served with Sweet Potato Fries. Just thinkin' about that sammich brings back a flood of memories, happy times folks, happy times.

Prior to getting married I used to make the two and a half hour drive just for the sammich, sleeping on the beach, surf fishing and body surfing was just an added bonus. The sammich shop closed down several years back. Some damned Yankees came in and bought it, then turned it into a "Caribbean Cafe", sonsabeyatches.

When the War of Northern Aggression gets fired up again, after halftime, I'm burnin' that joint to the ground. Another twenty years or so and we'll have sufficiently lulled them Yanks into a false sense of security, then it's GAME ON. Until then I'll just daydream about a simpler time and place where a tasty Reuben was just a short drive away.

Bring a gimp to work day

You may have noticed the slight change for today in the banner. Ever the astute blogger Madam Sadie informed us its national "Bring A Gimp to Work Day".

Don't mind the strange looks he's givin' you, the Gimp is just excited to be let out of his cage every now and then.

It's an orglishous birthday bash!

Last week our pal Robbo the LLamabutcher turned Forty-Onhhhhhh, damn he's old. Always up for a party we headed to Dee Cee for the festivatahs...

Steve-O was a tad upset by Robbo's choice to have a Build-A-Bear party. It seems that Steve-O is a recovering Plushophile* with fears of relapsing he had hoped Robbo would choose a My Little Princess Theme or perhaps give him a chance to facilitate a Cuddle Party.

Robbo was insistent that everybody watch as he "stuffed" Miguel, the latest addition to his plush llama collection. Then paraded around the store singing screaming Save A Horse Ride A LLamabutcher at the top of his lungs, in mid song switched to a heart wrenching rendition of They Call Me the Plushy Cuddler (sung in tune to Steve Miller's Space Cowboy).

Steve-O begrudgingly showed up about an hour late for the party, to nobody's surprise he's been huffing glue and was dressed in his best little princess outfit anyhow. After watching Robbo take a turn at stuffing a plushy Steve-O built the perfect little pony to accompany him back to the Llama Butcher's Seekrit Lair.

The picture below was snapped just before the Butchers bid their hasty retreat:

Would somebody please pass the mental Clorox? There is actually a Mini-FAQ for plushy lovers.

Cranky sends his Birthday wishes.
Kathy provides the In Party Commentary.
And Agent Bedhead puts her investigative skills to use and provides us with a glimps of the Stately Llama Manor Love Nest.

Blasphemy

By a blasphemer.

I am the boss.

When my wife says I can be.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I know you wanna taste it

But I'm gonna make you chase it...

I wished I could claim that little pearl of wisdom, but I'm just repeating what be hearding on the ray-didi-o.

Ya learn something new every day

As a perpetual student I strive to learn something new everyday. Somedays, I'm a bit more successful than others. Today however, I've stumbled upon the holy grail, a bit of information that no man should go through life without knowing.

It all started when the Straight White Guy decided to post about Ms. Marilyn Monroe.

Life being unfair I couldn't gawk at Ms. Monroe on the picture tube, so I settled for the next best thing, an interweb search.

During that interweb search I found NNDB. In their own words:

NNDB is an intelligence aggregator that tracks the activities of people we have determined to be noteworthy, both living and dead. Superficially, it seems much like a "Who's Who" where a noted person's curriculum vitae is available (the usual information such as date of birth, a biography, and other essential facts.)

Marilyn Monroe
AKA Norma Jeane Mortensen

Born: 1-Jun-1926
Birthplace: Los Angeles General Hospital, Los Angeles CA
Died: 5-Aug-1962
Location of death: 12305 Fifth Helena Dr., Brentwood CA
Cause of death: Suicide
Remains: Buried, Westwood Village Memorial Park, Los Angeles, CA

Gender: Female
Religion: Jewish
Ethnicity: White
Sexual orientation: Straight
Occupation: Actor, Model

Nationality: United States
Executive summary: Some Like It Hot

Father: Martin Edward Mortensen (Norwegian)
Mother: (American)
Husband: James Dougherty (m. 19-Jun-1942, div. 13-Sep-1946, d. 15-Aug-2005)
Husband: Joe DiMaggio (m. 14-Jan-1954, div. 27-Oct-1954)
Husband: Arthur Miller (m. 29-Jun-1956, div. 24-Jan-1961)
Slept with: Robert F. Kennedy
Slept with: John F. Kennedy
Slept with: Joan Crawford (unproven)
Boyfriend: Jorge Guinle (d. 2004)

Allegedly revealed to her therapist about a proposed tryst with Joan Crawford: "I told her straight out I didn't much enjoy doing it with a woman. After I turned her down, she became spiteful."

I told her straight out I didn't much enjoy doing it with a woman. After I turned her down, she became spiteful.

Mmmmmmm lead paint chips.

Why did they make something so dangerous so yummy?

The side effects of lead paint chip snacking are of course very obvious.

Salty

One of my blogless brother's coworkers is enrolled in a biology class at one of the local colleges. In yesterday's class the professor was discussing various bodily fluids and their functions. As they were going down the list he discussed the composition of semen and how it was partially composed of Glucose. (Glucose being a simple sugar.)

Well apparently this confused one of the young ladies in the class, 'cause she had a question and dutifully raised her hand. When the professor noticed he allowed her to ask away.

The question: If semen has glucose in it why does it taste salty?

The class of course momentarily fell silent; until the roar of laughter became deafening.

The pussification of the American Male

Alternate Title: Guaranteed to be the fastest and easiest way to become a eunuch, or your money back!

I'm mentioned it before, but I just don't understand today's clothing designers fascination with low rise jeans for men. A stroll through your local mall will have you bearing witness to more ass-crack than you'd see at a plumber's convention. I've always avoided them, low rise jeans and men prominently displaying ass-crack, like the plague, yet these days it's getting to be impossible.

A ban at the office has been placed on said jeans, with promises of superglue and crack spackle being utilized to deal with offenders bearing their derrieres. Yet in spite of the warnings and memos being sent out one of the gentlemen, and I use the term loosely, hath purchased and worn said low-rise jeans to work. He did however turn out to be a source of amusement.

From the restroom after lunch we heard was a blood curling yelp followed by a string of obstinacies, in a notably higher pitch than he normally speaks in, and noticed a definite waddle as he gingerly made his way through the office.
Apparently he hadn't adjusted to the low-rise portion of the jeans and as he was snatching them into place they managed to split a hair or two, if you know what I mean.

It'd be one thing if he'd learn from his mistakes, yet he repeated said event, not once but twice. That's three times the laughter we typically get around the office when someone inadvertently attempts to neuter themselves. Of course I'd like to thank him for adding that extra bit of well deserved Clorox to the gene pool.

Sound of silence

Due to recent legislation Paul is wondering when bloggers be silenced. It'll be about 3.2 seconds after the Pajamahindineans legal department ensures it won't bite them on the ass, then they'll go after Steve H., Moxie, Pyjamas and Me. Okay probably not me.

I'm not overly concerned as I'll tell just about anybody who asks who I are. If you're wondering, I are me and this post explains who I'm not. I'm also not in Ashlee Simpson's lastest feature; although I'm sure she was dreaming about me.

Spammer received record fine

Via the Quad-City Times: CIS Internet Services, won an $11.2 billion settlement from spammer James McCalla. The judgment also prohibits McCalla from accessing the Internet for three years. Other defendants named in the lawsuit, including Cash Link Systems of Florida, AMP Dollar Savings Inc. of Arizona, and TEI Marketing Group Inc. of Florida were ordered in 2004 to pay judgments totaling more than $1 billion to CIS Internet Services.

John Mozena, co-founder and vice president of CAUCE, said Tuesday that the judgment against McCalla is the largest one he has heard.

"By a couple orders of magnitude,"? he said. "And we're happy Mr. Kramer is holding spammers accountable."?

But the spamming problem remains huge, he said.

"Large judgments have not discouraged spammers as a whole,"? he said. "There have been regulatory actions and even criminal actions against spammers, but it has not made much of a dent in the total volume of spam we see. Spam is still roughly two-thirds of all e-mail on the Internet."?

Maybe if they'd hand down justice Moscow Style we wouldn't have such a problem with spam.

Book deals

Via the Washington Post, we learn that Ana Maria Cox of Wonkette is stepping down after she landed a second book deal. Congratulations and best of luck to Ana Maria and Wonkette.

Now just think if you had an ass like this, you'd be getting book deals too.

Oh, sorry that's a head shot, my bad.

Bowler tip to Mr. Protein Wisdom.

Life's little lessons

Two gentlemen doing some maintenance work around the office have decided to prove once again that intelligence has limits and stupidity knows no bounds.

Today's lesson:
Idiot wielding a paint gun + Wind + White truck in parking lot = Green Over Spray on White Truck¹

1) Only 1/2 of the truck is solid white now as the side "downwind" now as a Greenish tint. Wouldn't be so bad if the paint crew's truck wasn't relatively new (an '03 - '04 model) and if they hadn’t been using an oil based paint.

Gremlins

Evidently the arrival of phin jr. has been preceded by the arrival of several gremlins. The little SOBs have taken to hiding items of great importance to both me and the missus. From car keys to cell phones to pots. You read it right, cookware has gone missing and neither of us have any idea as to where the hell it's gone.

This serves as notice to the mischievous little thieving bastages now occupying our home. I'm on to your game, it's just a matter of time until I catch up to you and when I do may god have mercy on your soul, 'cause I sure as hell won't.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

May you spend a majority of the year ensconced in pudding or doing whatever else floats your boat.

Public Notice

Walking through one's home singing Fat Bottom Girls by Queen isn't conducive to one's longevity or well being.

Old School

As I was loading my CD collection onto the iPod the missus gave me for Christmas I realized I have quite the eclectic, borderline schizophrenic, taste in music. And just like Our Maximum Leader I have discovered the wonders that had just been collecting dust until now.

Recently Loaded onto the iPod: De La Soul, Jimmy Buffett, Johnny Cash, Queen, Guster and The Refreshments just to name a few. I almost feel sad for the youth of today who have yet too discover the wonder of "Old School Music" as my twenty year old sister in law described it. The only good news is that she is now of the path to enlightenment, after being forced to endure samplings from a majority of the CD's being imported.

Chesticles not protected speech

Apparently interpretive dance isn't a protected form a free speech in Eastern North Carolina.

VIA The Daily Rejecter: On December 21st a judge ruled a Pitt County ordinance, which limits the location of adult businesses is constitutional. Thus the clubs, Deja Vu, Deja Vu II, the Silver Bullet Dolls, and Misty's must all relocate if they wish to remain in business.

'tis a sad, sad day when Truck drivers are no longer to watch trailer-park girls perform in their native habitats.

Another random question for my readers

On my lastest visit to the left coast I saw several advertisements for "massage parlors" that set my mind to wondering. While not being the most worldly of travelers I'm not "fresh off the turnip truck" either.

I've heard of Thai Bathhouses and I've heard of a Swedish massage, but what the hell is a Thai Swedish Massage?

Circumnavigation

I received an unsolicited e-mail several weeks back from a reader warning me about having Junior's johnson circumcised. The sender was adamant about it being inhuman and no longer required in today's modern society. She then warned me about those that would try to force their views on me, even when I hadn't asked for their opinions, ironic no?

I realized there's a war on Circumcision being waged, the battle lines have clearly been drawn.
Circumcision: You're either fore-skin or not.

More from the mail box

Santa Santa Santa.

For the record I had nothing to do with the production of the above flash animation.

Blasphemous

As a North Carolinian I realized this past weekend that I'm also a blasphemous heathen when it comes our states favorite past time. 'round these parts betwixt the months of November and March the men's collegiate competition involving an orange bouncy round ball reigns supreme. Tarheels, i.e. all North Carolinians, not just the University of North Carolina Chapelhillanites, have named buildings, highways and chirrens after the great coaches of their sport.

North Carolinians, and even households, are divided when the warring factions take on each other. Duke, UNC Chapelhill, Wake Forest, etc... All the while I could givadamn less, thus the blasphemy. Nope I could care less for the perversion people now call men's basketball, on both the collegiate and professional level.

So when I happen across a men's basketball game on Tee Vee I happen to keep right on gong. Maybe I'll find a documentary about navel gazing, a Golden Girls Marathon (that Bea Arthur is one sexy beyatch) or perhaps a women's basketball game, they still remember the fundamentals of the game (even though the women in Basketball aren't nearly as hot or scantily clad as the women in Volleyball).

Communication breakdown

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

I have one customer at work that I'm unable to communicate with. He's the one client that invokes the full wrath of my Tourette's Syndrome. The bad part, he's about like Ward Cleaver. The nicest guy you've ever met and timid as a church mouse.

Our conversations are always on the brief side or riddled with him being placed on hold so I can take a deep breath, scream and slam my head against the desk a couple of times only to pick the phone up again and fight back the profanities.

Hell he even used the phrase "Gosh Golly" earlier today and then apologized for his rough language and paused as he placed a couple of dollars in their "Swear Jar". What the hell, Swear Jar??? All the while I'm fighting back the urge to let loose a string of profanities that would make the most seasoned sailor blush.

The bad part is I'm not quite sure what it is about the guy that makes my language so "colorful". The great news is during our most recent conversation he's mentioned working on-site with them for a couple of days. As in 18 - 20 hours in a 48 hour time period where I'd be shelling out more cash than a strip joint ATM. This may be the first consulting trip ever where it's ended up costing me money.

Damn.

A Long December

Looks like the month of December just got a whole lot longer. At least we'll always have Paris in spring Vegas in summer.

Yes, there's a meaning behind the title of this post.

Secure

It's only because I'm ubersecure in my sexuality that I'll can announce that I am currently listening to: Ultimate Air Supply.

Up next, maybe a bit of Journey or perhaps some Chicago.

Learning

I've learned something the hard way this past weekend. Men, if I can even call myself a man anymore, don't belong at baby showers. Why I let the missus and my mother-in-law talk me into going is beyond me.

I blame it on the my lovely bride suffering from PMS (Pre-Motherhood Syndrome) and my wanting to appease her before she goes on a hormonally charged killing spree with me as the first victim.

Yes ladies and gentlemen I now realize why father’s day is a nationally observed holiday. It isn't because a game of slap and tickle had a "lasting" side effect. Nope it's because we men were able to endure the nine or so months of hell on earth known as pregnancy. The fits of rage I can handle, its the crying cause you're happy, sad or the wind is blowing from the west that's going to be the end of me.

Seven months into the Nine month hormonally empowered rollercoaster ride and I'm pretty sure its all down hill from here. Now I understand why a wise man told me earlier: Just tell anyone that asks that you're drinking for three now. A two month bender shouldn't be so bad; it'll be just like college, without the occasional interruption for studying.

Putting the grrr in swinger

Getting back into the swing of things after being out of the office is a royal pain in the arse. I'd just gotten a decent schedule worked out for perusing my blogroll, checking non-work e-mail, scribbling notes, starting a post, not to mention all the work related crap these folks 'round here 'spect me to do.

Is Are you really that [insert profanity laden tirade here] stupid? considered a harsh way to respond to co-workers during a Monday afternoon production meeting?

Home again

The best words I'd heard all week Flight 68 for Hooterville North Carolina Now Boarding.

Yay 'twas time to leave the land of Nuts and Fruits and head back home. Sure I enjoyed my trip, it's just folks out on the left coast are a strange timid group.

Just a note to the Los Angelians, when somebody with a southern drawl makes eye contact and says Howdy or Hello he isn't about to rob or rape or murder or maim you or any combination of the above, well most like he isn't. I guess we southern folk are an odd lot in that we still believe in common courtesy.

Heaven forbid you actually try to hold the door or elevator for a woman out there. All those years of oppression that the twenty-something year old spoon fed hussy driving daddy's beamer has endured come flooding back. Sorry 'bout that darlin', if you'll kindly step back outside I'll be sure to slam the door in your face. All these years and I'd never realized how oppressive my dangling participle really was.

To Mistress Chrissy, Madam Sadie and Master Steve-O, as my new Latino Friend, Juan, says Muchos Grassyass for keeping the fires burning. As for the rest of y'all where's the remote, who drank the last of the gin, scotch and Patron and what the hell is that smell?

Damn it's good to be home.

Note to self: Learn spanglish or at least purchase spanglish to southernese translator prior to next trip.

Finally, a Google Search to be proud of

The problem is, my Mom discovered my blog. Okay, I told her about it. But it was over the summer, when we were writing about legitimate things---politics, global warming, the end of days blah blah blah. You know, mainstream stuff that wouldn't curl the split ends at the country club bridge game.

But now, thanks to Phin, I have a little Melissa Theuriau problem.

Fortunately, being the gracious guy that he is, Phin is giving me a Mom-free blogging platform to deal with my little, umm, problem.

Anyhoo, finally a Google #1 ranking worthy of the Christmas Letter:

Anyhoo, Phin's on some bidness trip---something about importing "grey market fish tacos" or something---so he's left the LLamas the keys to his pad.

Always a bad idea....

Seekrit Note to Steve-O: I've got the default publish status set to draft, switching it to publish will allow my 3.275 readers to see the wondermous words you've written.

Date Bait?!

Oh, My!!

Fraud in the on-line dating industry?

NOOOO.

Online daters sue matchmaking Web sites for fraud:

Match.com, a unit of IAC/Interactive Corp. (IACI.O: Quote, Profile, Research), is accused in a federal lawsuit of goading members into renewing their subscriptions through bogus romantic e-mails sent out by company employees. In some instances, the suit contends, people on the Match payroll even went on sham dates with subscribers as a marketing ploy.

Bogus romantic e-mails??

Sham dates with Match.com employees??

Say it ain't so.

The jig is up...

And Gone.

Well gone from my normal place of residence. Not to worry though. I be here. Where's here, well currently I'm on the outskirts of LA. In a rather sleepy state that I shall soon be remedying.

Good news though the content 'round here will actually be worth reading as Mistress Chrissy, Madam Sadie, The Llamas, Our Maximum Leader and my Older and Sometimes Wiser brother have graciously offered to keep my 4.375 readers entertained.

Yay, they rock!

As I'm off to sleep I'll leave you with this pearl of wisdom I overheard on the aeroplane: You know, the only reason Bush and his henchmen are tarnishing the stellar record of the Clintons and Nancy Pelosi it to prevent a Clinton / Pelosi ticket in '08 that'd be unstoppable. Here I was thinking that these types of ramblings on took place over at the Deamoncratic Underground.

Healthy fascinations

I mentioned a while back that I have a fascination with one of the few delicacies Southern California has to offer. What I'm referring to of course are the fish tacos available from the street vendors in San Diego (I won't be headed to TJ on this trip).

I'm, for better or worse, headed out to the left coast in a couple of weeks. So whilst I'm out there you can best bet I'll be getting my Fix.

I'll of course be bringing an interpreter with me so I can find out the recipe for the ranch-type dressing the Fish Tacos are served with. If that doesn't work I'll just kidnap one of the vendors and ship her home in my luggage. I could use an extra hand around the house anyhoo.

I'm sure with the missus, being in her delicate state or impregnated up as some folks say, would be all for a nice 18 Latino girl to help out around the house. 'specially if she's young enough to train (18 or 19) and tastefully clothed in a French maid outfit.

Maybe the MoP will be back from his recent hiatus while I'm traipsing about Southern California so I convert him from his evil ways of liberalism over a couple of adult beverages.

Fashion sense

William Teach of The Pirates Cove discussed one of the many reasons why men hate shopping.

The same Metrosexual Sonsahbeeches's in charge of the inventories that require advanced seasonal purchase swear that Pink is the new Brown. Does anything scream, look at me I'm a raging homo more than a guy in a pastel pink shirt and low rise jeans? Not that there's anything wrong with being raging homo, it's just not my cup of herbal tea.

Why it is now impossible to walk into a clothing store and find regular fit clothes in relatively normal colors? If it isn't Muscle Cut(read gay), Vintage Fit(read uber-gay) or Slim Fit(read my birth name is Frank, but my friends call me Francis) it's pastel. When it comes to jeans they're boot-cut, low-rise, relaxed-fit, baggy, tapered, not straight-leg, etc..., WTF happened to regular fitting jeans?

The person that felt it'd be a great idea to market low rise jeans to the men of America needs to tote a good ole southern ass whippin'. Plumber's crack really was bad enough prior to the advent of the gonad strangling dungaree impostors. It wasn't so bad seeing the tops of thongs, on certain young ladies and even some not so young ladies, well until I read this article, however the low rise jeans bit is a trend that should have never jumped the sex barrier.

It shouldn't take two hours for an average sized guy, 6'3" tall - 180 pounds, to find a couple of shirts and some decent fitting jeans; however the last time the missus drug me to the mall to buy replacement jeans it took every bit of two hours. Really since when is any self-respecting man going to own a closet full of pastel shirts and low rise jeans?

Who's your daddy????

With the Commissar working on a blogger family tree it had me wondering who is to blame for the mindless drivel y'all find here on a semi-regular basis. I've also had a couple of people who've asked me who got me started blogging.

In the truest since I've had a blog in one form or another since I enrolled in Computer Science back in college ('95 - '96). We were required to maintain a website with course work, projects, etc...

The evolution from of a web site with mainly tech notes, projects and a bit about daily work happenings to blog splat and then MuNu happened when I stumbled upon blogger though a google search and then browsing with the next blog feature. I'd heard of blogging before then but never paid a whole lot of attention to it.

My original blog splat blog got trashed as it was a fairly incoherent band of thoughts and ramblings, mainly technically based and I started phin's blog after I went on several tirades, basically venting to the PC instead of the missus.

Am I really just the bastard child of the Computer Science department of my local university and blogger. It's not really a though I cherish as most of the professors are stinky liberals. I would be almost as unpleasant feeling as learning you're secretly the love child of Andrew Sullivan and Hillary Clinton.

Maybe I'll adopt Pixy, the Llama Butchers. the Fortnightly ladies and the Velocidevil as my blog 'rents. That'd be an interesting menagerie wouldn't it?

Squealer

He screams like a girl.

Question and aswer time

Being the epitome of a slacker I haven't gotten 'round to posting an about me section. I'm still not sure whether it's good or bad. If’n y'all realize all the bad habits I have you're liable to quit visiting of course I could always try the libertarian girl bit and claim to be a hot buxom blond, 'cept it may be a bit late for that. Anyhoo basil of basil's blog is doing interviews and I signed up.

So now's your chance to find out the answers to those burning questions, go ahead and ask'em.

Get steppin' cause the questions close 10/14

Updated 10/14: Last chance y'all questions close tonight.

Yeowzer

An Arkansas mother just gave birth to her SIXTEENTH CHILD.

Why am I not surprised the husband and purported father's name is Jim Bob? Not that I'm pickin' on folks that go by two names, nope I'm pickin' on folks from Arkansas that either failed sex-ed or are just to friggin' amorous to stop crankin' out chitrens.

Talk about somebody having a birth canal like a slip and slide, I bet she's got child birthin' hips too.

Tip o' the bowler to basil.

A random conversation with my employer

Employer: I don't except this type of behavior from you.
Me: Sounds like you'd best lower you expectations.
Employer:...
Me: Can I get back to my nap now?

It's not my fault I'm a bit grumpy when somebody wakes me from my afternoon nap.

Dear Mr. Islamofacist

Today would be a bad day for you to blow me up as I just finished a couple of these

That's right folks, not only is Eastern North Carolina the only true Barbeque, it's a terrorist deterrent. And y’all thought I was crazy for spouting off about Life, Liberty and Eastern North Carolina Barbeque for all.

Sooper Seekrit Message to the LLama Butchers: Now that's what I call a sandwich.

Paranoia, Paranoia

everybody's coming to get me...

It's what you've always wanted

You remember way back when you wanted a lite-brite.
And your mean ole parents said "You'll shoot your eye out kid".

Now's your chance to catch up on all the time you should have wasted as a child with a virtual lite-brite.

Hat tip: Rocket Jones

If I had a million dollars...

I'd buy you an exotic pet, like a llama or an emu

We get by with a little help from our friends..

Chrissy posted the following at Fistful of Fortnights.
If anybody has any information please click over and leave a comment.

My mom and my best friend's (Susan's) mom are in DeRidder, Louisiana, a small town just above Lake Charles.

Many thanks.

Socialism

Socialism: Because everyone should be rewarded for mediocrity and striving to do the least amount possible.

Find out how you can contribute bring Amerika here, because no-one should be compensated for excellence.

Going straight

There are LUGs (Lesbians until graduation).
Whats the phrase for penguins that are gay until a female's available?

All I know is It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole.*

Continuing today's theme

Tyra says they're real.

And yes they're spectaular.

Accountability

I'm constantly amazed by lack of accountability in the corporate world today. I'm frequently dealing with clients who have been handed the family business and started it on a downward spiral. Yes these members of the lucky sperm club are the one's showing up to work at eleven, leaving at noon for a two hour lunch and then calling it quits at three.

All too often when a child inherits the business and its key employees from their parents junior starts bleeding the company for all it's worth the key employees plead with the now retired owner to come back or leave and form a competitive company. The scenario I'm seeing more of is the former.

When the owner steps back in it's often the key employees that are held accountable instead of Junior's inability to operate the company and function as a responsible member of society. People are fired and salaries are cut all so Junior can continue live in the lifestyle he's become accustomed to.

My observations over the past ten years in a consultancy role for several hundred companies helps me to understand how we've ended up in the precarious situation we as a country are in today. Nobody's being held accountable or accepting responsibility for their actions.

A new survey

A growing trend to shows that lesbianism is rampant in the United States.
From news flash: A new survey shows that 57% of college girls want to sleep with Angelina Jolie.

That
'splains
it.
It
seems
I
must
be
a
huge
friggin'
lesbian
too.

Hat tip: Dr. Rusty Shackleford

Recovery Efforts

After listening to a couple of news reports regarding Ophelia I'm pretty sure it's time for me to start sandbagging around my home. Hopefully the rest of neighborhood will chip in as I'm on the highest lot in the subdivision and my front lawn could be used as a shelter of last resort.

I'll be stocking up on supplies since I'm pretty sure there's a law that requires all inhabitants of North Carolina within sixty miles of the coast to rush to the grocery store to purchase twelve loaves of bread, eight gallons of milk and thirty-two bags of ice. We're also required to fill up every container possible (including old milk jugs) with gasoline so we're able to wait for at least a day for the power company to repair downed lines.

I'll be forced to clean up the yard (as I can't have those pink flamingos I bought this summer don't get missing).

In the unlikely event that I turn up missing during or shortly after Ophelia passes through North Carolina please send a goldphish recovery team and beer to the area noted on the map below.

A rescue gone awry

Moxie points out just why Sean Penn is dangerous, not only to himself but to those surrounding him. From her post comes this jewel of a quote:

His bloated ego is what sent him to a penthouse hotel room in Iraq, and in a little boat to rescue 40 cats in New Orleans. PETA thanks him for it, I'm sure.

Hiring choices

When you think back to your days of job searches and filling out applications do you remember the questions asking about your criminal past?

In a recent conversation with a hiring manager from another company we bitched about how hard it was to find decent employees and how all the kids graduating expected to start out at the top. We laughed about some of the ex-employees and candidates, discussed hygiene of said people and their criminal backgrounds.

It seems we both prefer to hire programmers / systems analysts / whatever they're going by this week that have a shady past; most notably somebody that's had their hands slapped for hacking. Our mindset, who better to have writing secure applications than somebody that knows how to get around security features?

Remember that the next time you log into your online checking account or pay your phone and light bill online.

Saddle up ladies

Saddle up ladies, y'all are in for one helluva ride.

John Wayne You scored 64% Tough, 35% Roguish, 14% Friendly, and 40% Charming!

You, my friend, are a man's man, the original true grit, one tough talking, swaggering son of a bitch. You're not a bad guy, on the contrary, you're the ultimate good guy, but you're one tough character, rough and tumble, ready for anything. You call the shots and go your own way, and if some screwy dame is willing to accept your terms, that's just fine by you. Otherwise, you'll just hit the open trail and stay true to yourself. You stand up for what you believe and can handle any situation, usually by rushing into the thick of the action. You're not polished and you're not overly warm, but you're a straight shooter and a real stand up guy. Co-stars include Lauren Bacall and Maureen O'Hara, tough broads who can take care of themselves. Find out what kind of classic dame you'd make by taking the Classic Dames Test.

Via: Kathy, Tammi, Sadie, The Maximum Leader and The Maximum Leader's sister Francis, oh wait that's the Minister of Propaganda.

I don't like spam

Following is a spam e-mail I received this morning from info@spamis.org:

Title: Microsoft

Body: Would you want the largest worldwide sender of illegal unsolicited commercial spam to be in complete control of the new email standards?
Think about it.

There were also links to a petition of some sort and an anti-microsoft movement of some sort. I'm not quite sure these folks understand what spam is. It has to be the most ironic e-mail I've received in a while.

A new level of geekness

I realized last night I've been a geek for entirely too long and may have reached a level of geekness never before known to mankind.

What brought about this realization was when my nineteen year-old sister-in-law asked "What's OS/2 Warp?". It wasn't so much that she asked the question and that I knew the answer. It was that I was wearing an OS/2 Warp t-shirt which prompted her to ask question.

Yes there are only a certain number of us who can look cool wearing Ray-Ban Aviators, a Members Only Jacket and Parachute pants (at least I'm not wearing the Magnum PI shorty shorts).

Note: For those of you wondering OS/2 Warp was IBM's failed attempt to compete with Microsoft in the Operating System Market back in 1995 and the back t-shirt said: OS/2 Warp: Fast Pane Relief.

Quick Question

Have you ever had the perfect post laid out as you traveled only to loose your train of thought when you discover the hotel has upgraded you to a Jacuzzi Suite?

If you need me I'll be soaking in the tub.

Dentist Visit

There's probably TMI in this following segment.
When recently discussing dentist appointments with the guys at work one of them mentioned he'd rather have his nads waxed than go to the dentist. Dentist visits don’t bother me, maybe it’s that my dentist is an attractive lady or that most of her assistants have always been attractive women.

I'd defiantly take a trip to visit them over a nad waxing, especially after catching a couple of stray hairs in my zipper this morning.

Dinner with friends

This past Thursday while on a business trip in Las Vegas I was lucky enough to have dinner with basil & his big sister (who's 5'4") and Sadie and her new husband (the Lad). Until dinner the other night I'd never met another blogger (except my older and sometimes wiser brother).

As basil said, bloggers are nice folk, well at least the one's I've met.

basil is what you'd expect after reading his blog. He's an extremely kind, personable gentleman with a sense of humor greatly portrayed on his blog.

The Big Sister(who's 5'4") is a Georgia peach in the truest sense. She was sweet as could be without melting in the rain and he definitely has her hands full keeping basil out of trouble while in Vegas.

The only way I can describe Sadie is as a Southern Belle. I just wish I could do her justice when trying to describe her. She's cute as a button and even more eloquent than she writes.

The Lad is a lucky, lucky man. I wished I'd been able to talk to him a bit more, I can only assume that since he managed to marry Sadie he's either a great guy or managed to pull of the greatest con since I convince the missus to marry me.

At first I wasn't sure how awkward it was going to be, but within minutes of sitting down we were chatting like old friends. The topics were varied and amazingly enough weren't all about blogging although we did discuss blogging a bit.

As basil mentioned, I have read about other folks having great times at blog meets. I'm just not sure I could stand a whole weekend being around such great people and having such a great time, but it's a sacrifice I'll have to make.

Dinner the other night was a privilege and an honor, one I hope to repeat in the not too distant future. I'm amazed everything worked out to make it our dinner possible and grateful to them for they took the time out of their vacations.

Thanks again for dinner the other night, the pleasure was all mine.

Live from Las Vegas...

Summarized trip to Vegas:
Landed 10:30 (Local time) Wednesday night.
Worked from 6:30 to 5:30 Thursday.
Dinner with Sadie, the Lad, basil and the Big Sister (who's 5'4").
Worked from 6:00 to 5:30 Friday.
Checked in and caught up on blog reading while waiting for flight.

More to come the dinner excursion, which is the highlight of all my previous experiences in Vegas.

Farewell Dear Feisty fare thee well

As the old saying goes all good things must come to an end, earlier this week Chrissy decided the time had come to lay Feisty Repartee to rest. To say she'd opened several doors for me would be an understatement. Feisty was where I first discovered the other darling divas, where I sarcastically responded to a post and was shortly thereafter introduced to the other bloggers who formed the men's club.

When reading her posts I could taste the food on the stove, smell the fresh cut flowers and feel exactly what Ms. Feisty wanted me to feel. There were times I giggled like a schoolgirl and yet others when I was choked up, teary eyed and at a complete and utter lack for words. The proof of her skills as a writer will forever be present in the hallowed archives of Feisty Repartee.

Upon reading of Chrissy's decision to bring Feisty to an end my first reaction was to implore Chrissy to carry on with Feisty. The selfish side of me wants to continue to share in the antics of her beloved children and to engross myself in the stories of her childhood. After a bit of reflection and a couple of e-mails bounced back and forth I came to terms with what I already knew; she has to watch out for herself and her family first and foremost.

I'd hoped she'd reconsider. That she'd just cut back or take a break and return reinvigorated, ready for the next chapter in Feisty history. Alas, on August the 8th the final chapter in the brief and wonderful life of the blog known as Feisty Repartee was closed. It is reassuring to know that Feisty Repartee's archives are still there, that when the longing becomes to great we can flip through the pages of history and reacquaint ourselves with an old friend.

As with all things in life change is inevitable, it is impossible for us to grow as people without change and whether we like it or not, this is one of those times for our darling Chrissy. At these times I can hope that she'll also take comfort in knowing that she’s made the blogosphere and the world a better place.

It is with a heavy heart that I bid Feisty Repartee, I can only hope that she'll stop by every now and then to make sure I'm not slacking too much and with the comforting words of encouragement we've come to know and love.

Leavin' on a jet plane

Sometime in the next several hours I'll be boarding a plane bound for Atlanta, then onward to Fabulous Las Vegas. I was gonna live blog Sadie's wedding, but she went ahead with plans and got married yesterday.

Did you ever have the feeling when you're getting ready for a trip that you're forgetting something?

Update: Technology is just grand. Here I am at the aireoporto waiting on the plane I get to blog about it. As a side note, if you hear about a stoopid canuck getting his ass whipped by a southerner don't worry it's just me. I wished he'd go fly a kite eh.

Update #2: Flight delayed. Some stoopid storm in Atlanta. No bar in the aireoporto. Stoopid canadian won't shut his yap. I'm aboot to kick his hockey lovin' ass, eh.

Update #3: Made it to Vegas, flight was kinda bumpy due to bad weather. Did hear a grow man squeal like a two year old due to some turbulence.

note: I'm not a violent person and won’t resort to violence, it's just fun to pick on canadians every now and then; in the same warped way it was fun to pick on little Billy because back in grade school because he wasn't too bright.

Something's amiss

I don't typically read La Shawn Barber on a daily basis, however it's all about to change, starting now. She's my new blog hero. She's the first "big-time" blogger to say "I don’t think women generally have the sensibilities to run the country". Maybe she'll send me some of that traffic she's got pouring in

Now if the missus will just realize the same things La Shawn does we wouldn't have those understands and the PO'lice wouldn't be gettin' called when I get a bit heavy handed. I mean the ol' lady's askin' fer a beatin' when she sasses me, ain't that right La Shawn. Damned liberated women thinkin' they all high and mighty.

Ain't that right ladies, y'alls jest lookin' to git put back in yerin' places.

Hat tip: Sadie and Kathy (who do a mo' better taming the hateful shrew than I).

Update: Not wanting to help Queeny increase her ratings, I'd recommend you do as I have and give the links to basil. Instructions Here.

at least they aren't all Huffy

I think I'll stick to my same old routine when it comes to the news.

Earlier today I noticed that Google News had Aljazeera listed as a source on the front page (as a source for the Mauritania coup). That wasn't nearly as bad as seeing The Huffington Post listed as a source on the front page of Yahoo! News.

When I've checked Google News they typically list only legitimate news organizations on their front page, Yahoo can't say the same.........

To top it off Arianna admits in her article "this is not, after all, a peer-reviewed academic blog".

Google may be dropping conservative bloggers (The Jawa Report & Michelle Malkin), but at least Google isn't all Huffy.

Not suitable for minors......

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

I guess I should hang up my life long goal of becoming a social worker now.....

Hat tip: Stiggy

Travel Blegging

I shall be traveling to grand ole Las Vegas for a couple of days next week on business. ('tis a rough life but somebody has to do it).
It's been a couple of years since my last trip out to the desert.
Are there any new attractions that I shouldn't miss?

Well other than the new lineup of entertainers at the Cheetah Club.
Or should I just plan on spending my free time at the poker tables?

Me a geek???

Who'd a thunk it???

Hat Tip: The LLamas & Kathy.

Update: After informing the missus of my score she replied: "You would that since you spent five and half years getting a degree in Computer Science you'd have done a bit better."

Medical notes

The cute young lady administering your CT Scan will not hold your hand when you try to convince her you suffer from closterphobia. She will however offer you a couple of valium if you do a good job of convincing.

Side note #1: Blogging may be a bit more delusional than normal.
Side note #2: Closterphobia is the fear of confined spaces; not the terrible fear of kitten posters I’ve been trying to overcome. Who knew????

Random travel thoughts

Below is an amalgamation of observations and things I learned as I flew up and down the eastern seaboard yesterday (from North Carolina to Pennsylvania and back home to North Carolina again).

Fourteen hours of one day in airports and airplanes isn’t very much fun when you're traveling alone.

When you have six flights the chances are at least one of the piolets will bounce the plane of the run way.

Rough landings work almost as well as a chiropractor's visit for loosening up a stiff back, until you try to get out of bed the next day.

There is a dress code that requires all females under the age of twenty-one to wear a tank top and shorty shorts. Exceptions to this rule should be made. For example if the shorts your going to wear, that don't cover your butt cheeks and are made of less material than the sails on the USS Constitution, maybe you shouldn't wear them in public (or allow your friend / daughter to).

Treating the airline employees at the ticket counter with kindness, instead of like servants, will brighten everybody's day. Actually talking to the ticket counter employees about something other than your trip can get you upgraded or moved to a better seat. Acting like an putz and complaining to / blaming the employees for problems our of their hands can get you bumped from the flight or a seat in the back of the plane.

John Gibson lied when he said the airways and transit systems in the United States hadn't been affected by the most recent terror attacks.

With enough smiling and playful banter it is possible to convince the cute young lady sitting beside you to hold your hand during take off, you know because this is your first time flying (leave out the at 6:29 to whatever location bit if you travel quite a bit).

Even the mention of explosives in your luggage will result in you being presented with a set of sparkly new bracelets. The guy that gives them to you isn't very gentle, they fit snug, and you'll probably miss your flight home. (Yes I actually saw this take place yesterday. I pointed and laughed at him. He seemed rather miffed by my finding amusement in his pain, I didn't care.)

When the stewardess says "If there's anything I can do to make your flight more enjoyable" spankings aren't part of the anything she'll do. Full body massages aren't in the game plan either. A lingerie clad pillow fight with the other cute stewardess is apparently against FAA regulations, otherwise she said have been all for it. She will however be happy to grab you a pillow; Just make sure she doesn't try to hold it over your face, for too long, when she brings it back.

When somebody sitting beside you closes their eyes it doesn't mean they want you to keep telling them your entire life story. They're probably plotting ways to make your life story shorter should they ever encounger you on an airplane again. Grown women don't find it humorous when you ask them if they want to play the quiet game, those sitting around you may.

Update: I'll probably be picking up one of these shirts for my next trip. (hattip: Confederate Yankee)

Something to waste time ???

I've always known the world was against me, I just never knew the folks at google were in on it also.

Yet when you do a google search for: something to waste time, who's number one???

Who? It's phin.
That's right scream my name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
phin's blog is number one on google's list of things to waste time.

Neighbors helping neighbors

The aftermath and cleanup of Hurricane Dennis is just getting started. One of Dan Riehl's long time readers has been affected by the flooding and needs a hand. If you're thinking something like this won't happen to you think again.

I've seen the damage that can stem from back to back hurricanes, in 1999 we watched as new records were set and the 500 year flood plane was reevaluated. Home owners that could not purchase flood insurance watched as their homes were washed off of their foundations. As an inhabitant of the North Carolina coastal area the people affected by the hurricanes have my undying sympathy.

So if you can do something do it. If you think it can't and won't happen to you, well you're dead wrong.

Why go to a strip joint??

I'm ranked number three right now for google searches of why go to a strip joint.

I'm not real sure why somebody would search the web for why go to a strip joint. The answer is pretty obvious; we're there to meet nice wholesome young ladies who we're hoping are our future wives / mothers of our children and to talk about the weather.

We definitely aren't going to ogle the women; that would be just rude and demeaning to all women right?????

Certifiable

I saw it first when our Maximum Leader took a personality disorder quiz. and posted his results. At the time I laughed and went along on my merry minion way; I figured it was jut another quiz where everybody was crazy.

Then I saw it again when sadie posted her results. She isn't nearly as crazy as I had expected.

Then I see that silk's posted her scores and I think she took the wrong test or copied sadie's answers. I'm not saying which *cough* Obsessive-Compulsive *cough* disorder she exhibits on a daily basis.

And again when the Minister of Propaganda posted his results. I'm 99.9% sure he had somebody take the test for him.

Then I took the test and it looks like I put the Capitol K in CRAZY.
I can't really be crazier than silk, sadie and the MoP can I?

So I figured I would ask the Advice Bunny.

I says to the Advice Bunny: "Mr. Advice Bunny I'm not crazier than silk, sadie and the MoP am I?"
Mr. Advice Bunny replies: "No. Definately not. So says the all-knowing advice bunny."

Boy howdy do I feel better, the voices kept telling I wasn't crazy I just needed some additional reinforcement. If you need me I'll be in my padded room wearing this nice white jacket.

By liberal powers of deduction....

Confederate Yankee's post: You Ain't Seen Huffin' Like the Flighty Quinn points out the fallacy of the allowing ultra-liberals in the media. She's tried to read between the lines and find things that just aren't there and got caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Beth Quinn of Middletown, New York's Times Herald-Record recently put her mega-liberal powers of deduction to work in an editorial named Proof is in the memo: Soldiers died for a lie and claims that "Bush had already decided to attack. It also says Bush knew there were no WMDs in Iraq, but that 'the facts were being fixed around the policy.'" Beth demands a confession from President Bush and helps stops just short of offering to provide an outlet for al-Qa'ida's members to vent their sexual frustration.*

As I read Beth's editorial I became infatuated with the powers of deduction granted her via her ultra-liberal world views. With powers of deduction such as these it's no wonder the "reality based community" is looking to impeach President Bush, I mean Sherlock Holmes doesn't hold a candle to Beth Quinn. As I pondered these powers over several adult beverages (Gin and Tonic to be exact) I started to realize how her powers of deduction work and put them to the test.

Lets list the facts:
Beth Quinn is a feminine name, so we figure she's female.
She appears to be a female (her headshot is on The Herald's web site).
The tone of her article is accusatory and demanding, considered masculine characteristics.
She's wearing a red shirt (I've never been a big fan of red clothes).

Thus I've deduced that Beth actually has (insert drum roll) Klinefelter's syndrome. Yes ladies and gentlemen, instead of your typical XY (male) or XX (female) chromosomal makeup Beth's chromosomal composition is that of XXY. Resulting in chesticles with a six-incher below the belt. It seems our darling of not-so-journalistic integrity is actually a hermaphrodite.

Sure I have absolutely no basis for this conclusion other than the powers of deduction granted to me by consuming mass quantities of Gin. Which seem to be the same powers of deduction she used to determine President Bush lied and calling for Secretary Rumsfeld to be charged as a war criminal.

I know 'tis alarming .... the powers of thinking like a liberal are only a half gallon away.

Note: This entire post is a poor attempt a humor. Well mostly.
* She really didn't offer her services to Al Qa'ida's members

Interesting tidbits

While helping my sister-in-law with a psychology exam I learned that 43% of women have at some point in their life experienced sexual dysfunction as compared to 31% of men.

Update: Since madam sadie requested it, and we always do what she says.

Sexual Dysfunction is a persistent impairment of sexual interest or response that causes interpersonal difficulties of personal distress (American Psychiatric Asses, 2000) that can occur at any stage of the sexual response cycle.

Among women the most common problem was lack of interest, with about a third saying their significant other wasn't doing it right so they lost interest. Twenty-six percent of women said they regularly did not have organisms orgasms and 23% said it was not pleasurable. The rest were upset that phin is married and no longer available to provide services for their pleasure

A third of the men said they climaxed to early, 14% were dead had no interest in sex and 8% said they were numb from the waste down derived no pleasure from sex.

Pie Blogging

I must confess Kathy of the Cake Eater Chronicles is the Goddess of Pie. When the wife brought home a flat of strawberries last week I decided to try out Kathy's recipe.

All I've got to say: Pie GOOD, Mmm Pie.

I was almost as impressed with my baking abilities as I was with the Wife's ability to fight off all urges to tell me too "get your bitch ass in the kitchen and fix me some pie" (in her best Cartman voice).

I'm sure some of my reader's images of me as a man's man have been dashed to pieces at the thought of me in the kitchen baking. If it helps rebuild your image just picture me as a skinny Bill Goldberg in an apron, and leather chaps, with a whipped cream holster if it helps.

Is the end near

I perused the blogisdoheiciweb yesterday and too my surprise I found several people referencing the Reverend Billy Graham's comments regarding Bill and Hillary Clinton. Some felt the aging Reverend, a lifelong Democrat, was being exploited by the Clintons for their own political gain.

I wonder how far we'll get into Hillary's bid for the '08 presidency before they start airing ads quoting the Reverend's so called endorsement. I'm just curious how the party of Complete Separation of Church and State will manage to downplay the past several years of vigorous attempts to remove all semblance of Christianity from our government.

I just don't see why people are getting so worked up, it could be that Reverend Graham was joking and only joking with the Clintons. A quick glance at the Reverend's comments:

Graham called the Clintons "wonderful friends" and "a great couple," quipping that the former president should become an evangelist and allow "his wife to run the country."

It could also be that the Reverend isn't being accurately quoted and the meaning of his message isn't being properly portrayed by the MSM (not that anything like that has ever happened before). It could be the actual quote was:

"Bill you should become an evangelist and your wife to run the country, when monkeys fly out of my butt."

People are also discounting the Reverend's knowledge of future events and his divine knowledge. I've yet to see anyone mention the possibility that the Rapture is coming and the good Reverend knows the people left behind will need leadership. Since it's a pretty safe bet the Clinton's will be among the group left behind, why not give them a recommendation. The Clintons' charisma and leadership abilities have been proven time and again; maybe after the rapture the Clintons can help lead those left behind down the path of redemption and righteousness.

Just remember folks if the rapture comes, you read it here first. Hopefully I won't be around to gloat.

Its the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine......

Lawyers or Philosophers

Quite a few of the blogs I read on a daily basis are written by lawyers (or lawyers to be). Fistful of Fortnights, Feisty Repartee, the Llama Butchers, Oddybobo, and Random Pensees spring to mind (there's that Glenn guy too). I've wondered why so many lawyers also blog. If there was a common theme to their blogs it would be an easily answered question, however all the blogs above are as unique as the author.

From there my schitzo mind started to wonder why people dislike lawyers so much. Rarely do you find someone that doesn't appreciate a lawyer joke among my favorites:

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

Then I realized the reason people like to pick on lawyers is because people with MBA's aren't in one particular field. After spending two and a half years in graduate school getting my MBA I realized that a majority of them would make the most dishonest, money grubbing, slimy lawyer look like Mother Theresa. Seriously folks most of the MBA's I know would push their own mother down a flight of stairs if it meant a promotion.

My mind rambled a bit and I started to realize that much of the distain we have for lawyers comes from us having to admit we need help. In general I've found that most people hate to ask for help; especially to resolve a situation we've screwed up. Personal observations have lead me to believe that once we've shit the bed we're typically not happy until we've also to flung poo into the ceiling fan trying to take care of the problem ourselves. We'll finally quit when we're neck deep in our own crap with no way out and we call somebody else to clean up it up. It's that moment of being helpless, when we realize that we can't solve the problem and we've made it worse, that causes us to loath lawyers.

Thinking back to the philosophy and law courses I had in college I started to realize the main difference between the philosophers of yesteryear and lawyers is the spelling. I'm sure there were chariot chasers in Ancient Rome, who must have been considered the scourge of the philosophy profession as ambulance chasers are at the bottom of the law profession. There are also great lawyers that help to improve our daily lives through interpretation of the constitution (granted the Supremes screwed up earlier this week); however they tend to get it right most of the time. I know I wouldn't want to be the one making decisions setting legal precedent with ramifications for centuries to come.

I wondered if Socrates knew he would be quoted for centuries and if he knew he would be so influential even in today's teaching methods. Then I started thinking about philosophers and philosophy in general and I thought about Mel Brooks playing the roll of a standup philosopher in History of the World Part I.

Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a BULLSHIT artist!

And I realized philosophers and lawyers are pretty much the same profession separated by a couple of hundred years.

A day late

Happy belated father's day to the fathers out there.

I like to thank my father for not giving into temptation and ending my life; as he must have been tempted to do on dozens of separate occasions.

For those of you snickering I could have be worse, I could have turned out like this waste of oxygen.

No surprises here

This quiz was found via the naked villains.

Not that you should be surprised by the results.

Well maybe we should be somewhat surprised that I outscored the Minister of Love Propaganda in the hotness department.

I'm just glad our Maximum Leader didn't score as soft and cuddly.

Madam Silk being soft and violent wasn't too terribly surprising though, no more whip marks please.

You may now listen to my theme song (probably not work safe).

Somethin's in the water

Many thanks to everybody that wished the Wife and I a happy anniversary.

We managed to slip away this past weekend for a trip to the beach. Some friends of ours loaned us their place for the weekend, as an anniversary present, and with the wife's addiction to the ocean and laying out on the beach it would have more than likely been a death sentence had we not gone.

We had a great time for the most part, only thing, no internet access. None, Zero, Zilch, Nadda. So the posts I'd mapped out on the way down got trashed, no need to post about current events three days late.

The town / beach area where we stayed was in Brunswick County, I'd describe it, but basil does a much better job. Well actually the Brunswick County locals make the residents of the bucket seem high class. They're truly a scary group of folks. The scariest is they must all be dropping out of school prior to sex ed or there's somethin' in the water. The wife and I noticed on our trips into town that if a female was of breeding age she was either about to explode, she was pushing a stroller and dragging a couple more youngin's or both.

Not that there's anything wrong with people in love having children, but at some point in time somebody's got to teach that crowd why they're having so many kids and that most folks wait until they get married to have their second or third child.

Needless to say the Wife had a great time, being around me that's a given. We spent some time on the beach, spent some time being amused by the yankee tourists and took a couple of trips to the Redneck Riviera. Not knocking Myrtle Beach the Redneck Riviera, well I guess I am, but why do people feel the need to leave all sense of common decency behind when they go on vacation? Maybe I've missed the memo that went out regarding the Myrtle Beach dress code and etiquette.

I mentioned no internet access right? I'm pretty sure I started going into withdrawals sometime around the second hour I realized I couldn't connect to the interweb. I was able to scheme and clear my otherwise fogged memory. spacemonkey said it best when he said not having internet access at the beach is like being comatose in a way, with sunburn. Sunburn ouchies.

More to come later after I catch up on work and reading.

Update: We did take precautions just in case it was something in the water (Well that and beach water kinda tastes / smells funky.), nothing but bottled water was consumed this weekend.

Memorial Day

Tributes:
BlackFive has links with how you can care for the defenders.
Confederate Yankee talks of Flander's Field.
Jarhead from Red State Rant asks us to Please remember what this national holiday is actually about.
Mudville Gazette says to celebrate and remember those who gave their all for their country.
Powerline has a moving photo.
Straight White Guy explains who should be remembered.

The LLama Butchers remind us.
Vince Aut Morire already wrote the post I was thinking about.

Bloggers in Boot Camp:
Tea Fizz
Oh-Dark-Thirty

Mil-Blogs:
Mustang 23
BlackFive

Veterans:
Bad Example
basil's blog
Red State Rant
Straight White Guy

Please take the time this Memorial Day to return thanks for those who made the ultimate sacrifice to ensure our way of life. While remembering them, also say thanks to those in boot camp, the reserves, the active military and our veterans. And do not fail to remember those who sacrificed their loved ones for our way of life.

The world is a better place because of them.

Thank you.

*** This is a partial list (that my feeble mind could come up with) that I wanted to thank if I've missed anybody it wasn't intentional and please let me know in the comments if there is somebody you would like added to the list.

A memo from the boss

Apparently my behavior at work hasn't been up to par as of late (the past five years). I received a memo, via e-mail, of things I'm no longer allowed to do at work. I'm not sure if I should read too much into this, as it's probably my boss's idea of a joke. But he's serious it's going to be awfully dull around here.

The List:

• Leave open cans of potted meat or sardines in the boss's office; I was only offering him a mid-day snack.
• Set the "On Hold" Music to the Llama Song.
• Fill the boss's desk drawers with Styrofoam packing peanuts.
• Set the boss's computer up with a Barbie, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Fraggle Rock or Muppets Themes.
• "Accidentally" Delete the Three Gigs of pornography on his work computer.
• Print out motivational phrases from despair.com and post them all over the office.
• "Accidentally" Replace the Two Gigs of pornography he downloaded after the Three Gigs were deleted with Gay Pornography.
• Ask for spankings a form of punishment if a deadline is missed
• "Accidentally" Replace the porn to replace the gay porn with pictures of kittens and puppies.
• Display this image on my desktop:
  
  Please remember to think about the kittins.
• Point all the desktop shortcuts on my boss's computer to the pornographic movies he's downloaded to replace the kittens and puppies.
• Play the Llama Song over the Intercom and leave for lunch.
• Ask customers: "Would you like fries with that?". (I work for a software company.)
• Use the phrase: "I like syrup!" anytime someone mentions a salad. If you need an explanation on this one, you won't get it from me, but you'll find more information on it here.
• Threaten to take a leak in the boss's gas tank if he doesn't give me the afternoon off to go fishing.

Note: Cross posted on Snooze Button Dreams.

Curves, Curves and Curves.

The Queen of Feisty wants to know which is more attractive and why: Thin Kate Moss - Gweneth Paltrow types or women with voluptuous curves?

Me, I like curves. Of course a healthy portion of that comes from my fascination with women's breasts and behinds.

Not that you should do this at work, like somebody just did, but look at a majority of the females in the adult entertainment *cough* porn *cough* industry. Most of the women getting paid to have sex have a healthy set of curves. Why because nobody wants to see stick figures banging it out. Really why pay for porn with stick figures, bad lines and no script when any no talent hack could doodle the same thing out in a matter of minutes using pen and paper; men want to see bouncies.

As several others have noted in Christina’s comments as long as it’s proportionate a few extra pounds and a healthy self image are much more of a turn on than the stick figures they call models nowadays anyhow.

Ladies please remember that you’re unique; just like everybody else. So what may be deemed an ideal weight for someone your same height and age, which are the criteria the last time I checked, more than likely won’t apply to you. My 3.5 cents: Toss the damn scales in the trash and if you’re happy with the way you luck too hell with what anybody else thinks.

Somebody else as warped as me

I recently realized that The Llama Butchers are as warped as I am.

Bad part is it wasn't so much this post that did it. It was the new Star Wars Themed Logo they have; the one where Steve's wielding a light-saber and Robo's his bitch a princess.

And here I was thinking they were happily married, but not too each other, it seems like somebody vacations in Canada.

Well maybe they aren't as warped as I am, but they're close.

Yes there is so much of a void of muse that I had to resort to picking on bloggers more successful than I am. Are you really surprised I’d result to such tactics?

Something about Harvey

Ever wondered why Harvey from Bad Example was one of the most fertile blog fathers running around the blogosphere?

It's because he writes posts like this.

Amen Reverend Harvey.

Jim's purple hooter

I mentioned earlier that Jim from Snooze Button Dreams was headed out of town for a while. I promised I wouldn't host a comment party over there unless bribed by Harvey.

Well Harvey hasn't bribed me yet, so I figured I'd host a TrackBack party and an Image traveling party as well. With a little help I'd like to get bloggers from around the world to show Jim's purple hooter a great time.

If / when you decide to invite Jim's purple hooter to visit your blog, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the Official "I support Jim's Purple Hooter's Travels Tracker" page that I'm in the process of creating.

The pictures of Jim's purple hooter are below in the extended entry and should be work safe.

Eastern North Carolina, home of hot women & pirates, welcomes Jim's purple hooter.

Here's a copy of Jim's purple hooter that hasn't been doctored, feel free to manipulate him as you see fit:

It isn't me

The guys at work are starting to suspect I have a blog.

To the guys I work with: If you're reading this, it isn't me.
Your pal,
phin

Update: Oh and you're fired for breaking the company's internet policy. Step back to my office I'll print it out for you.

Read the fine print: You may not read a blog named phin's blog.

Something to waste time

Via the Llama Butchers we have the next best thing to waste time:

It's the Kitten Cannon.

Could this be considered cat blogging?

While you're waiting

While you're waiting to find out the final question and answer from Sadie, you can hop over to the 25 Word Challenge.

It's being hosted by Lollygaggin this week.

They said she said

This week's installment of Diva Sez is being hosted Sadie.

Now you can find out the answers to the burning questions in life. Well almost all of them. She's still got one more question to answer; well one more from the list anyway.

Congratulations to Lance

Cinco de Mayo shall forever be a day of infamy in the Red State Rant household.

Congratulations to Lance and family on the birth of Rebecca Tracy born 5-05-05 at 4:39 pm.
6lbs 12 oz
19.25 inches long

Sure his wife gave birth to Rebecca, but Lance did the hard part right? (That statement is kinda punny when you think about it isn't it?)

Be sure to pop over to his place and wish him well.

Update: I had previously suggested a great baby name would be phin. The loving parents decided to stick with Rebecca as they felt phin would be better suited for a boy’s name.

Be careful what you ask for..

Be VERY VERY careful what you ask for, you just might get it.

When the members of the Bad Example Family that aren't already Munuvians were nominated I said I'd give a Yay as long as Harvey would pose with the Elusive Blue Footed Boobie that Jim was able to capture.

Boy howdy did that ever backfire.

It seems that Harvey has become quite the exhibitionist and he didn't even give a second thought to posing with the Blue Footed Boobie.

Wow, I just figured my dare to the Bad Example Family Patriarch would be laughed off, never did I think it'd be acted upon.

It just goes to show, you'd best be careful what you ask for.

Re: Applications now being accepted

Jim's asked for people to fill out applications to guest blog at his place.

I'm sure I don't have a snowball's chance in hell, but I've applied anyhow.

1. Name: phin
2. Sex: as often as the wife allows (so not very, considering my sever case of foot in mouth disease).
3. Age: Mentally? or physically? neither of which would accurately represent the number of years I have existed outside the womb
4. Favorite Color: Paisley
5. Superpower(s): I can breath underwater (oh and I can kick Aquaman's ass)
6. Are you able to resist the inexorable pull of a comment party? It depends on what Harvey bribes me with.
7. Have you ever been convicted of a crime you did not commit? (Yes)
8. Who framed you? A College Roommate
9. Was your revenge classically Machiavellian or of the exploding gas tank variety? Machiavellian for the most part, with a collapsing bed thrown in to boot
10. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? (Hell No)
11. Benifer? Should be fed to a pack of rabid chlamydia infested jellyfish.
12. Complete this sentence: My dog has an unusually low tolerance for stupid people asking if she'll bite.
13. Pervert! very much so, thanks for noticing.
14. Can you be trusted to guest post on Snooze Button Dreams without making a bugger-all mess of things? (Yes/No) Yes
15. No, really? (Yes/No) No, but it won't be intentional
16. What do you want to be when you grow up? young again
17. As a guest poster, what sort of things would you be posting? things I wouldn't normally post on my site(like blue footed boobies) and applications for guest bloggers to fulfill my guest blogging duties (of course they'd go unanswered because I don't have the authority to allow them to guest post)
18. Pervert! are you stalking me or something?
19. List three hobbies: Insider Trading, Needle Point, Cooking (He didn't say they had to be mine)
20. No comment. Then I won't comment either
21. Essay question. Please do not open your booklets until instructed to do so. In 500 words or less describe why you want to be a guest poster at SBD, why you deserve to be a guest poster at SBD, and a workable energy plan that is not dependent upon foreign natural resources. Begin. Huh? Maybe, and Yes. Not necessarily in that order.

Additional disinformation: I've served guard duty over at basil's one weekend and didn't burn his place down.

Thanks basil

basil said he ‘spects traffic to start dropping of since he’s blogging about baseball. I started to reply in the comments, but since I ahve the keys to his place for at least a little while longer I figured I’d post about it here and there.

I can’t really see traffic at basil’s doing anything other than increasing as time goes by, matter of fact I’d be willing to bet somebody this shiny quarter I’ve got in my pocket that it does nothing but increase. There are several reasons I feel will keep people keep coming back, I'll only get into a couple of them. One reason, most of the posts are well written, I say most of them because I have a couple of posts at basil's that may be stinkin’ the joint up (sorry ‘bout that ya’ll, but you do the best you can with what you’ve got).

Another is people can relate to what he’s writing about, especially with baseball. My local team is the Kinston Indians, when their schedule doesn’t conflict with my sister-in-law’s softball schedule we try to attend their games. It’s professional baseball in its most pure form. You don’t have the superstars that demand the spotlight, the fans don’t ruin the atmosphere and it’s still affordable, all in all it’s and enjoyable way to spend a weekend afternoon. With the enthusiasm basil displays for the Catfish it’d be hard not to vicariously pull for the Catfish.

Then there are those of us that stop by to for the meals. Breakfast / Lunch / Supper and the occasional snack provide us with links to blogs we may not otherwise read. I can say with some certainty that on a daily basis I find a post I would have probably missed were it not for basil’s suggestion. I’ve also found several of my daily reads from meal time post, blogs that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise found. Then there are the readers that found my blog through the links basil offered.

Thanks basil for the inviting each of us in to share the passion you display for the Catfish, bringing back memories of games we’ve attended or played in, keeping us entertained with the Alliance’s various assignments and keeping us well fed while we’re reading along.
phin

* Cross posted at basil's blog. Why? Because I could.